Everything You Always Wanted To Forget You Said

Here Goes Nothing

2010-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

I've been piling up these quotes for a long time now, but until this weekend all anybody ever saw of them was what made it into my profile on instant messenger. After a bit of encouragement, I'm going to try posting it all here so people can see it all at once...

Two caveats, though: first, a lot of what got written down was raunchy either in or out of context, so it's your own responsibility not to get offended. And second, if I'm not totally sure people will be ok with their name being attached to their own words (or if I think it'll get them in too much trouble) the quotes will be posted uncredited. If you want your name stripped from something, let me know.

I'm full of wet spots now, thanks - August '09 to January '10

2010-01-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

me: hey, remember when you called me evil for wanting to hurt the feelings of people at bar-trivia
me: and then you suggested I use alcohol to aid in the violation of federal law? :)
Brenda: two totally different things
Brenda: i'm compassionate
Brenda: not law-abiding

Diane: So I am down to six days before I start class and 10 days before I get to stop being an attorney

"The bizarre thing is I woke up next to him, but it never crossed my mind that we went to bed together." -Simon

"Everyone makes fun of me because I lick it first." -JillK

Lisa: it's not hard
Lisa: but the longer you take, the better it will be

"See, I feel like the queen would have very fancy special underwear." -SPAM
"What?" -Lynn

"Like, has Grace ever asked you to pull her finger?" -BrianH
"Never." -Mikey
"Why would you pull her finger?" -Mom

"Dude, it's Mexican because there's salsa in it." -Gina

"I want to give Mikey and Grace privacy when they're here. I don't want to be, like... part of their lives." -Mom

"My sister is like Mark Twain." -Jillian

"If you put those nachos in a blanket and swaddled them, it might be the size of a baby." -Gina

"I thought it was like you got a point every time you put it in a hole." -Gina playing iphone labyrinth

Jillian: and because im really worried about your penis

*** New Years in DC ***
"What are you doing?" -Snow
"Vibrating your baby." -me

"I think I just wet myself." -Snow
"As long as that's all it is." -Erin

"I never thought I'd hear Crowley say vagina this much." -Erin

"Is she trying to make vagina into an adjective?" -Erin

"Crowley's here for two hours and we're already on eight-mile-wide vaginas." -Snow

"Not the best influence, your unky Crowley." -Erin
"I'm promoting healthy body image." -me
"HOW?!" -Snow

"The toucan does NOT take my cake." -Brandy? commenting on New Years floats

"You have the balance of a drunk." -Me to Sophie

"I'm always looking for the angle, Crowley, any way I can work in the Beyonce." -Snow

"I'm so happy, I'm going to boof you just for fun." -Candice

"You called Dick Clark a cyborg! Why would you call Dick Clark a cyborg?!" -Chris

"That one looks like a f-ed up camel." -Erin

"It's like The Wiz but instead of adding black people they added cancer." -Snow

"I just wanna know where to the dick is." -Erin

"You can't toast pasta! You can toast BULLSHIT!" -Chris

"I can drive if it'll help." -me
"But are you sober?" -Erin
"Hey, I was caring for your child five hours ago. I can totally drive."
"Yes, but I don't know if caring for my child was a SOBER decision..."
*** End of New Years ***

"The debate is whether I'm allergic to it. Because it's a legume." -Sean

"He's Asian, not Mormon... obviously." -Paul about Shuo

"It looks like puke in a box!" - Beth after I shook up her take-home box
"MEXICAN puke in a box." -Gina

"You look like a bison." -Gina about Beth's "mad" face

"It looks like a big French press." -Gina about a rocket fuselage

"Well, it'll still scald your mouth, but it won't squirt out and surprise you and scald your mouth." -Mothball

"He's been with her for like six year now, because she gave him herpes." -BrianH
"Dude, that's second only to pregnancy in the 'keeping someone around' category." -me
"I think it's actually worse than pregnancy. Pregnancy ends at some point."

"I've got a fifteen-minute oral final. I've got kneepads and everything." -Chris O-chuk

"I'm cute. I don't need shame. Even Weis thought I was cute." -Lisa

"I don't approve of you touching Jimmy's balls. I'm gonna veto that right now." -Mikey to Grace

"I did NOT start a race war!" -Katie

"Dude, whatever's behind my ear smells really weird." -BrianH

"You and Jeff start dancing right now, and we'll see how gay it looks." -JD to Simon about a Killers song

"Wow, that's probably the best sausage I've ever tasted." -Gina

"Serendipity is The Final Countdown coming up on your shuffle with half a mile to go." -Zodda

"You could name your first one Bert and your second one Ernie!" -Scott
"I thought you wanted them NOT to be gay." -Liz

"Serves you right, you shouldn't have been such a bitch to me, or I wouldn't have gotten my parents naked for you." -Jillian about her roommate

"There's a lot of things that you can do in the bathrooms in Vegas." -Kickball Clint

Overheard on sparejob cleaning day:
"I wonder what would happen if we ignited it?" -Tommy
"On my face?!" -Aslee

On the perils of adoption:
"What if you adopt a stupid kid?" -Gina

"I could do it on my own, but I think it'd be better to do it with you." -Rebecca to Gina

"Oh my god, you've got like poop on your 'tocks. Do you want me to clean it off? ...You sat in some chocolate and it looks like you sharted." -Gina to Kestner

Teresa: why am i still pregnant? :(

"I look like I'm on crack? ...you're right! That's like what crack people do!" -Beth when told she was rubbing her nose a lot

On boiled peanuts:
"They look like sweaty little nutsacks." -Gina

"I've heard nothing about stories involving your bed." -me
"Oh, they all involve my bed." -Anonymous

"Nobody goes anywhere without my express permission, ok? I'll be at the door. I may be in a dress, but I'm barefoot and I'm faster than you." -Heather the blues singer before she and the band took a break

"Nothing beats plain, unadorned beef." -Animal

"Every guy I've ever dated, I've made them wear my underwear at least once." -Kickball Kim

"That Buddha, is he the one with the six arms? Or is he the elephant?" -Daniel S., imitating the eHarmony people that'd get paired with the Buddhist Shuo

"I love queen beds, because I feel like you could sleep with somebody and not have to touch them." -Jillian

"If you could write a punk song that's a mathematical proof, I'd have no more socks ever. I'd have my socks rocked off for life." -Tom at Diesel
"I'd sing the harmony for that bitch." -Kida?

"Dude, I have to wonder what it's like to have sex with a witch or a wizard." -SPAM

"You would bite a nipple off, I bet." -Sally to Rebecca

"I'm drunk eating that cherry. Wait, that was a cherry, right?" -Shuo

*** Texts ***
LizS: Yeah It's a NJ sandwich. long Island on xmas eve pisses me off. I want to be married 11 months per year

Jillian: Andrea is going to get kisses

Andrea: I just asked my mom if we had peppernut shnaps and she laughed at me. Apparently texting is easier than talking...but the answer was no. :(
I respond correcting her to "peppermint" and "schnapps"
Andrea: I know. But I said pepper nut. Cause I'M TIPSY

Andrea: P.S. Are you saving these text messages? Cause that's just creepy.

Jillian: Yay!! I charged my love bugs and by love bugs I mean radios.

Brenda: Best team name is stop the sleigh and let my friend jack off

Mikey: Playing kings, they all hate the little green man and refuse to follow the accent rule

Shuo: Better make sure Ryan is ok. UGA died.

Kestner: And frampton comes alive!

Jillian: I'm going to beat you with a stick boy. I want to grease up Wendy! Its a skill I'm well versed in

Ronnie: you better note that because if you dont hear from me in a week, and strange things start to happen, then you will know I bit the dust and you're in deep shit.

Kestner: I think we will reluctantly do without your sack. But we will really miss it.

Diana: No but one of my coworkers did compare another employee to a sexually transmitted disease

Booter: So i got stranded at a party in the hollywood hills. And have to walk. Might be a good time for an impromptu pub crawl
90 minutes later:
Booter: So maybe getting a martini at each bar was a bad idea

Kestner: Dude, i got the tolerance of a three year old girl.

Kickball Kim: Gt boys /humpf. Their idea of fun is deconstructing molecules.

Anonymous: Ha. It wasn't *that* kind of date. EHarmony dates do not include happy, naked fun time.

Andrea: Lol. I held him the way they told me to. Notice the electrical tape holding his mouth shut.

No bitching and more science? Damn! - January '09 to July '09

2009-07-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

"In the never-ending saga of 'Billy wets himself,' he had another incident today." - Gina

"That would break your nose, they're still hard balls." -Sean

"It was like a stuttering sheep." -Gina about Brian's rockbanding of "Bad to the Bone"
"Bbbbbbbbbbad to the wooooool..." -Sean

"You couldn't even pull my ass out of a bar long enough to have a kid at 24." -Gina

"He gave you head - how do you feel about that?" -Kristin to Sean

"But it's not hot if you compare it to other places which are hotter." -Lynn

"Vaginas are not a virtue. That's a common mistake." -Sean

"I don't know how you can do that - I can't even cope with three fingers." -Lynn

"Why don't you come back to our place and take off your boxers?" -SusanT

"I even know Bernoulli and I like Jesus." -Our kickball ref, while playing cups

"If he goes to Jarrod, I'm totally saying no." -Rebecca

"I do like the fistfights over the balls." -Lynn watching basketball

"I hear Britney in my boobs." -Gina, who then pulled her headphones out of them

"Me and my mom are going to Clermont, I don't know about you guys." -Rebecca's Sally's Eric

"I'd like to get it to remind me that I AM killing people." -Spam about an engineering ring

"Cottage cheese bothers me because it reminds me of vaginal discharge." -Spam

"Shooting a young buck is like slapping a woman. Sure you can do it..." -Borden

"Any cat's name, if it's in the street, it's named 'thump'." -Borden

"Rebecca!" -Jillian
"What?" -RebeccaK
"Seven plus six IS thirteen!"
"...yeah."
"That sucks!"

"I've never seen anyone give fake head that effectively." -Jillian

"I've gotta see the tongue before I'm really impressed, though." -Bjorn, about a guy dressed in a KISS costume

"You're just getting all these men wrapped around your finger." -me
"They wrap themselves around my finger. I just don't pry them off." -Andrea

"I thought about coming here and apologizing for being late because I had to get my pussy shaved." -Emily, who needed to get her cat's butt trimmed

"Shuo made me put a skirt on, but I'm gonna take it off." -Rebecca

"People who get set on fire die." -RebeccaJ.

"You said dead dog, and I just kind of went with it." -Pottery Meg, who then told a story about a dead cat left in a field

"I am become fail, the destroyer of awesomeness." -Tommy

"Accelerometer sounds like a thing that makes your car go fast." -RebeccaK

"I have an ex-boyfriend who's kind of like a ferret." -Jillian

"Dammit, Edward, get your butt outta her face!" -Girl to guy dancing in front of bus-bar-tour driver
"He ain't got nothing to work with!" -driver

"I'm raping your shirt." -KatieMo to Tommy

"If I'm one day able to move my boobs, you WILL watch. I'll make you." -RyanH

"I euphemism'd your mother." -Spam

"What are you doing? Oh, is that what you're going to bang people with?" -Lydia about Eric mounting a gun made of cardboard

"You're not that old. You're what, like... 27? You're not like 'Mere' old." -RyanH

"Let's see how many times we can eat our poop and poop it back out." -Kristin speaking for her fish pre-birthday

"I think your anus probably thanks you." -Noelle @ Kristin's birthday

"I was the only one who wanted to bootyshake." -Jim's GF @ Kristin's bday

"Don't let her size fool you, she's tricky." -SeanB abt Andrea

"Stop snorting, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey." -Mallory

"I like to think it's Alice from the Brady Bunch." -Galen, about "WhoTFis Alice" song
"Now that's a tasty bitch." -Mere

"I have a bruise on my boob from my sister. Right now." -RyanH

"I want to poke something dead." -Tulika

"If I weren't already wetting myself, I would've wet myself." -Jen's Nate

"He's like a young Fidel." -Travis about Chris

"Why are you constantly flicking all the time?" -Tulika

"Fundamentally, I really don't want to be using the same toilet as the cat anyway." -Brian about teaching his cat to use the guest bathroom

"You have let every orifice rip." -Mom scolding Mikey at Christmas dessert

"No, they pumped enough, it like shoots out at you." -NJKat at Mikey's party

"Can you delete that? I'm ashamed of my fat ass." -Tulika

"I was gonna ask you how big it was, but I decided it'd be wiser to just look." -Andrea

"Why would I go out in public with him?" -Andrea

"You continue doing what you do. That's what you do." -GT-UGA football game announcer

Emily: well, remember, for women, porn comes in the written word

"I can get two at once, two at once people!" -SusanT

"So the 'roids have been f-ing with me again." -Chris

Emily: Hamilton's earlier stuff is just cultural and political interactions, with some dating between humans, werewolves, and vampires. the later books? sex. lots of explicitly detailed sex.
Emily: and then the other series is fairies
Emily: and that's all sex

===New Year's===
"You look so sleazy." -Dwain
"-I- look sleazy?" -Snow
"I look awesome." -Dwain

"It wasn't that bad, I thought it was much worse when I felt my arm down there." -Courtney "It's just white stuff!" -Chris

"Everybody wanted to see Bush. We saw Bush. And it was awesome." -Dwain, about booing Coldplay off the stage to get to the headlining band

"My team is on the DL. ...is that what you people call it?" -Courtney

"I'm sorry we invited you to our Christmas party." -Courtney

"You're the Anne of this year." -Snow to Courtney after she fell down the stairs

"Every time that song's on in the car I feel like I'm being shot at. It's great." -Erin

"It's like Miley Cyrus with three penises." -Dwain about Jonas Brothers

"C-L-T, fill it in! I didn't go to 'clot'." -Erin
"...Oh!" -Dwain

"I'm gonna be drinking as soon as this thing's out of me." -Erin
"Is there a boob option?" -Chris

"My mom says lesbians aren't real." -Courtney

"The Smith men are apparently incredibly virile." -Dwain

"Nobody rocks anymore except for Collective Soul." -Dwain

"He's flown with shivs before." -Erin abt me
"Um... shiMs." -me

"What about this?" -Dwain
"That's a sausage." -Snow
"You can take it all." -Erin

About the creationist museum:
"It's like the RV Hall of Fame in Elkhart, IN." -me
"No, because RVs are REAL!" -Courtney

"Just because Crowley shows up, the word 'sausage' is not automatically funny." -Erin

"We haven't even scotch-guarded the upstairs sofa, 'cause it turns out pregnant women can't even be AROUND the chemicals or it, like, kills the baby." -Erin
"That's like your favorite type of chemicals!" -Courtney
"I KNOW!" -Erin

===TEXTS===
Olivia: A bit like putting ur feet in warm butter?

Pirate: Will a 3way screw up the wedding? Cause me and kestner could eiffle tower that up.

Sean: Dean, Kelly, and i split 3.5 bottles of wine, 6 beers, & 3 shots of vodka last night. This morning there's an uncooked chicken on the kitchen counter,there's salt on my bathroom floor, a george foreman open and possibly broken on the kitchen floor, and Dean's glasses, wallet, and pants on the living room hardwood floor where he passed out by his computer. Wish you were here.

J: Whatever. Once I make my money my days will only consist of martinis sex and great shoes. Sheer bliss.

Green: Hung mike's boxers from rafters in atrium. Now scared we're gonna get in trouble. Whee!
later: Euan calling them "engineering mistletoe."

Kat: IMed. Drinking. Thus, thinking of you. I think that's a compliment.

J: My sisters boss took me out to lunch and said he wanted to buy me a purse... weird? He also bought me five sake bombs.

Utah 2009

2009-04-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

"No, I wouldn't rape you, I'd just come cuddle." - R to J

"I can't brain today. I have the dumb." -R

"I don't know how to get it up." - J

"Well, before she laid with me..." - R

"T, I need jizz in my pants." -J
"Oh yeah, I forgot I had that." -T

"I also brought strippers." -B

"Don't send it to Mars. I have no use for pretty things on Mars." -J skyping with her mom

"But you wake me up for your shit... just wait 'til the morning! I'll flush it for you!" - J

"As you were putting my suit on and I was trying to hold still, I thought, D's shirt has a buttcrack." -R

"Would you like to touch my butt?" -R to J

"I'm Jizz. Jizz the radio god." -J

"T, I'm not sleeping with you if you don't let me in the room." -R

"J is trying REALLY hard to get everyone in her bed." - B

"Aloe and cucumber. It's what WHORES smell like." - T

"Do you want me to make you smell like a whore? Do you want to be a whore? We can teach you how." - R to T
"I'm really good at it." - J

"There's this statue of a girl in Grand Junction, up against the wall like THIS, just ASKING to be violated." -R

"Here, this was in my bed." - J
"I'm not touching that." -D
"No, it's not lube, it's tears." -J

"I'm so JEALOUS of you, I'm gonna come SLEEP with you!" -R to J

"I don't really want to search google images, because the term we're looking for is perfect cleavage." - R about muscovite

J walks in, sticks the "grier" nametag to T
"That's right, I WANT Grier on me." -T

"If anyone's curious, I had a GREAT pee." -J

"I can't believe she took the last apple cobbler! That little bitch! I'm gonna have to f- her up!" - J

"If you go, we're gonna have to call you radio bitch all the time." - T to J
"At least I'm not the cobbler bitch." - J
"But you wanted to be." -D

"What AC/DC songs do you have?" -R
"Do you have big balls?" -T
"No. probably not." -B

"I'm just gonna skip the small stuff and do it, so..." -R

"By the way, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, looked up, and grier was in bed with me." -J

"My nose tastes of carbonation." -T

"It dribbles down your chin and feels good" - J

"God bless you." -B

"God bless you again." -B
"I'm oozing." -J

"...and sprouts sounds too much like what I feed my rabbits." -R
"I love sprouts!" -J, high
"...ok."

"I can't find Mars!" -J
"Look out the window." -B
"No, the polar bear." -T
"I ate him." -T
"I FOUND HIM!" -J
"Apparently I didn't eat him hard enough." -T

"You just need to form a tight seal around the lip with your mouth and suck hard." - J

"Easy open my ass." - E

"She can put a lot in her mouth at once, it's pretty impressive." -J about R

"Is suck a swear word?" -B
"My mom would say yes, but she's gotten better about that." -D

"My nose is still, like, a big bubble of shit." -J

"Health and safety officer t says: dying is not cool!" -T

"I will beat you with the pope!" -B, trying to say pole

"Everyone stop hitting T, I can feel the hole! ...maybe my fingers are just wet." -J
"B, B, can you wet your fingers and come over here?"

"Do I really act like that all the time?" -J
"YES." - everybody else

"He karate kicked me in the boob." -J about T

"Does anyone want to touch my absorbent patch? I wanna see what it looks like. Feels kinda grimy." -J about her traveljohn

"What are you doing?" - J, to R duct taping her leg
"I don't know yet." -R

"Can everyone stop using the internet so I can go on facebook?" -J

"Quote quote quote, quote quote quote, quote reBECca, quote reBECCA" -J, while rubbing her ass on her

"T, B's sitting on me..." -J

"I'll get it up for you, and you can take it!" -J

"Well, don't suck on it." -E

"I think I'm gonna go baby-wipe myself." -R

"Whoooo... kinda wish I had one of crotchless ones now." -R

"I used to have to suck on it in high school, just suck it down before performances." -J about honey

"I'm cold and I hate Tech." -J
"Go put your pants on." -R

"Now I know why the king's name is Lucky. It is because Death fears him as the music industry fears piracy." - Singh is Kingh

"I don't think they're gay, just Indian." -T

"Oh my god, I get so many emails. I'm like, I'm on Mars, f-ers! F- off!" -J

"Your computer just took a dump. It says so right there." - R to me

"Health is not my concern." - T, health & safety officer

"I'm not wearing ANY panties!" -T

"Oh, geez, it's grown since last night." - B about E's facebook wall

"It got all sticky now, but I can't stop touching it." -J

R bursts out of her room after disappearing for 10 minutes to write an email
"Why the f- does answer have a W?!" -R

"The only time I was useful there was when the cheetah escaped." - J

"Did it get hard, T?" -J
"No." -T

"I mean literally, you guys can grab my ass. I have NO ass." -J

"I honestly think we should take Grier up to (the) ridge and leave her." -J

"I got paint on me, but it looks like jizz." -J

"I think I have a problem keeping my pants on." -R

T tells B about the "she sells C shells" limerick
"Boooooo. And you guys made fun of me for 'cattle-litic converter'" -B

"We're making love smells." -J, about R's coconut hand lotion
"Yes, but I'm ALLERGIC to your love smells." -E

"Wow, you got a lot better looking than you ever were!" - J to a guy's facebook profile
"That's... Lance Armstrong" -me

"I really wish I could kiss him [nph]." -J
"Oh, you could kiss him, he just wouldn't enjoy it." -me
"Just remember, he'd always enjoy kissing me more." -T

"Maybe this will sound shallow, but Neil Patrick Harris could do better." -R
"Maybe he has a great personality." - me
"Maybe he has a huge dong." -J

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's REALLY kind of a whore." - Feb. '08 to Dec. '08

2008-12-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

"I was painting. You know, I had my duty down in the basement. I do mostly impressionist, but I'm really getting into my cubism period, as soon as I figure out how to draw a cube." -Snow

Emily: seriously? vampires are supposed to be involved in lots of sex. not cuddling with a blanket.

*** Thanksgiving in LA ***
"It's not my fault I don't have a weiner!" -Shawna

"Yeah, I do suck, but people usually appreciate that." -Shawna to her mother

"I like that you can forcefully lead, 'cause I'm drunk enough to fall over." -Kelly

"Try it once more, I don't think I was actually looking because there's something poking me in the ass." -Shawna

"Get Dr. Chopper, it's better." -Kelly
"Better isn't the point, I want you to be a zombie." -me
"Balls."

"I saw my second celebrity in LA: Ron Jeremy." -Scott

"I just want to shrink you guys so I could put you in my pocket and take you out and show people and say See, aren't they adorable? and they're MINE!" - Shawna

"It's a good thing that I didn't explode everywhere." -Kelly
"Sometimes it's good for a girl to explode everywhere." -Booter
"Yeah, work on that." -Shawna

"It's bad enough I have to compete with Dean." -Kelly
"You don't compete with Dean." -Booter

"...and not only do these socks look awesome and are totally comfy, but they COMPLETELY MATCH MY PANTS!" -Shawna

"What video is that?" -Booter
"It's us watching porn." -Shawna

"It's basically work, and then drink and f--k around until you fall asleep again." -Kelly describing her life

"I've got ten months to choke Carmen Electra." -Josh, Dean's friend

"You know you're not allowed to poop while you're here." -Ti to Josh

"Will you stop with the deucing? What are you, like five years old?" -Ti to Josh

"Why do your feet smell like gefilte fish?" - Grundy to Shawna

"F--king Grundy. Are you f--king serious?!" -JoeJoe, after Grundy peed in his sink

"I just cleaned this sink, you f--ker!" -JoeJoe

"'Cause I will fist-a-to-God your asshole." -Grundy during 40s

"I didn't know it was Insult Game. I thought you were just being a dick." -Grundy

"I have this friend, he's an SC fan but his grandfather played at ND for Knute Rockne. His dad's a... bisexual fan, I guess." -Grundy
Kelly chokes on her drink

"Well, the worst thing is that I can't say balls." -CScott

"Put it in my crotch, it's the hottest part of my body." -Shawna

"I look like cross-eyed in this picture. You're licking the tongue of a crazy girl." -Shawna

"Why do we need bases to talk about touching my tits, but not to talk about sucking your dick?" -Ti

"Is it my fault he put Taco Bell on top of all that blockage?" -Ti

"My enema worked, bitch, it worked." -Ti

"So an enema requires two people - who knew?" -Ti

"Out of like seven thousand songs, I hear My Dick at least once a week." -Shawna

*** End of Thanksgiving in LA ***

"So when you open a pecan, you're busting a nut?" -Gina

Emily: ooh, there's a stripper
Emily: WOW
Emily: the whole dresser
Emily: wow

Emily: dirty girl scouts don't burn as much as a brain hemmorhage

"If you want to chop off all of your hair, I could totally do it for you." -Sarah, my cousin's coworker

"It took Gina four years to get past my first impression." -Kestner
"That's 'cause your first impression was, like, assault." -Gina

"I just know that, however much I've tried, I just don't like dick." -RyanH's Mike

"I forgot about my giant cockersaurus!" -RyanH

"That's not very nice! My dad just told me I look like Obama. Because I'm dark." -Katie, on her wedding day

"If we don't stop by a CVS to get my Maybelline lipgloss, I'm gonna be f--king pissed." - Megan, Matron of Honor #1

"Your hair looks AWESOME." -Tori, Matron of Honor #2
"I know, I look like Katie's legit! 'Cause there's red in it!" -Mom

Green: well, now I have to wear the hooker red dress

"Mmmmm, nipple twisting." -Diana

"She had to wait for the bathroom to clear out so she could devastate it." -Gina abt Rebecca

"Rebecca, that beer's not gonna throw itself up." -Kickball Big Joe

My away message: So much for the Gone With the Wind approach...
Green: you made dresses out of curtains?
John: see what you get when you have to rely on the kindness of strangers? Gonorrhea, unless your talking about a different line from that movie

"The amount of time it'd take to cut all the kids' heads off and stick them in little baseballs..." -Monica

"It's not poison if she enjoys it." -Spam

"If I were a tranny, I'd be much better looking than that." -BrianH

"I just provide the hole, he provides the aim." -Rebecca abt Shuo

"Tulika brought me oral pleasure." -Elisha

"Are they udders, Mere? Is that what they are? Think before you squeeze your boobs." -RyanH

"She's got sternum. She's got plenty of sternum." -Mere, abt bouncing coins into Ryan's shirt

"You shouldn't vomit." -me
"I'm not going to." -Gina
"That's my woman." -Kestner

"F--k, I burped at 2? On command? That's AWESOME!" -RyanH

"When are you gonna stop banging other chicks?" -Rebecca
"When you stop having 'inflammations'." -Shuo

"Are you gonna take that shit? Kick her ass, get her naked." -Travis

Emily: yeah...not sure what the point is if it's non-erotic

Green: that plane pooped a capsule

"Our apartment this week was basically three Mexicans vomiting." -Kestner

"All I can think of is that one with the weird little people." -Mom describing the Lord of the Rings trilogy

"It just slips down your throat accidentally." -Kestner
"It's f--king disgusting. That's why I hate them." -Gina

"I want to see a wild squirrel go to the bathroom." -Kiva

"Just put it in a different way so it really rubs around." -Kiva

"That's how you drew 'razor burn'? It looks like a sailboat!" -EJ during Cranium

"I burned my bottom lip. Last night at your place, it finally started coming off in chunks. I was just picking it off and dropping it on the floor." -Mike B.

"Why are you shoving this down our throats?" -Drew
"Guess what's getting shoved down your throat next!" -EJ

"I'm just glad your mom didn't milk me." -BrianH

"I'll trade you half a pound of fudge for that baby. Make somebody REALLY happy outside." -Uncle Jimmy at Scoops

"Drew says Cranium is the most irrationally competitive two hours of his year." -EJ

"Is that Mikey or a mailbox?" -BrianH

"I will teach my daughters to burp and burp eloquently." -RyanH

"I was just thinking it would be so awesome to go to Alon's and pick up some chicken salad, but... I don't want to put my pants back on." -ATL Courtney

"Plus it's got Tim Curry, who is an AMAZINGLY sexy transvestite." -Emily

"Wait, like downloading? I feel different about copyright law if I can get CAUGHT!" -Andrea

"I haven't used my womb." -Rebecca

"I could've been the axe-murdering lesbian in the pink Cadillac." -Tammy

"I'm not Jewish... but Jewish people annoy me." -Nugent
"Oh, write that down, write that f--king down!" -RyanH

"Wait, so you wouldn't wax your balls?" -RyanH
"No, you Nair your balls." -Mere

"She's not a lady, you don't have to be a gentleman." -Mere to Mike

"I very rarely have the urge to punch people in the face." -KmV

"Something stupid. I'm a tool." -Spam's recording of whatever I said

"Ohhhh, I see the penis now!" -RyanH

"It's a cheese grater, where could it go?" -RyanH
"I was talking about skinning the Jews." -Mere
"Oh. That's a bad topic." -RyanH

"I mean, what's wrong with a little cocker spaniel now and then?" -RyanH

"If you asked me for a threesome, I would politely say no." -Cameron to Patrick & Susan

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's really kind of a whore." -Sean

"Like a melting cheese, my capability erodes." -Doc

"Yeah, you're thinking about the porn." -me
"Oh yeahhhhh..." -Andrea
"The WHAT?" -SeanB

"I have problems getting it up with just one stick." -Emily

"You smoke the crack. You snort the coke." -me
"Ohhhhhhh..." -Andrea & Tulika

"I like this better, when I turn around I see Katie and not Dan." -Rebecca

"Syphilis - that'd be a beautiful name if it wasn't a disease." -Kristin

"That's how we usually do things around here - Kendall and Ramon and an underage hooker." -KmV

"We could totally do a lesbian duet." -KmV
"We could!" -Kendall

"Ew, gross! Steak shit, yuck!" -Amy

"That's why the Greeks were remembered. It's not that they were the smartest people, it's that they documented their work." -Doc

"Feel my hair." -Rebecca's friend Suzanne
"Will I like it?" -me
"Listen, f--ker, it feels like a damn sheep!"

"Yeah, I have a flat ass. I have to wear low-cut shirts." -Rebecca

"Jagina! I-S-S-I-N-G!" -Iris on Gina's birthday

"Muhfeemakruckahmormick." -Snow with his mouth full
"My clock is thick? ...wait, what'd you say?!" -me
"I said, I'm eating a cracker and you're a dick." -Snow, once he could breathe again

"I'll watch for your boobs." -Tambryn, captain of opposing kickball team

"If it was supercritical, you would have known it already." -Dr. Petrovic

"I will not go through the derivation. If you feel very masochistic at some point, go through the textbook..." -Dr. Petrovic

"Is it going to be like Transformers when it transforms?" -Janel
"No..." -student
"I want Transformers, dammit!"

"I'm sort of opposed to pooping in the snow." -KmV

about beryllium:
"Isn't that very toxic?" -Frank
"It is, but I guess in fifties is ok." -Dr. Petrovic

"The only thing that makes karaoke better is nasty-ass strippers while you karaoke." -Dixey about Tuesdays at the Claremont

"Could you not use my hips as a pushing point next time?" -Gina

"When we first get a dog, it's gonna have to learn to lick toes, because we both love it... but not with each other!" -Rebecca

"Day ain't over until you spoon." -Hernando
"That's right." -Doc

*** Texts ***

Kestner: Question. Is Gina a vibrant young lady or an old hag?
Kestner: Maybe this might help u decide. Gina is trying to fart out her hiccups.

Mom: No shots pls.

Green: bar tonight: someone picked final countdown at least 5 times in a row. needless to say, I am READY for a wedding.

Sean: Awesome. Btw expect a small package in a few days
Sean: Oh and it's not me. Wanted to clarify.

Green: momma wants to get her hate on.

KatWhilePregnant: Pushups, yeah no. I'm fat now

Green: my god, i just audibly gasped. tell it i love it. it never even calls me by my name.

RyanE: I am so aroused and disgusted.

Snow: Dude if the LHC destroys the world I firmly believe it's somehow your fault. This is actually my game plan for all cataclysmic events.

KmV: My penis is the hammer.

Green: that poor orphan I packed into checked luggage. he must be so frightened and lonely. in related news: why the hell did I do that?

Utah 2008

2008-04-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

"I almost lost my pants in Denver. Along with the rest of my clothes." -El

"Mars is the new band camp." -A

"Checked equals screwed." -S

"I love me some ambiguous meat. But then, I grew up on ambiguous meat, so..." -Em

"Did you say something about table hookers?" -Em

"We will, we will rock you." -my toothbrush

"I've had historically very bad taste in guys." -Em
"I've never tasted a guy." -T

"I want to eat a beating frog heart." -T

"Curry, you cook it for like two hours, what the hell?" - T

"Have you ever cut the head off a live chicken before?" -T

"It's a sad piece of machinery. It reminds me of my grandmother's grandmother in her grave. Or on the pyre, whatever." -T about V'ger

"Ooooh, 'World's Largest Hot Dog'! ...'Chain'. Oh. That's dramatically less interesting." -me

"She had to kill a frog." -me
"Not kill it, pith it. Well... kill it." -T

"What did you say?" -A
"'I thought Sanskrit was a dead language.'" -me
"I heard something about bandwidth."

"Can we listen to some Eagles for a while?" -A
"I've got the greatest hits on my ipod." -me
"So do I. I've got like three of them." -A
"Whose tits?" -T (mishearing "greatest hits")

"Dude, this is like getting high without anything." -T in the snow on top of Radio Ridge

"It looks totally cute in a badass way." -El to T, about her bandanna

"Oh, I wanted a cookie." -El
"Here." -me
"I have blood on my hands."

"Don't you feel like such a professional?" -El, over the HAM radios
"I feel like a trucker." -me
"10-4, good buddy." -El

"Orange Bang. It's whipped!" -El

"Can you growl again? Because that would be less scary than you saying 'poppycock' one more time." -S to T

"No, I'm just cooking this out of my ass right now!" -T
"It's actually ok to use the toilet downstairs." -El

"It tastes like beefy goodness." -El on MSG

"The sky is so bloody blue." -T
"It's non-oxygenated blood." -El

"Sorry, T's butt is distracting me." -Em

"If I had three wishes from a genie, that'd be one of them." -S
"That's creepy... but in a good way." -T to S, when he said he'd be ok with having her voice

"Excuse me... where are the sanitary napkins?" -S to T, asking about moist towelettes

"The moment you say 'bloody', you're a bloody Brit?" -T

"Was anyone else here homeschooled? ...She had the home-schooled feel to her." -S about one of the previous crew members (Angie)
"How much feeling-up did you do?" -Em

"Mworw?" -T
"I thought you were a dog." -me
"Woof!"
"Much better."

"If you need help with that, I'm good at stripping." -Em

"Actually, I probably don't want to be wearing my pajamas when I'm working with sulfuric acid... oh well." -El

"This is going to flick out, and I don't want it to flop around." -El

"What's a clusterf-?" - T
"It starts with a threesome and goes higher." -El

"I didn't say that, but that's what I said." -S

"That's most definitely a penis." -S
"...yeah." -T
"And the biggest balls of them all." -El

"Don't tell men that the male anatomy doesn't fascinate us." -El

"My nose is running. I look like a person from Somalia right now. No, not a person - a hungry kid." - T

"So the clusterf- of science - what should I do with it? Am I part of it right now?" -T

"Much-ass grassy-ass! Ha ha ha ha (snort)" - T

"Like in City of Angels?" - T
"Never seen it." -me
"Gay movie, but good to watch if you're drunk and want to cry." -T

"Stupid skittles, why won't you update? I ate you!" - A

"Golluming her? I don't know what that is, but it sounds like it should be illegal." -S

"Ok, sitting here, I would be really concerned about those things jabbing into my crotch." -T looking at the items in the back of Don's truck.

"People don't let me do them." -T

"Your muscle contractions and expansions are amazing." -T to El

"Have you seen that greywater?" -Em
"It's so gross! It's... not grey!" -El

"Beauty is pain." -El

"You kept snorting, was it my fault?" -A

"Flush it well. Don't get the poop out of the poop-pot." -T

"There are other things that go up in the world, T, than penises." -El

"I really hope these don't catch fire." -El? on battery-charging night

"Why am I putting my hands in the path of sulfuric acid?" -me

"I'm worrying about this squirting out because I'm squeezing it." -El

"It's all fun and games until someone gets sprayed in the eye with sulfuric acid."
"Or squirted."
"Or flopped."

"Need any help?" -S
"No, I'm pretty good. It's mostly one-person work right now, but I'll need help later keeping it upright." -me
"Keeping it upright?"
"With the pole."

"Is the atmosphere contagious? ...contaminant? ...contaminated?" -S

"Who is that?" -T
"That's you." -A
"Me? I was not wearing a scarf!"

"So we're in the queue?" -T

"You can do me, T." -El

"You're good at measuring! How big are your biceps?" -T

"Did you just hurt yourself while sitting down at the table?" -S
"No. ...Yes." -T

"Are there any available strippers up there?" -El

"It's just, I come up and it's like Spaceballs." -El

"The big thing is patching the crotch. That's where all the damage happens." -Em about suits.

"D is attracted to the word 'crotch' for some reason." -T

"Are you in the queue too?" -T to S waiting for the bathroom

man to the five halves
sexual nintendo
crotch coat
poppycock
cookie?
crossbow
call-duck
Mrs. Buttersmith's

"I missed something, all I saw was T covering her crotch." -Em

"I turned on the light, and I thought, A melted!" -El finding A's clothes in the washroom

"I woke up with the vibrations through the... bed?" -El

"Do you want me to hold that?" -S
"No, you can just let it dangle." -D (telescope control)

"Anybody want to do the penetrater test?" -El
"I'll show you the device that you use."

"More of sex, less of blood." -El

"You were not calm. There were many times when you were not calm, like Buddha." -A

"You know when you get an itch here and you cannot scratch it?" -T
"I take my toothbrush and stick it down my throat as far as I can." - Em
"Doesn't... that lead to vomiting?" -me
"Not ALWAYS..." - Em

"Australian cricket players? They always have white stuff on their lips." - T

"Ok, I have to click on the butt. I just have to." -El

"Somebody can take The Penetrator for a spin, if they want." -El

"Apparently I'm like Mars' savior or something." -S
"Jock of the Day." - Em
"I hate you." -S

"Oh, we don't share a wall." -A
"We share a wall, we just don't share..." -me
"A bed." -Em

"Do I share a bed with anyone?" -A
"S." -Em

"So why are you pressing down the button to send facial expressions to the hab?" - A

"Oooh, that's an interesting color: poop." -El painting a rock

"I'm an Indian, I can see that word anywhere." -T on "turban"

"Pants are optional at my house." -El

"That's the best Clint Eastwood voice I've ever heard." -S
"Who do you think trained Clint Eastwood in the first place?" -Don

"I feel so objectified." -T
"I see you as a person." -El
"I just see you as a deviated septum with legs." - me

"I always thought that if there was a dry kiss, you were fine. As soon as you have saliva contact, YOU HAVE BABIES." - T

"I didn't know penises had anything to do with it." -El

"I could hear my grandmother's words sounding in my ears. There was no shuffle, it was COMPLETE REPEAT." - T

"No, I did not draw a penis out of fun! It was NOT FUN!" -T

"All I can see is his chest." - T

"I got extra credit for going up in front of the room and holding up the card with the step of how to put on a condom." -A
"Step two: inspect the condom." -A

"Walnuts." -S
"Nuts on the wall. Wall nuts." -T

"D, if it's not asking too much, can I pet your chick later?" - T

"I want death to pour from my eyes." -El

"I get so giddy when I hold soft things. Don't you?" -T
"Not like that." -A

"Oh my God, it's so big! ...It's so soft!" -S looking at his own crotch

"Well, I figured it was just the fly, I didn't realize it was hanging out!" -S

"I can't believe my pants fell down and I didn't notice!" - A

"What does the Turdinator do?" -A

"What? I'm darker than any of you here, and I have more right to be gangster." -T

"'cause 'Wizard' doesn't sound right, because wizards aren't chill!" -T

"Alright, show us the underwear." -S after I claimed I was mormon

"She looked like a camel?" -T
"Toad." -D
"What is camel toad?"

"It's when women get a wedgie, but not in the rear end." -Em
"What's a wedgie?" -T

when T had white creme smeared on her face:
"White people camouflage. You can blend into New England." -me

"No! Mario is NOT giggity!" -T

"No, not cough! Cough! Cough! C... caaaaaf? Little moo!" -T

"Your calves are hairy, but your feet are not." -T
"...thank you." -S
"That was not a compliment."

"I used to have fur on my feet. I wonder what happened to it?" -S

"It's not a pocket! It's a boob holder!" -T

"I know what a ho is. I went to Georgia Perimeter." -T

"He's just extremely potty mouth. Potty all over the mouth." -T

"It's like you have a third eye of killing." -T about El's headlamp

"I can't believe you did that!" -T
"What?" -me
"Flashed me!" -about taking a pictures

"Dude, we should meet up and snort some more." - T to A

"I touched her and it felt squishy!" -T about El

"Dude, I would totally do it in the bioballs." -S

"You kiss my crotch, I kiss yours!" -T

"You just went into my room and stripped!" -Em

"I didn't know there was a vagina until like tenth grade." -T

"You don't have a freaky elbow! You just have huge biceps!" -T to S

"You look like an evil leprechaun. On growth hormones!" -Em to me

"Are you going to start licking it now?" - T on brownie bowl

"Where's the knife-cutter?" - S

"Have you seen ants' balls?" - T

"I have the J-Lo booty of the gymnasts." -S

"All the ladies find you attractive in that homosexual sort of way." -El to S

"If I give you a Stink, will you remember me?" -A

"Any foreign objects you find lodged anywhere are NOT my fault." -El

"...and then she slid it into my Bible." -S

"I've shaved many men." - Oct '07 to Feb '08

2008-02-18T06:52:00.000-08:00

"I don't think my physician would advise that." -Spam
"Oh, he'll give you penicillin." - me
"There are some things penicillin doesn't cure." -Spam
"Babies." -Alison

"Alligator clips? F--K alligator clips!" -Alison

"Women fart, I've seen it." -Spam

"This next one's a love song." -guy at Limerick
"I call it 'Belch In Your Face'." -Kestner

"Oooooh, I want to see Jesus!" -Mere

"I want to disembowel someone." -Toby

"Did I tell you how much Molly liked syphilis?" - KatieM

"I'm kinda sad that I probably won't get to dress like a woman in the next place that I work at." - Texas Matt

"If Enrique's gay, I don't want to be straight." -Mikey

"The two lesbians are coming to your wedding?" -Mikey
"Yeah." -KatieC
"Cool!"

"You look nicer on the Nintendo than you do in real life. Like, the mischievious look in your eyes doesn't come through." -Erin

"I put it in my mouth first... and then I swallowed." -Courtney drinking champagne

"Oh, she's not answering her phone. What a whore." -KatieM

"Why do you have a giant thing on the end of your thing?" -Erin
"Because he's a giant nerd and put the rubber thing on." -Snow
...
"It makes it look a lot bigger." -Erin

"We weren't NOT talking. We just weren't talking." -KatieM

"Why wouldn't you want to show off your butt while golfing?" -Erin

"You played the cello?" -Snow
"Yeah." -Courtney
"No you didn't."
"I ROCKED the goddamn cello!"

"Oh, keep that sucking motion, Crowley." -Erin

"God, I'm very slow." -KatieM

"My whining is more effective than yours. Suck it!" -Erin to Chris

"It's so weird not to be hungover right now." -Erin

"This is like the Who-ville of dorkdom." -KmV

"Ew, Chad Henne just spit in high-def." -Erin

Green: i want a wealthy old british uncle who will call me his little crumpet
Green: or pet. i love being called "pet"
Green: the kiwi dude i made the knife with called me pet, it was great

Teresa: did 'the woman' make an appearance
Teresa: dang it all... her name's kate? it that right? you say 'the woman' so much i forget!

"I TOLD you it was making funny noises last time! Nobody believed me!" -Emily
"That's 'cause you were high." -me
"...so?"

"Up 'til about ten, about seventy percent of my toys were stolen." -Bhuan

"I just want to lick that whole thing up, and then I'll be sick all night." -Claire
"I live my life like an unabashed sausage eater, making my way through the winter season..." -Will M.
"I forgot Katie did Observer stuff too. She's kind of an overall badass, if you think about it." -Sean
"She's a sassy little bitch." -Kathy about her grandmother

"What do you have to major in to organize dance parties?" -Mac
"German." -Kathy K.

"I think it's funny that you say Aw skeet skeet motherf-er." -me
"What else would I say?" -Molly
"...cardiocentesis?" -me
"No, skeet skeet motherf-er is MUCH more fun!"

"Lalala, we love each other, DRINK! We'll talk about this later." -Molly

"How could you not f-ing pole vault? It's physics, you idiot!" -Little Chuk

"You know the livestock pens at the ____ fair? You know how they have those big barns? Imagine fifteen barns full of drunk Germans. That's Oktoberfest." -Cousin Dean

"I look deranged but elegant." -Irena
"He's kind of like Cinderella, but for chili." -Curtis abt Dane
"That's a great Nalgene bottle." -Kemp
"Thanks, it matches my thong." -Scott

"I need some meat in my mouth, I'm just gonna throw that out there." -Ryan

"I guess once you see donkey dick, it all goes downhill." -Kestner

T: breastfeeding is like having a tapeworm
T: it's soooo crazy
T: i eat and eat and eat, and i gain NOTHING
T: i'm going to be in trouble when i have to start maintaining a normal diet again someday ;-)

"I'd like to forget MY decade of shittiness." -Lynn

"I'm not kissing you until you stop the pedophile talk." -KatieM

"I'm a girl. I'm a cute girl, too! You can't hit a cute girl. It's like messing up a work of art." -Gina

"Hey Shuo, can I borrow your camera?" -me
"I have a blowfish face!" -Gina

Mom: danny,
Mom: danny,
Mom: do u know you have offended two major groups of people with your quotes?

"Do I need to start shaving guys, is that the gist of this conversation?" - Lynn
"I don't know, I've got nothing against it." -Alison

"I'm still pretty sure it's better than no sex, because from a girl's perspective you still get to cuddle." - Alison's take on bad sex

"Can you assign scores based on golf?" -Lee
"I would be batting a thousand." -other student
"...in golf?"

"So if we come to take the 'voluntary exercise,' we don't have to take the final?" -student
"Yes, and if one of you RATS ON ME, the deal is off." -Cassiano

"You've got a laptop? Bring it up here!" -Cassiano
"Hold on, I've got to close out the porn." -student
"No, that's ok."

"Some of them were drunk assholes, but I'd rather hang out with drunk assholes than, um... sissyboys." -KatieM

"You do NOT HAVE the white man's burden." -Kat

TEXT MESSAGES
"Alas, poor beer. i knew him, Horatio.
Just kidding, still know him. just wanted to quote shakespeare when drunk." -Green
"Nothing is rotten in the state of Green."-me
"To be drunk or not to be drunk. Not so much a question." -Green
"Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the beers and wines of outrageous boozing, or take shots against a sea of sobriety and by opposing end it..." -me
"A buzz! A very palpable buzz!" -Green
"Get thee to a brewery?" -me
"The drink's the thing, wherein i'll catch the conscience of the idiot."
"This above all, to thine own self give booze." -me
"Neither a moocher nor a puker be.
and from chrissie: my blood liquorhol level are high."
-For context, she was out at a bar - I was home, so I had references to cheat with.

"I'm better looking and you'd better love me." -KatieM

"Yeah well we took a vote and no one wants to watch the band step off tom. Hank says he'll pay 4 my wedding. He can be new dad." -Katie to Dad

"Rob is here with Molly and I. He is afraid of me. I am proud." -KatieM

"ps i got hit by a car today. happy friday! a. exhausted am treating condition with beer!" -Green

"You're so supportive... Are you drunk?" - KatieM

"I look scary and sexy all at the same time." -KatieM

"chrissie: where's a deer? i want to punch it in the face. i could totally win.
mike: doedally win." -Green

"what is going on sassy pants?" -SusanT

"Just woke up. Forgot to tell you I missed you. That and I dreamt [her dog] was talking to me about Santa's reindeer. But mostly I just miss you." -KatieM

"I am disabled. Communicate with me!" -Snow
"November." - me ( = No or negative)
"Zulu." -Erin (I require a tug.)
"Uniform." -me (You are running into danger.)
"Tkele-cho-g." -Erin (Jackass.)
"Uh... vade retro satana!" (Get behind me, Satan)

"So drunk. Miss you so much." -KatieM, 1:53am
"If you're still up, I love you so much. You have no idea." -KatieM, 3:35am
"I feel like ass." -KatieM, 10:55am

"From Chris: If you want to hear muppets cuss, put on Sesame Street and I'll say f--- a lot." -KatieM

"They look like they should be Lincoln Logs. You should just start stacking them." - January '07 to September '07

2007-09-14T23:38:00.000-07:00

"Santiago, I know you're love-struck, but what can I do to penetrate you?" -my advisor

"You hook them, like Elise, and then you spank them." -Doc

"I'm still stuck on the strap-on." -Marni

"The hard life of Gina." -Marni
"It's like living with a retard. 'She's licking the ketchup again!'" -Gina

LizS: well i gotta blow dry my shoe

"That was a fun night until we got arrested." -Kestner

"I dunno, I've had some fun times I don't remember." -Kestner

"Oh, we're having a boob orgy with the dollar bill." -RebeccaH

"If I let you take this dollar, can I sing a song?" -Gina with a single down her shirt

"Of course, it all depends on your opinion of popcorn in my crotch." -Gina
"Depends on how... omnivorous you are." -RebeccaH

"I knew a girl in high school who, if you looked quickly or from far away, she looked like she had Downs Syndrome... BUT SHE DIDN'T. We called her 'Downsy'." -Gina

"It's actually quite normal for me to wake up with no pants on." -Gina

"Robe does not equal pants, Dan." -Gina

"I can't look at your leaning cow and still play." -Kristine

"When you're drunk enough to do anything that moves, you're slut-drunk." -John

"I have to warm up my breasts." -John massaging himself before beer pong

"I wasn't feeling her up, I was making fake nipples!" -Jen

"Alan will suck anything that lands on the table." - Tara
"Uh... I have to disagree." -Alan

"Vaginas unite!" -Jen
"Ew. That's kinda gross. I don't want to picture that." -Alan

"Thanks, Melissa. This is how people get pinkeye." -MikeI when Green's camera battery died

"All I really need is a white jumpsuit and a BeDazzler." -Princeton Chrissy

"I'm right in the middle of New York... slightly south." -Green, in Princeton

"Let me guess. There's no inside bathroom, is there?" -me
"There is. It's outside." -MikeI

"Yay, I'm the birthday wench!" -Rebecca H

"You're not popular enough to be different." -Doc to an incoming first-year

"Nobody does travel like Cara, ok? I have slept with so many of my students over the years. ...that's why Pat graduated so quickly." -Doc

"...the hell is going on here?"
"There's obviously something dreadfully wrong here. What is going on?" -Industry contact, trying to help troubleshoot a problem

"Dan, I love you like I love beer." -Rebecca H

"Fellatio is illegal in Georgia, cunnilingus is not." -Rebecca H
"F---." -KmV

"So Molly has spent I don't know HOW many family gatherings practicing drinking wine with a split hoof." -KmV

"I don't want fellatio, I want flowers!" -KmV

"Ah, we're on to the cooler conversation." -JD
"Hey, nothing's cooler than Star Wars." -Spam
"Star Trek." -Diana

"You want me here!" -Katie
"I don't care whether you're here or not." -Mom

"Somebody stole the magic wand!" -EJ
"THAT was MY magic wand." -Aunt Laurie

"It's like you're in a fairy land." -EJ

"She almost looked glazed." -Mom
"She almost looked like Howdy Doody. No, that was a compliment. She looked wide-eyed." -Dad, about a bride

"Yeah, I did Amazon, it was much more reasonable. It allowed me to get your finger puppets and a giant yeast." -KmV

"That tower is like all Jesus and shit." -JMurphy talking about 5 cups stacked in a pitcher

"I'm Mexican, we shouldn't BE in Chicago." -Gina

"That's like the maximum capacity of my ass." -Gina

"I'll rent the U-Haul, you hit the preacher." -Diana to me

"I want a transvestite at my wedding." -Katie C

"Yours has more length, but mine has a little more girth." -Gina

"Actually, you know what I learned today from the Charlie Manson special?" -Lynn

"Why do you hang out with a moldy sandwich?" -KmV

"All my blankets smell of nudity." - Kestner

"You know what's hilarious? Testicles. They're funny, I'm serious!" -JMurphy

"You're actually gonna drive home? Oh yeah, carbomb for me!" -Diana to Susan

"Want to hear a racist joke by Stewie Griffin? Which Latin country are you from, the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?" -Adam W.
"Which one has the funny hats?" -Gina

Teresa: i told joe i want detachable breasts so she can just take one and drink to her heart's content
Teresa: i think that freaked out joe

"So maybe it was the pickle-sharing that made me feel better..." -KmV

Auto response from green:
"I'm gonna bribe the officials
I'm gonna kill all the judges
It's gonna take you people years
To recover from all of the damage

Happy Birthday Crowley, you sexy beast, you."

"The professor said you'd get extra credit for listening to the podcasts. I was like, Podcasts?" -Lydia
"Like on iTunes." -Joanna
"Yeah, I've heard of them, but that's like what nerdy people do..."

"They're marching down the hill and all you see is ab after ab after ab... and I was like oh my gosh!" -Joanna

"This suddenly wound up like a Sex & the City episode... and Dan wound up being Charlotte." -KmV

"I do not need a butthole reference on Friday night!" -Molly

Gina: SO I TOLD CHELE I THOUGH (anonymized) WAS HOT
Gina: SHE LAUGHED AT ME

"And regardless of what life throws at you, it does not mean you have to throw a drink back." -KmV

"I'm technically stupid, so you have to be nice to me." -KmV

"Ok, there's this place in LA called Big Wangs..." -Sean

"The potato can talk. It's telepathetic." -Sean

"We should go double-team someone. I've never had a threesome." -Chris W. to Lana

"This is the bar of cleavage-eating." -Rebecca

"I won a f-ing arm wrestling competition TWICE tonight!" -Lynn
"You're a f-ing slut, Lynn." -Allison

"I'm a dork because I'm drunk and alone? No no no, that just means I'm not easy!" -KmV

kat: but lots of sex! = yay!

"Just the head of it, though, with the stick broken off, because otherwise it would be kind of hard to fit in the nightstand drawer." -KmV talking about Swiffers

GINA: doooooode
me: yo?
GINA: i miss guys
GINA: girls suck

Teresa: hey, doing nothing is often the nicest thing possible
Teresa: i like to mix it up occasionally with "doing very little" ;)

"Because a fully functioning toilet is crucial for crew morale." - Emily C.'s MDRS Commander report

"That could be kind of fun." -KmV
"If done properly." -me
"Well, I would think that if NOT done properly, I would be clothed and hurt." -KmV

"Holy cow, my hair is wingin' like a mo-fo on the right side." -Sean

green: you restore my faith in men, crowley.

"Pardon the grunting, I'm eating crackers." -KmV

"I've never picked up a girl at a bar." -Jason K.
"Neither have I." -me
"I know a guy who did, and he got, um... herpes." -Tanner

"There you go. It's like the six degrees of Kevin Spacey." -KmV

"You're an aberration." -KmV

Teresa: apparently it's due to some other lady, looking over this lady's shoulder
Teresa: so - new person to punch :)
Teresa: and she's pregnant :)
Teresa: i'm more pregnant than her though ;)
Teresa: so i win :)

"Don't make me fling my cauliflower at you." -Katie McV

"That's not Kool-Aid! That's vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with food coloring!" -some girl Jeff gave a sip of his drink to at Mardi Gras

"I put my inflatable penis under a girl's arm." -Ryan

"My first thought was, that's a really unattractive girl." -Pirate upon seeing a police horse

"Jesus was a Jew, that's why he's better than you." -some guy at Mardi Gras

"You'd think the naked f-ing bitches would change from year to year, but they don't." -Ryan

"Hola!"
"Como estas!"
"Me llamo Katie! It is my turn,"
"HOLA!"
"...to leave you a drunken message, and I am here with Molly who is saying Hola. Um, we hope you are muy borracho and having a fabulous time..."
"en New ORLEENS!"
"in New Orleans, and,"
"SEEEENYOR DAAAN!"
"and drinking whiskey , and Molly hopes that Seenyor Dan has been doing,"
"MUY BIEN!"
"...the same, and she says muy bien, and apparently Molly (made... with the dance), I don't know how I feel about that, but I like you more than she does. Molly says I have something else, I'm pretty sure i don't know the word for it in spanish, but you get the picture. anyhow, hope you're having a fabulous..."
"DRUNK!"
"...evening. ADIOS, MUCHACHO!"
-Katie & Molly, Saturday night of Mardi Gras

"Nobody wants to eat my sauce ever." -Gina

"I can't squeeze. It's too big, my hand doesn't fit around it." -Marni with her hand in my lap

"It would be sort of sexy silence, because it would be determined." -KmV

"It's the thuggest, gayest place in existence! It's like prison." -Ryan about Bulldogs

"Nancy Pelosi, I'm getting your ass f-ed up. Drink, bitch, drink!" -Gina

"Hey, focus! We're having a conversation here! We're having a conversation about Bhuan's genetalia!" -Gina

"Oh, she's a skank." -Mere
"Who is?" -Gina
"Nancy Pelosi."

"I want you to think about the lady-sips I take, and what it means for the radius." -Duffey

"Better not get your hairy body near my brisket!" -Duffey to Belle

"Eat me. This is my show, I'll play what I want to, damnit." -Chris R. at Limerick

"Siobhan? That's Irish, motherf-er!" -some blonde

"It's one of the few places she can tell people she's a doctor and not frighten them off, Kentucky." -KatieMcV

"Dan, he's TRAINED. I trained him to eat out of my cleavage. What are you writing? What are you writing? What are you writing?" -RebeccaH

"Between my mother and my mother-in-law, that's why I drink." -Tara's mom

"It's good you're not a friend of my dad's or my sister's, because if you were dead or married, that would make the whole thing CONSIDERABLY more bizarre." -KatieMcV

"I was contemplating what my hair looked like in Africa." -KatieMcV

Text Messages:
"Oh there's a whole Bagel Fest in Mattoon IL cuz Lenders is there." - ErinC

"Man, I just made a dead baby joke the other day." -green

"I heart your love of the scientific method :-)" -kmv

"She knows that now. Buffy time now! Talk to you in a bit." -KmV

"If you get bored later, feel free to call. I'll be here... on the floor." -KmV

"oh f---, am drunk" - green

"crowley, courtney just got into a cab with a sketchy blonde guy. please advise" - snow

"not sure WHAT i text messaged you last night. however, given that I'd like to die right now, I bet it was good. :-)" -kmv

"according to the bathroom wall, you're the person to call for a cheap feel." -kmv

"Charlie weis doin 7th inning stretch - he sings as well as i can dance" - kestner

"Are they wasted? Go beer! Beat nerds!" -Kat

"not really. too busy starting tickle fights with the other naked girls in the locker room" - green

"ma na ma na. damnit" - snow

"you couldn't quote in order, asshole. i'm busy shaking my groove thang, now" -green

"Screw your friends! home and drunk now!" -kat

"I'm stuck on a train stopped by the canadian police because a crazy woman is crawling around on the tracks." -ErinC
(i ask how far into canada she is)
"Like 10 miles. We are finally moving again. They must have caught her, eh?"
(i suggest they just left her there and started the train again, and asked if she'd felt it go over any big bumps)
"You're terrible! But yes, one bump..."

"Where are you! You have the keys Damn it!" -Varos after I'd been drunk and missing for a few hours at Mardi Gras

"So yeah, I saw Paul Hornung drop his pants today." - August '06 to January '07

2007-01-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve in DC:
"You didn't have your Wii strap on." -Erin

"My roommates and I gave each other Hungry Chickens. It was awesome."
-Bridget

"Erin, your ass smells like ass." -me
"My ass smells delicious!" -Erin

"Ohhhhhh... I need to stretch before doing the wii." -Erin

"Your wii should not be smaller than my wii!" -Erin

"Let's watch some sexual crimes!" -Erin

"I love you. I love AAAHHHH, oh my GOD your elbows are sharp!" -Snow
"Wait 'til you see what my wii can do!" -Erin

"...'Cause I remember being like, ha ha, he's wearing a dickie, and then I don't remember anything else." -Erin

"Did anybody get my joke?" -Erin
"Was it about sex?" -me
"Yes! Sex is funny! ...maybe that means I'm not having the right kind." -Erin
"Can't wait for THAT to be broadcast to the universe." -Snow

"Jaeger's a little harder to get down recently, you noticed that?" -Sean
"Haven't really had it recently." -me
"It might be because I threw up one time from it."

"They're not actively sucking, they're passively sucking." -me
"My head now hurts." -John

"A foamy foot just can't be healthy." -Tara

KatieMcV: well, the baby had to get drunk somehow

"And (anonymized) was like, where does the dildo go?" -Green describing the planning of someone's bachelorette party

"You just said you would jump (anonymized)'s bones... but you think me threatening to kill you sounds dirty?" -me

"And I was like, what does it taste like when I shove this in there?" -Gina

"Guys love me, it's horrible." -Kestner

"Are you just getting home from school now?" -KatieM
"No, I'm just getting home from the bar now." -me
"Oh, right, it's Tuesday."

"Ok, this is an original song called Hell No. It's about some douchebag hitting on my sister and there was nothing I could do about it... except write this song." -guy performing at Limerick

"So if you walk into his basement, which is enormous, there are dead animals everywhere." -KatieM

Thanksgiving in LA
"This other woman is giving up her eternal life for you, and you're piddling around with some Aryan c---?" -Claire watching RoTK

"Boots, are you yakking?" -me
"No, I have turkey caught in my esophagus." -B

"Oh, we definitely took advantage of the turkey. It was violated in very many ways." -Caitlin

"I want something sweet in my mouth." -Claire

"We couldn't get it to spread its legs to rinse out the insides, so we really had to work on it a little bit." -Caitlin

"Ok, after you take the turkey out of the trash can, you kinda put it in this little trash bag thing that's not really a trash bag, but more like a turkey bag." -Caitlin

"It looked like somebody puked into the trash can, so we took a picture of it." -Caitlin

"My first thought was your cooter, I don't know why." -Sean

"Maybe this is why I have problems with women, I can't find the vagina." -Sean
"Honey, this is my knee." -Caitlin

"Can I just say, high five! Booter nuzzled your breasts, and that was awesome!" - Grundy

"There are a lot of asses in this room I could kick right now, I'm just saying." -Caitlin

"Oh (anonymized), I don't have the patience to talk to you right now. I'm sure you want sex." -Claire

"Sorry, I was gonna burp and greet Booter, but now you're in the way." -Claire

"It's still a twelve year old kid and a fifteen year old kid trying to beat off the witch." -Sean

"I just wish this was as crispy as your bacon." -Claire

"Awww, I almost got creamer in her bosom." -Sean about Caitlin

"I hope I'm not pregnant." -Claire
"Claire, I don't think I could handle that." -Booter
"YOU couldn't handle that?! I'd rip the f---ing thing out of my stomach and throw it at you."

"Caitlin, I'm a girl, it's ok." -Booter
"I know, I'm a dude." -Caitlin

"Note to self: in the future, put on makeup BEFORE you start drinking." -Claire

"She persists in looking like a rabbit." -Caitlin

"That just kind of popped out faster than I thought it would." -Caitlin

"I think I'm gonna drop a deuce, do you wanna play poker?" -Sean

"I used to club my sable." -Sean

"Can we hold these comments until Claire does not have things in her mouth that will make her choke?" -Claire

Claire comments on feeling alienated at the party
"I felt the same way until I got drunk." -Caitlin

"That's Booter fingering the turkey." -Caitlin

"Remember the week before you graduated, when I almost got meat stuck in my throat again?" -Sean

"That's a good story! And that's the Goodyear Blimp!" -Caitlin

"You could poop on his floor." -Caitlin
"Oh, the idea of pooping Flatow and Scruff..." -Claire

"All you need is a short skirt and some pompoms." - a passing stewardess to Sean as he jigged outside LAX

"Am I missing two? I should have twelve. Oh, I do have twelve. For the record, I counted sixteen." -me setting up shotglass checkers after a powerhour

"Pound it. I'll pound it." -Sean
"I'm still gonna eat your pumpkin pie." -me
"Damn you."

"We had like ten beers each, didn't we?"
"Exactly ten."
"Is that counting the Red Hook?"
"...No, not counting the Red Hook. Only the cans."
"Is that counting the margarita?"
"Nope."
"Nice."

"Maybe you and all your little engineering friends will make fun of me 'cause I don't get it, but... I don't get it." -Gina

"I HAVE peed in some odd places, though." -Gina

"I think I left my outfit in your hotel room." -Gina to Pamela

"I wouldn't mind being the thing he's in the middle of." -Gina

"...and I ended up having to kill Kermit the Frog, because he was trying to kill me." -Adam describing a dream he had when he was about 6

"In a lot of ways, I hate you, but I love you." -Gina to me
"It's 'cause you're limber." -Adam to me

"We replaced him with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman. One of the guys who lived up the street had one, I don't know why." -Me
"I know why." -Adam

"There's no excuse to have three-on-one action." -Adam

"I've gotta wait 'til he finishes there... PENIS!" -Adam

"The force exerted by the male on the female..." -Part of someone's discussion of sex, complete with sinusoidal graphs (some showing decay)

"Dan, would you have ever considered a discussion on sex with that many graphs?" -Gina

Post-quals
"Derive for me the speed of smell." -Hernando
"I gave your MOM the speed of smell!" -Ian
and
"If the cops stop you, you're gonna say you're what?" -Hernando
"Drunk as shit." -Ian

"Keeping this up is the hardest part."
"It's about to break."
"People keep punching it." -Shuo about his costume's "switch"

After F-18's did their flyby over the stadium and our tailgate
"Raise your hand if you just got a boner." -Steve

"Whooooo! The reigning kegstand champion! (turns to champion) Where's your wife?" -some big guy dressed like Harry Potter

"Actually, we specifically remember you two going at it with a big group of people." -Matt to T/Joe abt wedding video
"Things get crazy with Kat & Matt." -T

"Like every picture I have with Dan is my ass right up next to his face." -Quynh

Waitress at restaurant changes tv from GT/Clemson game to baseball:
"What are you doing?!" -customer
"World Series!" -waitress
"No!"
"Jesus!"

text from Animal
"Crowly your dad looks so much like you my head just exploded --animal"

"Your dad doesn't look THAT much like... like not HEAD-EXPLODING like you." -Kat

"I would love to roofie all of you and make you all go back and pass out so I can go to sleep too." -Katie

"I've been married four months and no babies yet." -Kat
"That's like God hating you." -Kim

"Are you ok, Kim?" -Kat
"Paul's shushing me." -Kim
"Fuck Paul." -Kat

"In the middle here are these ghastly things, and they do unspeakable things to your neutrons." -Cassiano

kat: no
kat: no backer after wedding
me: before?
kat: and given that wedding is at 9am, no backer before
kat: I did that before T's wedding
me: oh, you can just leave early :)
kat: I cannot
me: suuuure you can :)
kat: I cannot leave the backer early
kat: will not
me: :)
kat: which you know damn well
me: oh, you'll be fine this time
kat: don't even
kat: I know you're a bad influence
me: baaaaaaacker
me: "...never even call me by myyy naaay-eeeeem"
kat: I'm getting M*A*R*R*I*E*D!
me: "...cause at least I know I'm freeeeee..."
kat: believe me, this and being in labor are about the only times when I refuse to consider 'backer

"...do you think a gig is enough?"
"A gig should be fine."
"And then upgrade the hard drive..." -sideline chatter during the flag football game between my lab and a rival lab

"So was I arguing with you about something, or was I telling you about my dad's job?" -Erin C

"I'm raising my cup up. We're at your... we're at your two o'clock to your left." -Kestner helping me find the group at the highlands Octoberfest
"Two o'clock to your left makes no sense, asshole." -me

"It's like Imax, but with scotch." -Kestner's reaction to the Johnny Walker "journery experience"

KatieM: I have some very lovely jiggers

"That's one of my pubes." -Alan

"Babe, take my tampons out of your nose." -Jen to Alan

"See, I don't have a penis hole to do that." -Jen

"Is it infected?" -Tara
"I don't see any red lines headed towards your heart yet." -John
"I heard something about a hooker." -me

"May I hold one of Alan's balls?" -John
"No, you may not." -Tara

"I love you, but your nipples are wet." -Jen

"Hairy nipples do not affect me." -Jen

"Look whose f---ing nipples are all wet." -Jen

"We didn't grope, we pseudo-groped." -Jen
"It was softcore porn." -Alan

"Hello!" -some girl
"Avast! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day!" -some guy
"Oh god."

"You remember that long story I didn't tell you yesterday?" -me
"No." -Kat
"The one I didn't tell you."
"Oh, yeah yeah."

"I can't very well shit forward, can I?" -Shuo

"Anyways, can you do me a favor and see if you or your dad or anyone can get extra tickets for the GT game, cause we would really like to come down for that and eat your food and drink your booze, but y'know, it'll be fun. I'm just calling to see if you know anyone, put us on the list of people who are looking to get tickets, and remember you were in our wedding, so um... you owe us." -Snow's voicemail asking for ND-GT tickets

"Beer is so delicious." -Erin S.

"I'm hammered. I'm hammered, buddy! (tapping a pledge on the shoulder) I'm hammered!" -frat guy across the street from our tailgate

green: i'm easy
green: once you've earned my trust

"I thought Bermuda was like a warlock's place, I didn't think it was real." -Katie

"It's like a flux capacitor." -guy in GT library
"Like they used to have for time travel in... what's that movie called?" -girl

"Oh, HERE are my pants." -Chung at lab

lyrics in Tubey's profile for TWoP
green: oh, it's just some epic poem, right?
me: that's Billy Joel's The Stranger

Texts from people:
"Were here-the whole city smells like a wet sock" - mikey in NO,LA

Green texts me something
"Can't talk. Flying" - me
"I... am confused. are you high?"
respond with camera-phone picture out the plane's window
"You bitch. cant wait to hear about it. tonight: beer or food and beer?"

"p.s. Remind me to tell you about my dream that involved a drunk baby pouring beers" -KatieM

"I just shot gunned a beer with my grandma" -KatieM

"Hey, sorry for the late response. i simply had concerns that midtown was gay" -Adam

"GusterJust did the rap from revenge of the nerds... And had it translated into sign language" -Snow

"Lead singer of flaming lips came on stage in a hamster ball and then rolled into the crowd! Band dressed as bat man n captain america. Best. Concert. Ever." -Snow

"Soon enough i'll hit the sauce and give kestner's mom the attention she deserves." -Ryan

"lol it involved an old lady crossing the road and a corn fed harvest mouse" -Diana

"I love you dude. I mean that in a hetero way" -Sean

"Bon jovi starts on motherf---ing time, bitch." -Green

And voicemails I haven't posted yet:
Crowley , what’s up, it’s Booter, giving you a call to say hi. You know, I’m trying to give you a call before midnight this week. Ah, and I wanted a chance to touch base… I was gonna say catch-base, you know, catch up with you, touch base, I’ll pick, I’ll pick, uh… touch base, that’s kinda what I was gonna do, um, anyway I’m on my way to a worthless meeting so feel free to give me a call in the middle of it, leave me some sort of inspirational message telling me I can do it, I just need to press on, and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. Of course, Christmas isn’t for nine months from now. But actually, if you think about it, this is theoretically when Jesus was conceived, which is not the Immaculate Conception. Of course, we don’t really know when Jesus was born, we just kinda lump it together with the secular holiday, the greek holiday of Father Christmas, but you know, we wanted to kinda create an amalgam of the two traditions. I guess you could say that Jesus was probably conceived around Lent. Which is pretty hard, considering it was Lent too. I dunno. It kind of begs the question of, could Jesus really be conceived during Lent? I mean it’s forty days of fasting, right? In theory? That’s where we get the forty days from. Well, forty days comes from a lot of the biblical stuff. And technically this was like when Jesus was, y’know, starting to do a whole bunch of stuff, but how could he be doing a whole bunch of stuff when he’s still in the womb? Or I mean, he’s just a little… maybe that’s the anti-abortion, ah, movement, is that I mean look at Jesus, he was conceived and he was already, y’know, miracles and he was crucified just a couple months later. It’s like, crazy, wow. Um. So, hope you enjoyed that. If I suddenly stop talking, a lightning bolt has come and zapped me. Although I’m in my car, so hopefully it wouldn’t totally kill me, but I think if God wanted to he... yeah, he could. I’m gonna go with that, the whole lightning bolt. Hopefully not, though, hopefully God knows I’m just kidding. Hopefully you know I was just kidding. So yeah, I just found a trend, leading random messages, so hopefully you enjoyed it. Take care, buddy. Peace.
-Booter

Alright, so I’ve been completely demasculinized because my wife is currently sitting on the couch texting everyone she knows about how she just saw Brady Quinn on the elevator, and how, and how like they were this close to making out and falling in love and running off and making lots of little strong-armed babies. So... (Erin says something) OH MY GOD, WOMAN! Jesus, you’re like... everyone she knows is getting texted! Even you! And why do you care? You’re a man. Though, you know, even men can get lost in Brady’s dreamy eyes. (Erin says something) I don’t know if my sister knows who Brady Quinn is. Jesus! I mean seriously, I’m like shrinking up as is. Anyways, hope... Oh my god, she’s seriously sending it to everyone in her phone book. Hope Mountain Goats is good, and I will probably be giving you a call tomorrow. Drop the phone, woman, come on! Someone has to love me best! Ok, bye Crowley . (Erin says something) Oh, go to hell.
-Snow

"Bon voyage, mouse-bitch!" - May '06 - August '06

2006-08-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

=== Beach Vacation ===
A family discussion turns to how, when I was a baby, I'd just lay there and flap my limbs instead of learning to crawl or whatever (which led my mom to suspect I was a little "slow"):
"Little did we know, that was a precursor to your quest for flight." -Aunt Laurie

Mom describes the role she played as the older sister to eight boys and another girl:
"I was, uh... I was GESTAPO!"

Discussing how often I'd wander off and get lost as a child:
"Danny, you got that from your Uncle Billy. They used to put him in a harness and tie him to a dog run. Seriously!" -Aunt Laurie

"I'm a human D.U.I." -Jimmy

"Spiderman! If I were Jewish, I'd be Spiedermann." -Katie

"Uncle Neil was a bad motherf---er when we were young." -Jimmy

"We were talking about how intoxicated we are, and I said I wasn't quite drunk enough not to talk to Aunt Laurie." -Chris

"Kumbayah my ass. I love it." -Uncle Neil with the winning Cranium answer

"Asshole is a good enough game to play even if for some reason you aren't drinking." -Chris
"Like if you have to drive around nuns that night for some reason." -Katie
Aunt Laurie, who'd been brushing Katie's hair, gives it a yank.
"Aaah! Because they don't like being driven drunk!" -Katie

"Chris, take a drink for worshipping the wrong god." -Mike B.

=== Poker Night ===
"Wait a minute, I thought I was playing 21! ...I'm NOT!" -Mom

"You know what, I feel bad, 'cause I was lying." -Mom, apologizing for bluffing

"Pocket pair? ...oh, that means he has a pair in his pants." -Mom

"Danny, I'm not gonna be able to talk if you keep doing this." -Mom, after I wrote down the pocket-pair comment

"Ok, dummy... eight... nine... queen..." -Mom, dealing the flop while narrating
"Did you guys really play like this?" -Mike C.

"Two pair." -Laura
"Oh, I just have a king." -Mom
"...you have three of a kind, Mom." -me
"I do?" -Mom

"I did! I had three pair! Why didn't I win?" -Angela

"She was bluffing, and she went all-in to call." -Mikey
"What's wrong with that?" -Mom

=== End of Poker Night ===

"Do you have proper punctuation on your blog?" -Katie to me
"Why are you looking at me?" -Mom to Katie
"Proper punctuation means naked people." -me to Mom
"Why do you have naked people on your blog?!" -Mom

Responding to Mike B.'s compliment:
"I'm glad it's a badass salad. Makes me happy." -Mom

"Whose room has the magnetic utensil holder?" -Mike B.
"Me." -me
"I shit in your bathroom."

"I know, I know, I put my underwear up on the flagpole." -Drew on the phone to Pat

Mike B. makes a $20 bet with Mike C. that he (B) will have a kid before any of the rest of us. Mike C. turns to the porchful of 15yr-old girls who are next door for a birthday party:
"Who wants to make nineteen dollars?"

"Yes, I'm tanner than Drew! I've been trying to do this for ten year!" -EJ

"That's getting you back for last year, when you said that's the palest you've ever seen me." -EJ

"I don't understand some of the things I say sometimes." -Drew

"Who are these fat people?" -Drew, looking at EJ's pictures
"If that's me, I'm gonna be pissed." -Katie

"We saw your MySpace page tonight... No way, no way could you have too many icons. It looked nice." -Katie on the phone with Mike B's girlfriend

"It's really hard to drink out of this Twizzler." -Katie

"You're giving me that look like I'm a worthless piece of shit." -Drew
Later:
"Michael, did I ever call you a worthless piece of shit?" -Mom
"Yeah, Mom, I got an A- on a piece of paper." -Mikey

"We have an asthma drug that's proven to kill more African-Americans than whites, but only a few." -Katie
=== End of Beach Quotes ===

KatieM: and you have to be careful about hitting on everyone
KatieM: It makes you less likely to be successful with anyone
me: word gets around, yes
KatieM: That's why I keep my tramp-like ways a secret

Kat: mmmm, balls

"Notre Dame? Dan suffers when they lose, and I like to see other people suffer." -Kestner

KatieM: Now you know what it's like to be a woman's leg
KatieM: Not that I'm sure men should know what that's like . . .

"Danny always listened to this music, didn't he? In his car? What's it called, 'scab'?" -Mom, when Mike was listening to Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes

"What can I say, Crowley. You're my Egon." -Snow

"...and she's really hard to call out, 'cause she's got that sassy blackness that she throws in your face." -Bhuan
"You just don't know how to handle it." -Spencer

"Pull on it and I'll tell you if it hurts." -Nando with a new lip-stud
"I don't want to pull on it." -Lauren
"I'll pay you ten dollars right now."
"I don't want ten dollars!"
"Ok, then pull it for free!"

"Do it. Slowly, and if it hurts I'll say OW. You can do it harder." -Nando
"I don't want to pull it harder." -Hayley

"Excuse me, are you a chick?" -Raphael, Duffy's old roommate
"I feel like one now. My vagina just exploded." -Anthony

"You don't like head? What's wrong with you?" -Gina

"When I come on to you, you'll know it." -Spam to Bhuan

"You're a violent son of a bitch." -me
"Yes I (hic) am... that made me sound so much less malicious." -Ryan

"Hit me!" -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"Because of the hiccups."
hit
"No, HIT me, you pussy!"
HIT
"Ow! Not with your fist!"

"Wisconsiiiiiin... they're the f---ing... cheese... guys." -drunk girl who sat down at our table at Limerick
"Cheese HEADS." -Kestner

"I'm gonna hit Dan with a chair. ...I think he's on to me." -Pirate
"Huh?" -me
"What?"

"We're popping all kinds of your cherries tonight." -Ryan
"Whose cherries?" -Adam
"Yours."
"Mine? Why?"

"You know, I was pretty upset about not going over there, but since I got to accidentally touch Susan's boob? It was pretty good." -Adam

"This is a red-headed slut. Ever had one of them?" -Ryan
"No." -Adam
"Cherry number two." -Ryan
"You'll be very sore at the end of the night." -Kestner

"Kriiiiiiistin... you're nauuuuuughty." -Lexie, for reasons unknown

"So I immediately cut myself off, carry her off the floor with her crying in my arms, and her Marine dad decides whether or not he needs to kill me." -Mothball

Green: it's just a funny story that the president of the university will probably associate my name with penis if she ever sees it again

"Of all the places that we went, if there was one city where I thought we got scammed, it was the Vatican." -Dad describing his trip to Italy

"What'd you just say? ...Oh. I thought you just flirted with me. ...Hello?" -Guy on cellphone

=== John & Tara's Wedding ===
"Look at you guys with your real vests, who don't have to deal with elastic straps in the back." -Ben
"Shut up and put on your bib." -Doug

"I'm bigger than all of you put together." -Ben
"That sounds like a challenge." -John
"You could form Voltron and I'd still defeat you."

"You motherf---ers turn your f---ing phones off, or..." -Ben imitating the priest, while sitting in the limo two feet in front of the flower girl

"No, I'd definitely put shoes before puppies." -Therese, after I suggested her value system went babies, puppies, shoes.

"Percocet kicked in. Life is good." -Erin

From across the room:
"Hey John! You're MARRIED!" -Doug, who then snapped a picture of John's face

"I'm performing my duties as a bridesmaid and making sure she got to pee ok." -Manda

While attaching condoms to John's car:
"You should blow them up!" -Manda
"I'm not putting my f---ing lips on any goddamn condoms." -Doug
=== End of Wedding Quotes ===

"It's very artistic, just how many ways you can chop up the human body and make it look good." -Joe, about the "Bodies" exhibit

Kat: you are a good way to waste time

KatieM: I often wonder if my view of dating is anywhere near being in line with the rest of the world
me: better than most, probably
KatieM: Oh honey, you didn't go to ND law
KatieM: it's where social skills go to die

KatieM: I'm good at having low standards
KatieM: It's the only way to make friends in law school

"Why did you put his hat in your pants?" -me
"If you had a hat, would you want it in my pants?" -Pirate

What I said:
"Tell Erin that Ashley's pissed off that she hasn't heard from her in a while, and she just graduated."
What Snow heard:
"Tell Erin that Ashley just crapped."

"Should we interview him together, or will that be too intimidating?" -Elena
"No, I prefer the gang-rape." -Peter

"And we'd get balls signed by Darryl Strawberry, back when that was cool.' -Amaris

"Hi, honey." -Donovan, answering his phone in the strip club

"I touched a stripper's penis!" -Drunken Tara

"The stripper put his hand on my penis." -Tara

"I'm getting maaaaaaa-ried!" -Tara, yelling out the car window

"John, you're the best Hans ever." -Therese

"I can't see through my hair." -Becky

"If you don't marry Mandie, you'll marry ME." -Becky to me

"Somebody ate my penis." -Tara
"I did!" -Becky

"Dan, if you don't marry John, and you don't marry Mandie, you're gonna marry me.' -Becky

"Those are the realest boobs in the place." -John

"I'll move back now so you guys can concentrate, because I'm seeing six roads and you're probably only seeing three." -Becky, while we were on a two-lane road

"Dan and John are getting married. If my sister pukes on me I'll never forgive her." -Tara

"And my sister's lying in my crotch, she loves my crotch." -Tara

"I love my sister, I'm feeling up her boobs." -Tara
"I'm gonna pee my pants!" -Becky

Green: yeah, the bunny? i was sure was a baby toy
me: i can safely say i didn't look at that and think, "cock ring"
Green: and you should feel good about that

"Tell him not to drive, tell him I'm gonna get him f---ed-up drunk." -Susan from Limerick about Adam W.

"I got it on with two engaged chicks last night!" -Paul

"Are you putting your straw in my butter?" -girl sitting next to Gibeau at T's reception
"Yeah, sorry." -Gibeau

"My friend licked the pole. She's not dead, either. She's pregnant, but she's not dead." -Gibeau, talking about the Backer

"Where were you in '92? Cause I was in fifth grade." -Kristin
"I was a sophomore in high school." -Kestner

"The woman looks like one of those toy monkeys playing the drums." -Diana

"It sucks to be thirty. I don't recommend it." -Kestner

"Oh dear God, don't lick me! I don't know what you have on your tongue." -Diana, about her experience at the Pony

"The carbonation probably wouldn't work in space, so you'd have to get like dried beer or something." -Ashley, talking about a moon rocket that served alcohol

"You're a salt-monger." - January '06 - May '06

2006-05-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

"I need some buffalo wings and then I'll drink your ass under the table... some buffalo wings." -Lindsay's brother

"He'll say whatever comes out of his mouth." -Lindsay

"Sweet piece of skeet-skeet!" -Lindsay's brother

kat: ohhhhhhh
kat: ohhhh it's good
kat: love it
kat: every time
While watching ND football highlights

A bit later:
kat: it's almost orgasmic
kat: no, not almost

"Putting you on the ground was necessary. Kicking you in the ass was fun." -Pirate

"Did you just lose your car for ten seconds?" -me
"No, I just lost me for a second. I knew where my car was the whole time." -Ryan

"Every time you punch him in the balls, it spills my beer!" -Guy at the next table to Gina (who was trying to hit Kestner)

"Kestner has one mode: hard and inaccurate." -Pirate

"Susan is a great waitress. Very..." -Ryan
"She's a real tease." -Adam

"FYI, I'm not having Bhuan's babies so he could stay in the country, end of story." -Gina

"That was all gooey and nasty... that was really gross." -Ryan to Gina
"What are you reaching down..." -Adam, trailing off

"Ok, are you ready? It's time for shaking like a Poloroid picture." -Waiter at Benihana

"So who's hung oooooover? Whoooo's hung oooover? Is Crowley hung over? Is he? Is he? I bet he iiiiiis! Sounded like he was well on his way yesterday, ha ha ha. Anyway bro, just giving you a call 'cause I figured you'd be hung over and it'd be funny. And if you're not hung over, bravo. Though chugging Guinness that late in the night, you've gotta be hurting." -Voicemail from Snow calling at 10am the morning after I passed quals.

"Hey Crowley, you better not be able to answer your phone because you're making out with the bartender from Limerick (who is female, so everyone's on the same page). Whoooo! Yeah, you know why? Because that's what f---ing PhD candidates do! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! You passed the motherf---ing qualifiers! Yeuh. Whoooo! Go Crowley go, go go Crowley go!..." -Voicemail from Booter the night I passed quals

"I love her laugh, it's such a Betty Rubble laugh... the Betty Rubble laugh of intimidation." -Susie K.

"See, you guys debate how airplanes do what they do. I debate the proper placement of a chair rail." -Gina

Text message from Sean, a high school physics teacher:
So I accidentally said the word schlong during class today

"No, I mean kick backwards, like if you squeeze down on its balls it'll kick you. You know what I'm talking about. You guys ever been to New Hampshire?" -Mark, talking about horses.

"See, this is why I could never be anorexic. I love food too much." -DianaT

Text message conversation with Pirate when I first skipped Limerick to study for quals:
Pirate: Told susan youre at the darkhorse
me: Tell her I've found a pretty brunette waitress named Erin who I plan on tipping extravagantly.
Pirate: Dont come back here (susan)
me: That's awesome. Damn quals.
Pirate: Our bill is 120, thankssss
me: So we finally had to pay for all those end-of-the-night shots. And by we, I mean "not me."
Pirate: Susan's sad, come say hi.
me: That's just plain underhanded.
Pirate: Yes, hurry over
Not long afterwards, Pirate dials my number and hands the phone to Susan (our regular waitress) so she can try to talk me into coming.

"For reference, I turn twenty-five this year and I feel old." -me
"F---ass. Bastard." -Kestner

"I can't cry for Bambi. Deer's too tasty." -Alex, during a quals study session

"Two years from now, Ben will be married, and his wife will be four months pregnant... and Mormon." -Ryan (March 31, 2006)
"Um, he will be Mormon, or his pregnant wife?" -me
"Both." -Jeff M. and Ryan, simultaneously

"If I were half the man Dan is, I'd be a butch-ass dyke." -Gina while on painkillers, after half a beer at Manuel's

Ryan's away message:
Q: What mixes well with tequila?
A: Me, motherf---er!

kat: no come back, I want to hold you

Passed on by Bhuan, about cat hair:
"Let me just rub myself on you until it gets off." -Marco to Ben

Trying to goad me into drinking another "last" beer at Limerick:
"I'm still ahead of you." -Kestner
"You're used to working hung-over." -me
"...yeah?"

"You just have to avoid banging the sister. That would be awkward." -Ryan, about Snow having both a wife and a sister named Erin.

"Oh God, strike down this lab and everyone in it." -Ben while thinking about his special topics paper

Snow's text messages on St. Patrick's Day:
Black 47 and guinness. giggity.
God bless the irish.... and pass the beer
We just saw the best. live. drinking. concert. ever.
ps erin says dont make out w- ashley
pps the empire st building is green

"Come, sit next to me. I'm a cocoon." -Kristin to Vanessa

"It's almost as if you're high or something, and you're seeing... M&M's." -Vanessa

"Erin, I guess I'm not Irish, I don't have a green bra. ...Erin has a green water bra! Erin, that makes you sound very... earthy." -Ashley

Referencing guys at Bulldog's, a local gay bar:
"You know all they do is work out and have sex with each other." -Jarrod
"I wish girls did that." -Steve T.

"Oh God, the carbonation got me. And it burned!" -Ashley

"He's cheating, he's cheating! Do you cheat in PhD school too?!" -Ashley

"What are you, European?" -Shuo
"Asian." -Sid
"You're subcontinental."

"My pants are still on, FYI." -Ashley

"Congratulations, you're watching porn!" -Phillip
"It's not porn!" -Gina
"It's cross-sectional porn." -me
"It's not porn, it's science!" -Gina

"If you see the safety on the left side of the gun, it can fire. Pow! If you see the safety on the right side of the gun, it can't fire. Pow! Whoops." -Referee/Instructor at the paintball field

"Laurel got shot in the mouth. She said it didn't taste very good." -Joe

"Was that Laurel I nailed in the ass?" -Bhuan

"You were the one who got your pants ripped off. I don't think you really get an opinion." -Ryan to Bhuan

"I've been creeped out by clowns for a while, so I may be biased." -me
"I am too, but I get to bite into this one's face." -Gina

At the dueling pianos bar:
"I like the guy we can't see." -me
"That's because he's not slapping his ass." -Diana

"I've decided to institute psychological warfare against Nick." -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"That's a very odd first question to ask. I would've gone with what instead of why. Uh... I don't really have an answer for that."

"Dude, is your cell phone ring just some guy yelling?" -me
"It's Redman. It's a good song." -Ryan (disputed)
"You're white. Let's go." -Ben

"You might as well put a blind retard in a round room and tell him to hit the corner." -Ehren

"They'd have to use what the British test pilots euphemistically called the Hawker Shallow Dive, which was full power straight down." -Skunk Works chief test pilot, speaking to GT AIAA

"Only my dog would pick the most phallic toy available." -Gina

"There's a big difference between women who were born on a farm and girls who look like livestock." -Jarrod

"Catholics can't read, I don't know if you know." -Marco

"Gotta sell your soul for something. Might as well be good Powerpoint." -Jarrod

"We can take passengers, because I truly don't like to see DD's on the road." -Diane

"So I kept beating this guy with my baton and he wouldn't die, which is what upset me." -Ryan, about a bad dream involving a guy stealing parts off his bike as he watched.

"Hey Crowley, what's going on? Oh my God, you are a total f---hole. Not you, Crowley, this jackass who just tried to cut around everyone in line. Yield! Goddamn these people are stupid. Where are you going?! What the hell, you're going to get around me! It's a merge! What the f---? Yeah, that's right, stay behind me! Oh shit, Crowley! Hey! Uh... so yeah, people can't drive. Sorry. Anyways, calling to see what's up, it's been a while, uh... sorry about the profanity. I'll catch you later. Bye." -Voicemail from Snow

"He's Da-an, Da-an,
You never know what
He'll write down next...
Da-an, Da-an
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-out-of-context." -Ben

"Somewhere down the line, someone has to die because of something I've made." -Ryan

"Actually, I do have a spare copy of my pocket Constitution. Maybe if you're good you'll get one for Valentine's Day." -Diane

"You're a neutral observer." -Ryan
"I'm a belligerent observer who's gonna kneecap you when you come over for more logs." -Ehren

"Is bacon really a food? I don't think it is." -Ehren
"What else would it be?" -Bhuan
"...condiment?"

"Never use a public outhose in Alabama. The VD will rise up and punch you in the face." -Ryan

"I'm turning myself like a rotisserie." -Lindsay

"My toes are nice and toas... burning." -Bhuan

"Can you smack me really hard?" -Lindsay to Johann

"Now if that is second base, where would... never mind." -Diane

"I stop thinking when you talk." -Diane

erin: Gues what? Lots if not most of those companies (in my work profile) have offices in DC or Northern VA -- woo hoo . . . the Crowley machine is moving to DC
erin: ps jeff says wink wink nudge nudge get your hot ass up here
erin: ok, I added the hot part

erin: and let's get back to you screwing jeremy piven

"Wrestling means sex!" - New Years 05-06

2006-01-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Booter, guess what's in the oven, have you heard?" -Erin
"A bun?" -Sean
Erin kicks him.

"Would you like me to open my mouth and show you what I'm eating?" -Snow

"My brother got this game called Shadow of the Hedgehog. It's pretty cool. It's like... you're a hedgehog." -Sean

"Can you make a list of what we can and cannot do with your sister?" -Sean

"Crowley, you want to help me tap this?" -Jeff

"Booter, why are you exuding fuzzies?" -Erin

"Why would you eat a big red candle?! It makes no sense!" -Erin

"I love the penii." -Erin

"It... exacerbates the situation." -Booter
"You had to think about that one, didn't you, bitch?" -Snow
"No, I had to not burp like a Mongol."

"You just head-butted my boob!" -Erin

"I had to take care of thirty chickens, fuckers." -Steph

"So the father left Emergency Chicken instructions." -Steph

"I just dropped turkey down my bra. It was delicious. It was, try it!" -Erin

"I have freakishly strong hands." -Steph

"You jumped on him, straddled..." -EPrime

"You go shower, hon. And you go shower, sis. I'm gonna stay here and fart in front of Booter." -Snow

"Danke schon." -me
"Is it strange that I thought you just said donkeyshit?" -Snow

Sean said "Snow, can I have some assistance?"
Snow heard "Snow, can I have your sister?"

"Oh, that's Booter's flabby boob. I just had turkey dribbled on me." -Erin

"Booter's magic penis won't reach across the bed!" -Erin

"I'm gonna go spoon with Booter and see if he wakes up." -Erin

"Crowley, I thought that was you snoring." -Booter
"You thought what was me snoring?" -me
"The chainsaw outside."

"Hey, twenty-nine inches. Beat it." -Booter

"Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife..." -Snow
"Doing your sister?" -me
"Screw them all." -EPrime

"Except I'm not married to my brother, cause that'd be weird." -EPrime

"Get a little head with that, Booter." -Erin
"It's hard!" -Sean

"You're pinking today." -Sean to Erins

"Stop stealing my bits!" -Snow
"Stop stealing Dick Van Dyke's bits!" -Sean

"That was the hardest tickle I ever had in my entire life." -Booter
"I wasn't tickling." -Snow

"What do you have when you have nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?" -Booter
"Chin nuts?"
"You got a dick in your mouth." -Booter
"Booter, let's cuddle!" -Erin

"Booter, don't ever bend over in front of me!" -Erin

About Rocky Horror Picture Show
"You're a virgin! They ostracize you people!" -Steph

"I hate Riley." -Steph
"Why do you hate Riley?"
"He's just such a pussy."

"Bad Booter! Suck it, suck it!" -Erin
"It won't go down!" -Sean

"Crowley, we know you're big and obstructive. Now move." -Snow

Erin helps Steph write emails to ditch work after the Buffy power-hour
"Double exclamation marks make you sound too perky." -Erin
later
"I called out sick! Fuck!" -Steph

"Get me some beer, bitches!" -Steph

"What, what? I did a candle? I would've onle done a candle once, first of all." -Erin

"You know what's annoying, is that Crowley never writes down the stupid shit HE says." -Erin

"So your brother's penis goes into her cooch." -Sean
"Oh my god." -EPrime

Sean spits a little on the table
"He just hocked on the table." -Erin
"He just loogied up your lacquer." -me

"My bottom hurts, because of the pole!" -Erin on the couch

"We got them poker chips, the least they could do is get us some whores." -Booter

"You know I hate head!" -Erin

"We're at your whim." -Booter
"Alright, bend over." -Erin

"Swooomp... that's the sound a schism makes." -Sean

Erin slaps Sean so hard in the ass that he falls down
"Ow, balls, that hurt!" -Sean
"Balls? Where?" -Snow
"On my back."

"Man, that was a hell of a slap, Erin!" -Sean
"My hand kinda hurts." -Erin

"I drank grape juice instead." -Booter
"You drank what?" -Snow
"Grape juice."
"You mean wine?"
"Oh, yeah."

"I'm straddling Booter! He's pulling me down on top of him!" -Erin
"Alright, knock it off, you're getting too close to the TV!" -Snow

"To Jeff's small penis!" -Courtney, the first toast of New Years

"Jeff, I broke our computer with a virus!" -Courtney
"Crowley, I have herpes!" -Sean

"Ew, I just got spittle in my eyeball." -Erin

"I'm dressing up like a crazy whore. It's my crazy-whore dress from college." -Courtney

"Get a shot, we'll do it on the dance floor, we'll make out. Oh, with other people." -Sean

"I want to be easy, I'm gonna drink these." -Erin

Didn't personally witness this on the way out of the party, but I couldn't leave it out
"Booter, you should leave your drink inside." -Erin
"Who are you sleeping with tonight?" -Sean
"...Jeff?"
"EXACTLY!"
Booter holds onto his drink.

"We are, we're tidy booters." -Sean

"The banana whetted my appetite, now can you bring me something else that's delicious?" -Erin

"Snow, can you come back in a minute?" -me
"Crowley, can you eat my ass?" -Snow
"Only after he eats his banana!" -Erin

"Ow, oh my god! You just shocked my ass like eight times!" -Erin

"Poor little Max has been through a lot this weekend, his little horn no longer goes up." -Erin

"Oh, and we've gotta watch Christmas Vacation." -me
"And play that... sex game." -EPrime

Playing -Battle of the Sexes-
"Oooh, I've become more effeminate, maybe that'll help." -Sean

"You told me about that game, where you could kill, marry, or fuck 'em." -Erin

"Have you heard about the guy who does that comic, but he can't draw so he uses clip art?' -Erin
"Are you talking about your husband?" -me
"This guy is really funny though."

"Oh shit, damn, balls, fuck, let's go." -Erin

"But you weren't on top of me and Jeff senior year, you were only on top of us junior year. Senior year you were on top of Erin2 and Crowley..." -Erin

"Snow, why am I about to fellate you?" -Sean

"So how do you win?" -Sean
"You fuck all the right people." -Erin
"There's no fucking!" -EPrime
"Shit!" -Erin

"We had a discussion about this, that Beverly D'Angelo is like the only older woman that people would... that people feel attracted to." -Sean

"Kill marry fuck!" -Sean
"It's so much fun!" -Erin

"They have the instructions for the actual World-Wide-Fucking? Booter, you bring out the dirty side of me." -Erin

"Why in the world would you fuck Loni Anderson?" -Erin to Snow

"I think I'd kick the shit out of her if she was my sibling." -Erin on Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

"I thought you'd totally f--- the shit out of Bob Barker, he's so virile." -Sean

"I nailed you, Erin." -Me

"I f---ed Lillith, but that's it." -Erin

"I don't know enough about her to get behind her." -me

"I like Fran Drescher, I like her accent." -Sean
"ACCENT?" -me

"Oh, that's the meniscus." -me
"That sounds like a menorah, but dirty." -Erin

After the weekend:
"Your quotes from this year used the f-word a lot more." -Ashley

"I'm gonna pray for you, that you're not the devil." - October '05 to December '05

2006-01-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

"You guys are like the Spartans here." -Doc
"What does that mean?" -Pat
"Work... exercise... pretty soon you're gonna be running naked out there."

"I just want to stab him so vigorously the knife would catch fire." -Bhuan

"He could probably eat his own shit and still be famous." -Gina (about Tom Cruise?)

"De-virginized!" -Kristin

"I know that you're no match for my squirminess." -Diane

"Mrs. Donnelly says we all have big heads because we have to fit so much brains in there." -Mom
"I don't have a big head." -my sister
Nobody responds.

"I don't want to see the penis, I just want to see the rest." -Cindy

"They're all gonna have an orgy now. Ew, no, don't touch me!" -Carrie

"Screw you!" -me
"Screw me all you want." -Green

"ROMANKIEWICZ!" -Green

"Your brother and I tend to float to the same kind of people. You? Guido-fest down the road." -Carrie

"By the way, I want you to know, I decided you're not the devil so I won't call you that." -Diane

"I'm putting my hat back on." -Ben P.
"Don't do it, you'll look like a penis!" -Leah

"Imagine if mutants actually had cool powers... instead of, like, Downs Syndrome." -Ben (quoted by Ryan)

"Yeah, I suck." -Diane
I laugh.
"NOT in any way that would benefit you..."

"I also just always hated stuffing things into my ears." -Diane

"By hanging out with her, it reminds me to keep my own vices in check." -Diane about her friend Charity

"Make bond while adhesive is aggressively tacky." -spray mount instructions

"So management, huh?" -me teasing a girl playing a drinking game
"No, I'm smart, I'm just drunk." -Ann

"I'm gonna pray for you, that you're not the devil." -Diane

kat: you're not the devil
kat: you're evil, but not the devil
kat: maybe a minion

"Go spoon the anus of the turkey." -Kristin

"Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck." -Kristin

"If I don't neet to use her, I can pass her to you." -Sean abt Hughes as a New Years' date

"I smack her around all the time." -Mike B.
"You're the only one who can smack me around." -Kristin

"When all else fails, use your mouth." -Gina

"How can you tell she's a slut?" -Gina
"It's a matter of open-mind-edness." -me
"Open-something-else-edness." -Ryan

Talking about Thanksgiving preparations
"How many people are going?" -Mom
"No clue." -me
"How many are girls?"
"No clue."
"Because they don't eat the potatoes, because of the carbs."
"Really? That's dumb."
"I know."

"First rule of papal conclave: do not talk about papal conclave." -Spam

"Dan, I think your stick's getting curvy." -Spam

"You got a haircut, didn't you? Your head looks smaller."
later
"You're like a Chia." -Gina

"Pack those bags, get things started, get ready to get drunk 'cause it's your turn to go down this year, big boy, and that's gonna be a mission." -Snow's voicemail about New Years' plans

"Why are vectors and tensors so important? Why are we washing your brain with this nonsense?"
and
"This operation is a sin against tensor analysis." -Dr. Bauchau

"If it was me, I'd run her off the road, but I'm a crockpot of testosterone." -Bhuan

"You're trying to have a moment over my back, over my shoulder." -Marco

"I tried to kick the donkey, but the donkey was smarter than me and got away." -Snow describing his honeymoon

"PS- I'm still in detox, and I'm not allowed to drink anymore unless I can learn not to fall down." -text from Erin, post-LA

"When it comes down to it, we were always hammered." -best relationship epitaph ever

kat: ok, well it overflowed and spit out and I... nevermind

kat: given the choice, backer or sex (guaranteed safe and midget free), what would you pick?

"Violence is not the answer." -Jonathan
"Vionence is an answer..." -Brandon

"You just got poked, didn't you?" -me
"Really hard! It hurt!" -Lindsay

"I'm pretty sure Mexico City style is when you hit somebody until candy comes out of them." -Bhuan

"You licked me! And not in a good place!" -Ryan to Amy

"Doc said to me, I hear you're drunk, and I said yes, yes I am." -Erin M.

"I hear you made her cry." -me
"Oh-ho-ho!" -Doc
"And then he told me I couldn't get pregnant." -Erin M.

"When you go to grad school, you're just another brain on a stick." -Jorge Cham

bhuan: we indians have perfected the whole breeding profusely thing

kat: especially if you spent 5 of those hours chasing after a midget

"So what are you doing tonight?" - Washington DC, Oct. 21-23

2005-10-24T02:24:00.000-07:00

text from Booter:
One more day until operation: annihilate liver. oh, and snow and erin getting hitched happens sometime too

"And then I can do your thingy that you did to me." -Sean

"I've got about eight bottles of Grey Goose on my shelf at home." -Tom
"F--- you!" -Eric

Eric looking at quotes I'd saved:
"You even wrote down the time of day?!" -Eric
"Those are my flights." -me

"Oh Jeff, take my pants off. I want to straddle you and make your beaver my face." -Borden

"I went to public school." -Jeff
"And look where it got you." -me
"Married." -Sean

"My mind is in the gutter. I saw Moby Dick and I started laughing." -Sean
"On the children's menu?!" -me
later, after the girls had arrived
"Why are you laughing?" -Sean
"I just looked at the children's menu again." -me
"Oh, is there anything good on there?" -Ashley
nobody replies, but all the guys laugh

"People don't put nuts in soup." -Sean

"Oral exams are hard." -Ashley
"It's a lot of pressure!" -ESnow

"Aw, dude, it's that stuff that you can't eat!" -Sean about dessicants

"The dog likes it in the can, I know this." -Borden

Borden relays his voicemails:
"The dog looks like it's going to-"
"The dog just shit on the bathmat."
"The dog just shit on the carpet and I think it has diarrhea."
"What the hell have you been feeding the dog?"

"...'cause every time I bend over I get something poking me in the back." -Erin
"Write that down!" -Eric
"I said back, not butt!" -Erin

"Crowley, give her a Moby Dick right now." -Eric

"Ok guys, in two minutes we'll be going into the other room, and all the bars in there won't open until 8." -Tom addressing the room
"Ooooooooh." -Booter, clearly audible

"Something about women - southern girls just don't like having their anuses referred to as turd-cutters." -Borden

"I felt like a pregnant hooker in that dress." -Lauren
"I know, you looked like a pregnant hooker too." -Anne

"I play both sides. I give him ideas and you weapons." -me
"Thank you, f-ing Reagan." -Booter

"Yeah, but I didn't drink out of the coffee pot." -Snow
"You drank out of the coffee pot." -me
"Did I? F-." -Snow

"That's the kind of woman you can't piss on." -Borden

"There were those pyramid things that serve some sort of... function." -Ashley
"I'm pretty sure they're skylights." -Erin
"When you're drunk it looks like Egypt."

"C'mon, you don't look at Jeter and think, Muppet?" - August '05 to October '05

2005-10-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

"Have I mentioned that you're evil?" -me
"I'm not evil! I'm doing guerilla warfare for God!" -Diane

"The American way is a nice, paved path to hell in many ways." -Diane

kat: dan=evil
me: not news

texts from my sister:
"they moved the pep rally to the stadium. Bruce or jon is coming"
"Who are bruce and jon?" -me
"Bruce springsteen and bon jovi. Did you grow up in nj or what?"

"Are you insinuating that you want to have sex with our fire?" -Ryan
"I... am now." -Bhuan

Nick sticks a marshmallow in Lindsay's face:
"Gaaah! I would've bit it, and then you would've been sad." -Lindsay

"Man, I shouldn't have crossed another gorge of death." -Lindsay

"Ryan, don't... you make me all sweaty." -Lindsay

"Just stick your finger in there and pull something out and eat it." -Joe
"Heard that before." -Bhuan

talking about a "RoboRaptor" toy:
"I bet if you could go back in time a hundred years, you could sell that for like a billion dollars." -Ben

setting up tents:
"Ben, pole me." -Jeff
"What?" -Ben

talking about "alien-made" crop circles
"If you could fly through space, I don't think carving through rock would be so hard." -Ryan
"Maybe they don't have rock on their planet." -Lindsay

"We need like the reverse of an eclipse, when the sun comes out at night." -Ben

"No, I'm a tree-hugger, I'll save trees... I just don't want them around me, I'm a city girl." -Gina

"We were talking about sex for a while and then you started talking about Sam's Club." Kat

"We'll search hooker and see what comes up." -Kat

kat: I love running code and drinking simultaneously

talking about post-wedding-reception plans:
me: you can have sex whenever you want, but how often can you go to the Backer?
kat: point taken

"I wanna know where the bitterness comes from." -Diane's friend Eric
"The bitterness comes from having lots of people yell at me." -Diane

"It looks like a sub. You would put the meat and cheese through that axis."
and
"I myself didn't know that twenty minutes ago, but hey!" -Dr. Feron

kat: I feel all floaty
kat: cheers to beer

"Who would win in a fight, a cow or a cow's weight in chickens?" -Mark

kat: I think we all know I'm a bad influence
kat: and proud of it

"I was a very religious person who also loved to go to bars... so I felt really at home at Notre Dame." -Diane

"The downside of having friends pregnant third year is that they had been my Backer-buddies, and the Backer is not a pregnant-friendly location." -Diane

sean: look at you you big smoothie!
me: yeah, don Juan deCrowley

"I don't give it away for free, I charge money!" -Kat
"You know you just called yourself a hooker, yeah?" -me
"I know."

"You haven't heard my sound effects!" -Kat
"I've heard some of the sound effects." -me
"Nooooooo, you haven't heard the FUN ones!"

kat: and yet I didn't give up and become a lesbian
kat: so cheers to me

"Dude, this is state school territory." -Tony
"You know what that means!" -Prisbell
"Lesbians! Whooooooo!"

"Ryan, will you eat this?" -Lindsay
"You really want me to lick that off you?" -Ryan, who does so
"...oh, he's good." -Lindsay

setting cups rules:
"What are we playing to?" -Gina
"We're playing to retarded." -Lauren

pouring carbombs, Shuo has Guinness left over:
"Well, I don't want to waste all this..."
pauses, then pounds the rest.

"Do you want me to tie a bow?" -Gina
"No, I don't like bows." -Vanessa
"God doesn't like bows." -Marco
"Your mom doesn't like bows." -Gina
"My mom's almost like God. I like my mom." -Marco

"It's not size that matters. It's not! Well... sometimes. But not in intelligence!" -Gina

"Brock would make a good Blowfish." -Gina, after Vanessa thought Sean's nickname was "Hootie"

"Jesus and I are tight, f---er." -Ehren

"Vanessa, you shouldn't be undressing 'nando. His girlfriend is right downstairs." -me
"Oh, I'm sorry. Let's zip him back up." -Vanessa

"Is that a Zahm thing?" -Gina
"What?" -me
"The humping."

"And trust me, bullets are faster than monkeys." -Hernando

"We should get into a big pocket of urine." -Bhuan

"Are you stripping, Shuo?" -Murph
"Do you want me to?" -Shuo

"Don't make me come over there and pinch your nipples." -Bryan

kat: we're still engaging in cross-country-drinking
kat: or at least cross-mason-dixon-line-drinking
kat: damn rebel
me: dirty yankee

"I'm waving a little flag of awesomeness." -Kat

"We should go to a bar." -Ryan
"Spencer's still coming." -Ehren
"We did say pre-party at nine." -Ryan
"You can't say pre-party at nine to the ethnical." -Gina

"I think she's an alien and she has a baby growing in her forehead." -Mark on Reese Witherspoon

"Just go through and touch your own sections, or touch another person's sections if you want to..." -Rebecca

"I'm gonna use that... now, down here, or up there?" -Bryan
"Not down there! Definitely up there!" -Marco
and after I double-checked the quote:
"I could change my orientation, though." -Bryan

"I just have a question about an area of Atlanta, um... It's just east of Georgia Tech, it seems like there's a... It might be a heavily gay community... and I just wanted your opinion on it." -Adam

"Alright, you listen you jackass. I know you're on the other line. I know you're there, now pick up the friggin' phone, I'm calling you, alright? I'm calling you, why the hell aren't you picking up the goddamn phone? Friggin' son of a bitch. Oh, happy birthday!" -Snow's birthday voicemail to me

discussing the streetwalkers around Spencer's apt:
"Where are the straight prostitutes?" -Spam

"Pressure and friction? That's how you like it?" -Rebecca on aerodynamic drag

"If you don't like that, you can write down an argument with factorials... that nobody will bother reading." -Dr. Andrew

"I found one bad boy, I don't have to look for any others, right?" -Dr. Andrew

"Ok, let me put it this way: no." -Dr. Marchenkov

"Usually you sound like Dan. This time you sounded like Irish Dan... like from Ireland." -Kristin

considering growing his hair long:
"I'll look like a brunette Legolas." -Mike B.

"If you had a monkey, I'd run it over with my car. Then I'd cook it on a spit and eat it in front of you." -Ryan

"You have to learn how to twist the math to keep your logic correct and your mind intact." -Marchenkov on Quantum

from Snow:
(while looking at a dessert menu)
"Hey, Turkish Delight!" -Snow
"Hehehe... turkish delight. Is that dirty?" -Erin
"No."
"It sounds like it should be. Like Karma Sutra position #64: Turkish Delight."

"He's my latin lover. Well, he's not really latin." -Rebecca

"Will you play with me?" -Cindy

Text messages:

Sean:
Flagrant system error. power hour over. booter equals very disappointed. sorry brothers

Erin:
Have fun this weekend! Remember don't do anything that will get you un-invited to new years! hehe.

Snow:
Ps erin was really confused as to why you would eat a big red candle

Ronnie:
I taught for a week... I don't want to have a baby anymore!

Katie (before the USC game):
So this usc fan came in the airport bar and belch and i made fun of him and he got mad and left. it begins.

"Hey Frank Gehry! Like curvilinear forms much?" - Los Angeles, July 28 - August 1

2005-08-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

"Oh my god, this is gonna be a quote weekend, isn't it?" -Booter

"Ok, she's not bleeding. Well, calm her down and have her sit down." -Snow on the phone to Ashley after he'd been in LA and gotten five voicemails from his very drunk fiance and her friends

"Oh, yeah, my sister's bed used to do this all the time." -me while trying to fix Booter's bed when the slats fell out from under it

Talking about the upcoming Transformers live-action movie:
"Produced by Steven Spielberg."
"That's gonna be cool."
"...but directed by Michael Bay."
"Aw, shit's gonna blow up!"

"Thrust, thrust..." -Snow describing revue dancing

"Fifteen-year-old or forty-year-old?" -cups question
Snow & Matthias both pause to consider for over ten seconds

During some ill-conceived 1-on-1-on-1 cups at the end of the night:
"For the record! With my left hand! I got two!" -Booter
"So did I!" -Snow
"My cups are dancing." -me

"And then you rub it. Oh god that's awkward." -Sean

"I remember puking, I just don't know where." -Snow

"I'm gonna get out from between you two. It's like the reverse of a momma bear and her cub." -me stepping away from a full-cups challenge

"Dude, you spooged yourself." -Snow
"Screw you, my hands were wet." -me

"Crowley, I'm giving it to you!" -Booter
"It's not me you're giving it to." -me

"I just burped up vomit, but that just made me feel better." -Booter

About Caitlin Kennelly:
"You called her back, you propositioned her." -Snow
"I always proposition her." -Sean

"We could get Snow a prostitute... or we could get a bottle of wine to take home to Erin." -Brock

"Wine is, in truth, the only antidote to the bane of whiskey." -Thomas Jefferson, quoted on the wall of the store where we did wine tasting

"He more or less stalked her." -me
"Did he?" -Sean
"Well... more or less."

"Snow, you're giving me that look... that look that says Why did you bring Liz home again?" -Sean

"My water for the evening has most definitely been broken." -Brock

"How would you describe your sex life?" -Brock
"...vigorous?" -Snow

"I have no idea how this relates to you." -me to Dean
"Anal sex." -Dean

"I've been drunk every night this week except for Tuesday." -Sean

"I'm still homo... heterosexual." -Booter

"I smell Booter." -Jess

"I thought you said you got banned from Piccadilly." -Booter
"'Allo, mate! G'day! ...also Australia." -Brock

Describing why he trailed off mid-story:
"I got lost in the Journey, man..." -Snow

"Ow, that's hot!" -Jess after Dean bit her

"How could he have a clitoris? He's a boy." -Jess

"It's ok, as long as my ass is protected now. There were a lot of ass-grabbers over there." -Ronnie

"Yeah, she's married." -me
"What? What?" -Scott
"To Flounder."
"WHAT?!?"

Bartender rings bell, points at Booter: "DRINK!"

"Who's Jessica riding?" -Ronnie

"No! I don't masturbate. What?" -Jess

"Mmmm, my delicious specimens of cut penii." -Brock surveying his preparations for the beach cookout

"There's a difference between anus and vagina." -Christine, Brock's girlfriend

"Aaaaah! That hit my balls!" -Dean standing in the ocean

Sean shifts to reverse, removes the e-brake, turns around and starts applying gas without apparent effect.
"Is your car on, dude?" -Brock
Sean wordlessly shifts back to park, turns on the car, re-shifts and pulls out.

Glimpsing a scene selection option for Canal Chase:
"I thought that said anal chase." -Sean
"And they're RIGHT up the rectum!" -Snow

"I'm sorry, what did the boobs start doing?" -Sean
"They tittered." -Brock

Explaining why he couldn't open a bag of popcorn:
"It's covered in anthrax or something, it's ridiculous." -Sean

"You washed this, right Booter?" -Brock
(silence)
"That's f-ing disgusting."

"GAY! All of you, gay!" -Random girl to us, outside the last club of the night

"There was something else that I randomly felt tonight... oh, I'm a ridiculous person." -Booter

Listening to music performed by Brock's friend:
"What does he do this on?" -Snow
"Um... acid." -Brock

"You know, I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." -me
"Me too." -Dean
"I was just referencing Simpsons, but congratulations."

"That'd be such a great insult: f-ing herb!" -Dean

"Bitches ain't shit!" -Booter's rallying cry at the Three of Clubs

"Yeah, Dean definitely gave your headlight a good rogering." -me
"Makes me happy." -Brock

"I almost got in a fight with the Mobil guys." -Dean
"How?" -Brock
"Well, it started after I told them to fuck themselves."

Snow on the phone with Kennelly:
"Brock can't really talk right now, he's eating popcorn... and he just whipped it out."
"Well, that's good enough." -Kennelly

"He got fucked in such a satisfying way." -Dean

"There was more fucking in Lifeteam than in any other youth organization I've ever been in." -Dean
"Even Scouts?" -Sean

And during CatchPhrase:
"Snow is a what right now?" -Jess
"WANKER!" -Dean & Booter in stereo

"A woman does this to a man." -Jess
"Blowjob!" -Dean

"My ass is also known as..." -Jess
"Anal receptacle!" -Booter

"Oh my god, he's really licking!" -Snow

"No, I was sucking it off the carpet." -Dean

"I have to put it in my mouth... and chew on the ends." - March '05 to May '05

2005-05-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

"Joe, that's definitely not an Abortion." -Spencer

"You do realize that you have four inches that I don't have." -Kat to me

"Pardon me..." -Mikey's roommate Pat while taking off his pants during a beerpong game

"She scares me. I can't fight her. It'd be better fighting a black woman. Every ethinicity knows you can't fight a black woman... (later) There's a reason why you can't fight black women: it's because black women aren't afraid to mess with the face." -Quynh

"If I had a dog, even my dog could solve this problem, right? He'd see you could just switch these two equations..." -Dr. Andrew, linear algebra

(while Bhuan is flipping through a Playboy)
"I... ah..." -George
"What are you saying?" -Spencer
"Um... what..."
"What are you saying?"
"Ah... those are some big (expletive)."
and
"Takeshi, come here and get educated!" -Spencer
"Ahhhhh..." -Takeshi

"I like to make hippies mad." -Justin

"I puked in the Canterbury cathedral, on the floor, in front of one of the pope... things... whatever. But it was so late in the afternoon nobody thought I was drunk, they thought I had like food poisoning or whatever." -Rebecca

"That's why I said it's a scam." -random guy
"But not a dishonest scam!" -Dr. Andrew

"...and I say that with a full and unblemished record of heterosexuality." -Cindy

"She really does a good job of handling the stick." -me complimenting Alana's driving

"Do you like the balls? I got two." -Helen

"Dammit, we're primates?!?" -Ben B.

"First plague: bloooood." -Simone

"This is the chocolate of our affliction."
and
"Now we are here; next year may we be eating chocolate in the land of Israel. Now we are slaves to chocolate; next year may we have willpower."
-from Cindy's "Chocolate Seder" manual

"I think I still really like my mom, because I sleep in the fetal position." -Helen

"Awesome, I'm gonna stuff this in my pants!" -Gina

Snow's texts:
the important part is i now have a wookie
Please tell adelaide the poached eggs were delicious
We have a joe (censored) sighting in dc. Am i authorized to use excessive force?
All together now: natural family planning!

Sean's texts:
Nothing like teaching hung over after graduating...
Brock says he loves you. I say you're a whore. same difference. cscott says borrow your balls back and come to la. jack is just getting started baby!
Chaperoning a dance. mmm... statutory
Douglas
Wang
Dude, in Allfntown and am aloost drunk

Erin's texts:
Ps... wankers!
Hi crowley! we miss you! please move here. ps i am sober in case you were wondering!

(Wolf whistle) "Write that down!" -Rebecca

"I don't care about the team, I care about personal glory!" -Lindsay

"I think I have shit-colored eyes." -Rebecca

"Marcus likes to poke me." -Lindsay
"Would you like to rephrase that?" -me
"He likes to do that to me."
"Care to try again?"
"I didn't mean that, you... dirty Irish guy!"

"As you may have already ascertained, or figured out... I said ass." -VaCo lead singer

"Hey, we've got a hammer!"
(pounding commences)
-some guy outside the office

"In fact, I think we have a Romulan in sector seven there... I was a Star Trek nerd in eighth grade but I grew out of it by eleventh grade, ok?" -Kvam

"You all know my motto for graduate school, which was 'Why do one thing carefully when you can do three or four things half-assed?'" -Kvam

snow: crowley, you don't need a siege engine
me: need isn't the question

Talking about wedding gifts:
"I don't feel like I have to put in money just 'cause they're trying to save up. I mean, that's what friends and family are for." -Spam
"What do they need money for? They've got each other." -Ben

me: i won't have you belittling my culture
gina: no insult intended, wetback

"I'd rather have the two girls all over me than just watch the two girls!" -Cindy

"That's true, I don't really like (nationality)s. They're like the Annoyings of the Hispanics." -Gina

"Rough guys grab. Nice guys stroke." -Cindy

kat: apparently despite knowing various perverts you're still a pure soul

"When I said layman's terms, I didn't mean that lame." -Doc

"I apologize, I've got an immature mind." -me
"What, big tube of caulk? ...Jerk." -Gina

Updates - Start of the Year 'til St. Patrick's Day

2005-03-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

"Fantabulous time. The party at the Plaza was great. The company was great. The evenings were great. The drinking was probably too great but come on, it's New Years' and everyone needs a couple of bottles of wine per night, right?" -Snow's blog after New Years'

"This chapter will be important if you're taking more statistics after this. if you're not, it's kind of a pain-in-the-ass chapter... They'll censor that for the video students, they won't let that go out." -Kvam, probability prof.

"She said, I would appreciate it if you would not impugn my integrity, and I was like oooh, gonna have to look that up later. I'm not sure what it means, but I think it means to take a shit on." -Pat

"I'm gonna have to make this turn before I continue this story, 'cause I can't talk and think at the same time." -Kristine

"I think there's a typo... Nagative?" -Michael
"No, I'm trying to be southern! Hah do ya spayell nagative dahn heyah? ...I'm not sorry if I offended anyone, by the way." -Kvam

Sean: lol, we did it on a kitchen table

"Oooh, that's a little... almost Satanic, isn't it? But I always expected the markings of the beast would come somewhere in stochastic processes." -Kvam

I said: "You totally missed out on weather today."
Gina heard: "I totally sat on your mother today."

"I'm getting high." -Kristin K.
"You mean vocally?" -Gina
"Yeah, vocally."

"It's bad luck when I have two mistakes on consecutive slides. It means I was either sleeping or drinking when I was making those slides." -Kvam

"Oh, who's from Jersey now?!?" -Marco, after I finally put on a sweatshirt in the cold
"He is." -Ben B.
"That didn't work. The words in my head didn't match the words that were coming out of my mouth."
"What were the words in your head?" -me
"I forget."

"Look at this, look at the size of this and what I have to do to get it in my mouth! It's so big!" -Gina

"Man, why can't Connecticut be in the middle of nowhere?" -Spam
"Just go to China Lake, that's in the middle of nowhere." -Joe
"Yeah, but they don't have internet access."

"I'm gonna be like Ricky Henderson now and refer to myself in the third person: Paul taught the class well. Paul stole a base." -Kvam

"...so how many ways can we pair man-woman couples? And I put man-woman because some of you aren't from Georgia and don't understand state laws... am I risking getting censured by anybody here?" -Kvam

Snow: i just spent the evening at dinner with dick cheney and the former president of spain
Snow: ....and drank heavily

Kat: I figure I'd make a good assassin if I ever managed to rationalize killing people

"The vectors are sort of inbred, if you will." -Olds

Kat: spiked blood
Kat: mmm

"Yeah, type-II diabetes is for suckers." -Mark

"It's not about the rate of drinking, it's about the rate of f-ing drunken-ness!" -Bjorn

"I have to say, he wasn't up there as long but he swallowed it all, he swallowed it all!" -Rebecca

"F- you, piggy, you can't touch my balls!" -Matt

"This f-ing f----t-ass decides to f-ing tackle me while I've got f-ing wine in my hand, this f----t-ass-bitch!" -Matt

"Your sorry ass better be getting hammered off its ass, that's all I have to say about that. Happy St. Patrick's day, bro." -Snow

"A little heavy? This makes (guy I don't know)'s girlfriend look like a stick! Oooh, fat flower girl!" -Tara

"Hey, ships!" - New Years 04-05

2005-01-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

"I don't want to sit down! I'm better standing!" -Erin

"Well, I had bloomers, but they ripped." - Sean

What Erin asked me - "I want a cookie, do you want a cookie?"
What Snow thought she asked me - "I want a quickie, do you want a quickie?"

"These are made with peanut butter, so you can't make out with Booter." -Erin to Snow

"I'm a little concerned about anything involving the phrase 'master plan.'" -me
"At least it's not 'masturbate.'" -Snow
"That was so easy you shouldn't have gone for it... just like masturbating." -Sean

"I just had two bad hair days in a row so I was kinda worried about it, but I think it'll be ok." -Sean

"Did you just proposition me?" -Snow
"No, your fiance." -Sean

"You cocktease!" -Snow
"Hey, you had your chance." -Sean

"I had my head in the duck's ass!" -Erin

Sean picks up pliers, turns to Snow:
"Where's your nipples?"

"Huff the magic dragon?" -me
"Lives far away!" -Erin
"'by the sea,' honey!" -Snow

"If I had the munchies, I'd eat Piglet before I'd eat Pooh." -Erin

"It wasn't the first Buffy trip, it just turned into that." -Sean
"It's retrospective, it's like the First Battle of Bull Run." -me

Introducing "Cleveland Rocks" on the power hour CD:
"This is for Crowley. It's in honor of... Caiti K." -Sean
"Dammit! I thought this was Kiss!" -me

"I can't handle this, let's go to where they play Bon Jovi!" -Ashley

"I like this high-table thing." -Erin
"I feel endowed." -Sean

"Oh my god, my ass is sore for some reason." -Erin

"Ewww, you taste bad!" -Erin

"I'm so glad that was enough to cover my tongue and give me the sweet taste of champagne!" -Ashley

"Don't play with my belly, I have to go potty." -Erin

"I remember a lot of... action going on around here." -Sean
"Oh boy." -Ashley

"Are your boobs squishier?" -Sean
(feels) "Yeah." -Erin

"You should probably elaborate on 'those two things you showed me.'" -Erin
"Dammit, I just put them away." -Me

"I swear some of the church wine is sherry. When I get it I feel like I want to boot." -Sean
"Do not vomit the blood of Christ!" -Snow

"That was the night I learned what a catheter is." -Sean

"There's all this warm air in between my legs! It's really hot!" -Erin

"I can't molest you, scoot over!" -Erin

"Yeah, I'm a spooner... except with Crowley." -Sean

"You killed Booter!" -Snow
"I know CPR!" -Ashley
"No, no more CPR! You did that last night." -Snow
"You cannot resuscitate my balls." -Sean

"She's a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll..." -Snow singing
"What's that from?" -Sean
"The Osmonds." -me
"I don't watch the Osbournes." -Sean

"Cathode ray tube!" -Sean
"Dork." -Ashley

"He shaved his head down to the skin. He looks like he's going to mug and rape people. But he doesn't, he's really nice." -Courtney

"Yeah, but Booter doesn't smell, and he's looking very sexy in my pants." -Erin

"Ashley just weebled and wobbled but she didn't fall down." -Erin

"'Halloweener'? That's great." -Sean
"Haha, 'weener.' ...Haha, 'poopsmith.'" -Erin

"Ok, there was a room that used to be a chapel..." -Sean
"Did people hook up in there?" -Erin
"...I did."

"Alright, I was gonna be nice but for the rest of the night you're my bitch." -Snow
"I'm your BI-atch." -Sean

"Maybe you should shower last. Or is today going to be one of your multiple-poo days?" -Snow
"Oh, burn in hell." -Snow when he saw me writing down the multiple-poo comment.

"Who wants a sandwich?" -Ashley
"I'll have raw meat." -Sean

"I was taking a drink and playing poker." -Ashley
"Did you bet your pants and raise your top?" -Sean

"Squeeze, no... If you close it and then squeeze it won't..." -Sean
"I didn't shake it!" -Ashley

"Oh, I get to sleep in the pooh sheets!" -Ash

"He secretes peanut oil, be careful." -Erin
"Did you just say he secretes penis oil?" -Ashley

"I'm gonna fart in a minute... ok, I did." -Erin

"Dude, don't disturb my slumber, it stinks like ass out there!" -Sean
"You'd better hope I don't fart again!" -Erin

"Say what?" -Snow
"Your mother?" -Sean
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Motherfucker." -Erin

And finally... the Pictionary-related material:

"You didn't get 'Bible!'" -me
"I know, I'm a baaaaad Lutheran." -Ashley

"Pedophilia with a glove!" -the closest we came to guessing "Michael Jackson"

"Dude, why does Texas look like a ballsack?" -Snow

"Titanic!" -Snow
"Women & children first!" -me
"No children!" -Ashley
"Women!" -Snow
"Men!" -Erin
"SEAMEN!" -Ashley
(nobody stops laughing before time runs out)

"...because I was thinking penis, penis, penis, CHAINSAW!" -Snow

In The Meantime

2005-01-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

Just to keep everybody up to date, all the random quotes between the BC game and New Years should probably be available too:

"I don't even drink and I'm gonna go get drunk now!" -Doc

"You don't change the horseman in the middle of the Apocalypse." -Zodda's away message the day after the presidential election

"Potatoes for dinner again. I would've done well during the Famine." -entry in Kat's blog

"Ah, you were not paying attention, and the Eye of Sauron sees all." -Doc

"So what do the people say? ...no, Hernando, we're not going to kill her." -Doc

"My balls aren't that sweaty." -Spam

"If you don't pee on your hands, and your penis isn't that dirty to start with, I don't see why you have to wash your hands." -Mark

"However, the Klingons wiped themselves out with a self-inflicted venereal disease, thereby removing the urgency for UFP starships." -A line from the IPPD second exam

Snow & Erin kissing, Erin starts laughing.
"What?" -Snow
"Sorry, I was reliving Gilmore Girls in my head." -Erin

in an IM to Snow
DrC: for some reason, i'm wishing i still had senior bar available to me
DrC: and since I don't have any killian's to hoist to senior year, i just cracked open a guinness for last year
DrC: to hell with midnight, class tomorrow, and potential alcoholism... here's to senior bar.

"You know Dan, when you get drunk you don't change very much, but you get very red... kind of like you're Asian." -Rebecca

"Seriously, are we talking about genitals here? I mean, are we?" -Spam asking how "low-hanging fruit" could be taken out of context

"This is an interactive class, ok? I can see myself on PBS." -Doc

"My ass is so hot! Feel that shit! Right there!" -Rebecca

"Ow! That was my hip, you bastard. At least ask!" -Ryan

"There is way too much man-love in this kitchen." -Jeff M.

"Pi is sort of a made-up number..." -Rebecca
(Gasp!) -Doc

"Is there anybody here who can still control his bladder?" -Doc

"When (something or other) happens, the constraint line shits to the left..." -In Rebecca's Sizing & Synth report

BC Weekend

2004-10-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

"I was the party favor, he's playing pinata with my scrotum." -Borden

"Here's my story on how I first found out Andy has intestinal problems." -Rachel, Borden's girlfriend

"Booter knows Matt Damon in the Biblical sense?" -Snow's dad
"Brock must be so jealous." -Snow's mom

"It looks like a big American wang." -Sean

"I was still on the teabag-my-balls." -Erin

"Avoid Hell Repellent. Go To Heaven." -how I read a billboard that read "Avoid Hell. Repent." etc

"I don't want the cheesy walking-around-with-penis-stirrers-in-my-drink bachelorette party." -Erin

"Shrinkage!" -Snow's mom

"For every three law students that graduate, one person dies." -Prof. Gunn, ND Law

"Apparently efficacy means sparkling up my nose." -Snow

"Erin, are you ok?" -Snow
"I fell down!" -Erin
"I know, are you ok?"
"I'm drunk!"

"That's the reason he proposed tonight: I wore my pushup bra." -Erin

"Stupid cab. Hate them forever. Revenge and murder for everyone. Time to put on some underwear." -Snow

"F--- you, Snow. Just cause you don't have hair doesn't mean other people do." -Sean

"Who are you talking to?" -me during the BC game
"My sausage." -Sean

"You're my fiance, not my friend." -Snow to Erin

"When your liver fails, your pee goes cold." -Borden

Backlogged Files (Pre-BC Game 2004)

2004-10-25T21:31:00.001-07:00

The topmost are the most recent.

"A systems engineer really has to be a cross-dresser... or a bisexual." -Dr. Wilhyte
"Is it too late to withdraw?" -Huntsville student

"I'd like a show of hands: how many people have never taken aircraft design before? Yes, you're screwed." -Dr. Mavris

Nat: oh, and the cadavers are awesome!
Nat: the other day i had my fingers down inside of our guy's scrotum
Nat: that's just not something you see everyday
Nat: and honestly, it's kind of fun cutting through things

"That's what every geek wants, right? Sweet lovin'?" -Spam

"This is not comic relief, what the hell are you doing?" -Dr. Mavris

"Expect a lot of work... a lot of pain... a lot of satisfaction if you're into pain... and have a good time." -Pat Biltgen, describing grad school

"I have to remember to take this money out of my pants before I fall asleep with it there." -Gina

"You already missed the thong portion." -AniMal
"Dammit!" -BL, the night Victoria's Secret televised a fashion show

"Did you see that, Bonnie?" -Vnak
"That was definitely a thong." -BL

"Have you seen my bouncing penis? C'mon, I want to show it to you!" -E2

"Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone." -Doug, Cocktail

"There's pushing the envelope - and then there's ripping it open, crushing it into a tiny ball, and setting it on fire." -promo for Six Flag's "Power" roller coaster

"You know how you always see those porn shots and it's one girl on the other girl and they're both naked? We're not naked." -Liz

"It's about the interaction between electrons and stuff." -E2 defining physical chemistry

"I promise not to say you've had Sex With Zito..." -Kat

Kat: not a wimp, just better than you

"I suck at this girly shit!" -E2
"What girly shit?" -me
"You know, talking about feelings and crap."

"What are you guys doing?" -girl mechanical
"We're designing a trip to Mars." -Bridget
"M-A-R-S, -Mars-, bitches!" -Bill
"Nutsack!" -Rachel
-some of the aero juniors in nieuwland working on orbital

"We must do it all in one swell foop." -Howland

"No, it's supposed to be like enh, enh, enh, like you're hitting a wet fish with a napkin... I was trying to say hitting a small child with a wet fish." -Sean

"Does f---ing out of your mouth come hard to you?" -Erin

"No, seriously, check out this dress! Be less heterosexual in this." -Sean

"Dude, how big was Brock's penis?" -Sean
"What?" -Snow

"We were also interested in ball-droppage, too."
and "My gynecologist can tell you, I was a virgin, I never took part in it, but I took good notes." -Erin's friend Laura discussing a survey she made in high school

"I've gotta go pad my ass." -Snow

"You're not an outsider at the couples party. You're pretty." -Laura to Sean
"You're fierce." -Laura to me, after I laughed.

"Snow, can you give me a little delicious love?" -Sean
"Here's to your deliciousness." -Snow

"Monsieur, nonetheless, is (that?) you enjoy life when it is thrust upon you. You are a thoughtful and physical young man. Able of unknown ablities clear to all who know you. A remarkable and tasty young man. Pay attention to (?) OPPORTUNITIES." -the note Laura wrote to Sean during Snow's surprise birthday party.

E2: mmmmmmm
E2: beeeer
E2: gooood

"Your gay ass is mine! ...in a totally straight way." -Mothball to Jeeves

"It's not so much I want to hit you. I just want to set you on fire." -Sean to Snow

"happy jesus not-so-dead day!" -Green's closing IM on Easter Sunday

"Can you feel my butt jiggle when I do this?" -E2

"You've got me drunk enough, but not mad enough." -Kat

"You know that Google saves all your searches, right?" -me
"I know, that's why I don't use Google when I look up all my porn." -E2

"Brita-water's so great." -Cobb
"Like manna from heaven." -Green
"Like booze from water." -Cobb
"...I like his better." -me
"What'd I just say?" -Cobb

"This is cashmere, you bastard!" -Snow

"Snow, we're two guys sitting in a room, watching Moulin Rouge and drinking red wine at 3am. How gay is this?" -Sean

Kat: yeah, fun with phallic objects

"I was trying to have a thought, but then... I failed." -E2

"Abstinence is... no meat." -Deacon Dan

"There's a lot of -other- rules about boyfriends and girlfriends, but there's nothing about killing." -Keenan Rector's homily

"I was the role model. It's really weird to see him using my mannerisms now." -me
"Oh, my brother did that too. That's why he's gay now." -Quynh

"I don't know why I love that joke so much." -me
"You like it because it involves ducks on fire." -Sean

"People think I'm... what's the word? A bimbo? No, that's not it. A ditz! That's it." -Steph
"I don't think you're a ditz." -me
"Maybe you're delusional."

"I'm just addicted. You are my crack." -E2

"Put it back, put your fake penis back!" -Erin

"It's kind of like Claire having an orgasm and Erin saying "You do it the same way I do!" -Sean

"Ok, I am so much gayer than you are." -Snow

"Did you poke a hole in your pants? Please don't put my eye out." -Claire

"Could you not dance on my penis?" -Sean

"When I think my wang is gonna get penetrated by a goddam spike?" -Sean

"He wants to lie in Hillary's bed naked, but I said no." -E1

"I didn't puke!" -Sean
"You punched a tree and a window and molested several people." -Snow
"But they enjoyed it!"

"...so I was sitting in the front seat trying to not let the cab driver molest me." -Erin
"Don't worry, I molested him for you." -Sean

"Somehow I got the idea that the more I threw up, the better I'd feel." -Snow

"We tried to get you to bed, but every time we tried to move you you said, "No, I'm not done yet!" and you'd pull your trigger again." -E1

"His hair is eating my ass." -Claire

"My boobs were definitely on your back, cause your back is sparkly now." -?

"When have you ever seen a spiritual dildo?" -Sean

"We don't get lube!" -Erin

"So that's why I tried to get cock out of you." -Erin

"He calls you it sometimes..." -Erin during charades
"Cock-o-rama?" -Sean
"A Cock Called Wanda?" -Claire

What I actually said: "To which you reply, 'Nope.'"
How Erin heard it: "She tortured a blind gnome."

"I'm bigger than you in every sense of the word." -me to Snow
E1 snorts.
"Ok, bigger in every way I know of."

"So you're telling me you hooked up with somebody and got syphillis BEFORE New Year's?" -E2

"I'll stay chaste for you, Dan." -Green

"You never hear about the good effects of cocaine... it makes you smarter!" -Sean

"Why don't I get a high five? I'm the one who put butt sex in there!" -Stitch

"You're not drunk, you just said 'quibble'." -Stitch

"Do you not want me to tell you who I slept with tomorrow?" -Quynh to her boyfriend

"All five of us against the nun!" -Quynh

"There are so many cool positions!" -E2

"Oh god, you're going after my dad's semen!" -Mothball

"Maybe it's my puke that scares people." -Bonnie Leigh

"OK, show of hands: who likes Thomas Kincade? ...Get out."
"Obsessed is a good word. Bacon was more or less a crazy son of a bitch."
-Rhett Poche, the grad student teaching Drawing I

"Oh, they cleaned it up... No way! I know these guys. I live with these guys. They wouldn't clean up vomit!" -Stitch

"Bam! Flutter! Bam! Flutter! Bam! Flutter!" -Erin describing dribbling a chicken

"Dan... are our lights on?" -Animal
"Uh..."
[click]
"Yeah, why do you ask?" -me, while driving back from 'Ritas

"There's so much Quynh to go around, it's not even funny." -Quynh

"See? There's Mars." -Stitch
"Where?" -Mothball
"The dot."
"I don't see it."
"The only dot in the f---ing sky."
"...Oh."

"Trust me, I would not voluntarily have something up my ass."
and "Oh! What just went up my butt?" -Erin

"They should have a Bun-Bicycle-Ride, too." -Stitch

"Have you thought I looked like a serial killer before?"
"This is entirely too much hesitation." -Me
"Well, not a SERIAL killer..." -E2

"Maybe if you shaved, you wouldn't look like somebody who cuts people up. You know, cause they always look all rugged." -E2

"Maybe all the Pharisees were vampires." -Snow
"That would explain a lot." -Sean

"Stitch! Where are you? Let me pleasure you, you skanky bitch!" -Ryan Brallier in a skirt and well-padded bra

"The fact is, as some wise engineer once said, 'Who gives a damn?'" -Dr. Howland

"...maybe you wish you were a fourteen-year-old girl?" -Paul, Wood Sculpture prof., as part of a critique (not one of mine)

"Even if I wake up in the middle of the night and it's 3am and I want some?" -E2

"Two hours, twenty-four dollars... mopeds." -Andrew O'Connor
"We're gonna pick up ALL the bitches." -Ryan Flanigan (Spring Break)

"This is why I should give up alcohol forever... because I'm a loose, loose whore." -Stitch

"So what you're saying is, you've never tasted semen?" -Snow
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." -Sean

"I know your serious voice, you ass!" -Sean

"I put my umbrella in her butt, and she freaked out." -Sean

"No, I think mascara is the stuff that goes on eyelashes." -Sean
"Yeah, I have that on too." -Brock

"When we are young, bedtime is a punishment. When we are older, bedtime is a reward." -Veronica

"She's like the Danielle Steele of cow-raping." -Stitch on Toni Morrison

"FIVE STRANGERS! Picked to live in a dorm room, to see what happens when people stop being polite, and START BEING SURREAL!" -Stitch, while wearing a "Happy Hat" made of a bent coat-hanger wrapped around his face

"But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!" -Dorothy Parker (from Emily)

"Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. Oh yeah, and Mike Kinder is gay." -Wendeln's away message

"You come in thinking you get to shape all these young minds... and then you look out and see all the blank faces and say, 'My God, I've wasted my life!'" -Prof. Eric Jumper (from Kish)

"I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man." -Mikey's away message (from Family Guy)

"It was Liz's birthday. She didn't want to hook up by herself, so I had to help out." -E2

"I have bad memories of being shoved into armpits." -E2

"I like saying that word, mousse. It's a fun word to say..........mousse." -Chris

"No, like your ass would start to hurt. From all the rubbing around and sitting on it." -E2

"Oh, wait, let me show you something, and then I'll put on some pants." -Sean

"What founding father was knocked unconscious while trying to electrocute a turkey?" -Trivial Pursuit

"They basically did two girls everytime we scored." -Kristine

"I'm not even... I... What was I talking about?" -Jumper

"I'm a very selective whore." -Quynh

"I could go as I am and show up on time, or I could FIND my pants..." -Kristine

"I mean ideally, the reason you have a split wing is to shoot lasers out of it..." -Sean

"What does Dudley do? He does right." -Prof. McLaren

"That works." -E2
"What?" -me
"My butt. It works to put my keys in." -E2
To Kelly: "She said she uses her butt to put her keys in." -me
To E2: "So that's what's always up your ass." -Kelly

"ok, si'm home from heartlanm gin a houst out to efgsard ally two, rlrcytiv voolsyrsdofr yrdy/ smoyjrt goof omnr." -Sean's away message, put up at 5:30am

"This is a Catholic school, it is perfectly legitimate to go to Hell." -Prof. Jumper

"What's the worst thing that could happen? I could yell at you and tell you you're stupid." -Jumper

"Does anyone else think that he kind of looks like Hitler?" -Dave Murray about Jumper

"TWO Uncle Brocks!" -Brock's four-year-old cousin Alex, upon seeing Brock standing next to Bielecki

"I was like hyperactive Brock, but in a good way!" -Brock

"Dude, so i got to see a half-naked Snow and a half-naked Bielecki all in the same day!" -K

"I'm still waiting to be dominated." -K

"So is everybody coming to the backer tonight?" -K
"I am." -me
"F---." -K

"Now I'm paranoid about my clothes falling off me." -E2

"Am I wearing... yes, I'm wearing all my clothes." -Steph

"I bounced, and it popped out!" -Kristine

"Well, they hide it down there and it's a surprise when you get to the bottom and you're like, 'Ooh, it's a special treat!'" -Kristine

"These are the best, cause then you get a chocolate surprise all the way down." -Kristine

"She's awesome. She does have a lot of sex though." -Katie Mc

"I'm not a slut. I'm not, it's just good, decent fun." -Anon.

"I could be hard-to-get." -Anon
"Clay." -me
[she flips me off]

"Can you call for pizza after you're done? Cause I'm afraid to talk." -Kristine

"I'm alright, I'm just an asshole." -Sean to Krissy, after disappearing at Rally and not coming home for 12 hours.

"FDR, huh?" -Snow
"Polio. Who knew?" -Sean

"Jesus Christ, everyone's in here. I'm gonna put on pants." -Sean

"Is it dark enough to do Stitch?" -Sean

"I don't know, my hands just went there." -Kristine

"Kristine? Are you a man?" -Brock

"...cause I volunteer to do weird things if you talk to me online when it's 2am and I'm bored." -Kristine

"I'll do you one at a time." -Kristine

"This is like somebody puked up cotton candy into my water." -E2

"Your balls just kissed." -Steph

"I hate holes like this, cause there's a little hole and it doesn't narrow and lead you into the little hole so i usually just whack it off the side of the building for a while..." -Kristine on the inner course

"This is me being the Fourth of July Nazi." -Kristine

"What makes bodies in motion stay in motion?" -Gatorade commercial
"Inertia!" -Scott
"What makes what goes up, stay up?"
"Inertia!"
"What makes what goes down, get back up again?"
"Gatorade!"

"We're going to Rally in the f---ing don't grab my ass!" -Sean

"...and the mathematician goes and has a beer or whatever it is that mathematicians drink..." -Prof Howland

"You're not fulfilling my needs." -me
"Maybe if you come over I could." -Kristine

"If these things aren't designed very well, they're pretty much self-propelled bombs, right?" -Prof Goodwine

"It's been at least three hours now that I haven't been having sex." -Steph

"...and I don't want to go to this party with holes in my butt." -K

"She vomited, I vomited, and I think we made out." -Sean

"Shit, now I have to change my pants." -Sean

"I'm not very good at being a player." -K

"...so now I have a desk drawer full of colorful penises." -Quymh

"Ahhh! Snow, what time is it?" -Sean
"It's 8." -Snow
"Is that AM or PM?"
"PM"
"Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?"
"Sweet Jesus, Booter, it's Tuesday."
"Whew. Ok. Good."

"There isn't really another profession with this much responsibility. Doctors, maybe, but they can only kill one person at a time." -Prof Goodwine

"Does Dan lie to you? Dan lies to me all the time and I never know" -Quynh
"Dan lies to everybody." -Kristine

"What is there to grasp? He's a photographer, it's one of his favorite pics that he's taken, so he has it on his fridge" -Lisa
"It's his porn-star friend in furry handcuffs" -me
"It's like the grown up version of putting your drawings and papers on the fridge when you're a kid" -her
"Except she's naked" -me

"I don't smell like Nate anymore, I took a shower." -Anon.

"And I'm not diabetic, I'm just really hungry." -Annie

"...but I have this habit of dancing in the cage..." -Quynh

"It's horrible, they want me to have a man so badly, more than I do." -Marissa about her parents

"No, it scares me that my dad is giving me soft porn." -Steph

"Last night she grabbed my breast!" -Jen

"Pizza is good, Killian's is good (especially on a Friday), and God is good." -Prof. Murphy, theology

"I mean for real, for the first time in my life i almost pissed all over myself." -quynh

"They look like they belong to Spiderman." -Kristine

"I can... no, I can't be Asian." -Kristine

"I did it! Dan! Dan! I cut it with the fork!" -Kristine

"I could be a European spy." -Kristine

"I forgot your name already, Dan" -Kristine

"If that turns purple, it's your ass." -Andy to Walter

"...and the next morning, I showed him what I did to his cats." -Marissa

"My pants are very sticky." -Marissa

"I'd rather be known for vomiting than that..." -Sean

"I'm the best straight person ever." -Steph

"What is a good rogering?" -K

"OK, it's not a porn picture... she's just a PORN STAR. and what's wrong with penises?" -Lisa

"He likes to kill cats." -Kristine
"I know." -Marissa

"One rule: NO MORE!" -Noonan

"Here's to you
And here's to me.
Here's to the friends we'll always be.
And if by chance we disagree,
F-- you all! and here's to me!"
-from Green, her toast at the Goat In Boots

"I'm not a lesbian, and i don't do the incest thing." -emily

"I really haven't been drinking, I just walked into the pole" -Steph

"That was just reality, we don't need to bother with that." -Adrian Goldsworthy, Roman history prof.

"Oh no... THAT'S what a rimjob is?"
"My day is so much worse now that I found out what a rimjob is... I thought it was something to do with basketball." -Jon McCrea

"I should have lifted up my skirt" -emily

"You're making me hungry... No, it's just I can't eat between meals for Lent, and the whole meat thing; even if you were talking about... you. made me hungry. Sorry." -Marissa

"I am food. Eat me." -Kathi Jo

"OK, you're in, you're in, you're in, me in? ....Ha ha, you're all pee." -Me

"Why do all the guys know what fellatio is?" -Kathi Jo

"well, i wish i could say i was your first" -Marissa

"Guys, I wanna tell you... I'm a bright egg." -Trisha

"Moment of laughter for salmon and creme cheese... ok." -Sean

"Because I don't like wearing clothes" -Trisha

"Yeah, so I accidentally... well, it wasn't really an accident. My bite record is getting a lot worse... I used to be able to say I had only bitten two people, but 3's not very bad." -Marissa

"I did bite him, and he still wanted to go to church with us!" -M

"He liked it, tho." -M
"What, the biting or the church?" -Kristine
"Well, both." -M

"If your hair wasn't connected to your head, it'd probably fly off, right?" -Joe Yanof

"You didn't submit last 4 homeworks. Why? Not doing homework will reduce your final grade significantly." -Stanislav

"I'm above the need for a penis. I know I'm a man." -Katie F.

"Ah! Ah! No! No! Evil! Evil! Ah!" -Veronica

"Yeah, I ripped off some of my fingers, so I had some reconstruction
to do." -steve in foundry

"OK, weirdo. I bought gorilla slippers." -Liz

"You called me an Ewok, you bastard" -Eddie

"You're a wimp" -me
"I have a right to be, I'm from Texas." -katie f

"I was naked in Lafun... again." -Sean

"Hi Dan. Why are you so scary?" -Marissa

"You looked like a dragon." -Kristine

"Did he tell you the bad news? That I bit him?" -Marissa

"You know, it's not easy selling your body for crack." -Chris Lynch
"You get used to it." -Kim

"Preheat Kim's head! Preheat Kim's head! I'll cook like a deer!"
-Vicky

"What I have here is a bucket full of house flies." -Aero video

"When you careen, careen uphill." -Mandie

"I've never come up behind you and shot you in the back of the head before. It's fun." -Chris

"mmmmmm.... antisocialicious..." -Ejoyce

"Too tough to die, too fast for love, and we can't drive 55. These are the three maxims of the Hellfire Club." -Noonan

"What, do you think the Soviet Union's like bell-bottom pants, that it's a fad that's going to come back?" -Andrew Dawson

"Kristine convinced me that puking was better." -Jon Doty

"Hi, I'm Tessa. Are you drunk?" -Tessa at Colleen's bday party

"You wet my pants!" -Liz

"We are not delicate flowers. We are spawns of satan." -Quynh

"Oh s**t, it's on fire" -Sean

"He's NOT CHRIST!" -Nate
"The Hell I'm not!" -Scruff

"If I was Irish, I'd like kill everybody." -Quynh

"Um, it's just random people who call and want to talk about sex." -Quynh

"Oh, he's like naked, where's he going?" -Quynh

"This is why they don't give lasers to French majors" -Marissa

"lots o'ladies, not enough alkyhol, and an obnoxious, drunken rock band in the basement. I don't think I'm going to wear pants." -Tyler

"I'm a bi-sectional thespian." -Tiana

"What am I talking about?"
"God doesn't go around throwing brickbath at people; people throw brickbats at themselves."
"If you don't believe me, try it out on your roommate. Steal some of his stuff."
-Fr. Matt

"Bite him. Bite him and shake your head like a dog with a bone." -Self Defense class video advice

"If we prevent even one baby from swelling up like a bloated toad, it's worth it." -Luke (explaining why the juggling club accepts donations for the Ara Parseghian Foundation)

"Einstein tried it; and look where it got him! He's dead! Dead! Einstein's dead! billy pilgrim... listen not to him." - Sloan

"You guys all have cooties. No, you do. You're all weird. Give me back my toys and go home." -K.C. Harrison

"!Esta' tirando los sesos!" -Enrique Joyce

"Gee, I'm the only one here not wearing pants!" -Me, in germany

"You know what i wouldn't want to eat? Carpet. No, just think about it, it's all stringy and dry..." - Dave Kieley

"Nobody can get depressed like a Russian." - Mr. John Sanfacon

One Individual's File

2004-10-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, one friend of mine has so few filters in place between her thoughts and her speech that after sophomore year I decided to create a separate file just for quotes from her. I added other quotes from a related group of people, but they're mostly from the one person. Since I don't know if she wants these up here, I'll leave her name off her quotes; anything not attributed to someone else is her work.

"I'll have to moon you sometime."

"You're a gentle giant... I need another shot."

"I can't fit it all in my mouth"

"I've got some serious head action."

"I love porn music."

"I like sheep. Not to have sex with, but to pet them and stuff."

"You are like the horniest girl I've ever known, either i have incredible self-control or you are just really horny." -katie f to her

"It's not like i'd get some kind of horny pleasure out of it."

"Now i'm swinging my underwear over my head."

"Maybe, but i like poop better"

"If i had porn in my drawer, you'd be sorry."

"Who needs women when you have fish?"

"You know how Sean likes to hump people's backs? I like to hump fish."

"Katie, make him cuddle with the fish."

"I was drunk so I couldn't feel my boobs."

"If you're ever lonely and your ass feels lonely, just come over and I'll give it a grab."

"You have feet hair?" -me
"Just a little bit, but it's pretty long." -her

"It's like you're milking a cow, but ketchup comes out."

"When you're milking a cow, it's like you're pulling on the cow's boobs."

"My boobs flop less than your boobs when I run."
"That's cause your boobs are smaller than mine." -Irish Kat

"I was like, It's mini-Dan! Awww!"

"OK, weirdo. I bought gorilla slippers."

"Why is it so great to have sex like a monkey?"

"Like if you feel it, you're like 'that's not a boob'"

"Except if you had Velcro... but that doesn't have much to do with saggy boobs."

"It just draws them in, like moths to a BugZapper."

"I mean, who wants to have sex with a dead guy? Not even me."

"I have feet juice."

"Your beer breath is worse now" -her
"That's cause i drank more beer" -Pat

"katie, do you think i'm really good at pelvic thrusts?"

"katie and i have to get naked. get out"

"pat, come pee with me"

"no, it's ok, i went in the toilet"

"i thought you were lifting your leg to pee" -pat

"It would be fun to have a penis"

"What does peeing your pants have to do with my perky oranges?"

"Ass-raping involves your butt!" -Sean

"I guess guys can only get raped in the butt. I didn't know that"

"I love crap."

"I wasn't talking about that kind of head!"

"Sex with a corndog!" -Pat
"I hate you" -her

"peter humped him and I tried to tickle him to get him to stop and I found out that peter is stronger than me..." -Renee

"we have cat fights all the time"

"are you sexually excited?" -her
"no, but thanks for asking" -me

"I'm not going to beat her with her own fish, that'd be cruel" -ktf

"peter, will you purr for me? i wanna hear it."

"Dan, when you took off your pants, did you have to unbutton them or were they like windpants where you just (wssssh)?"

"Dan, if you unzip your pants, would they just fall down? Cause mine sure wouldn't."

", did it hurt?" -assorted
"No, it went gently into my crotch." -her (while playing racquetball)

"But... I... it was... I'm talking about ice cream, not sex!"

"It's not my urine!" -sean

"On the other hand, naked isn't always bad." -Nat

"That'd be like having a hose in your pants!"

"You guys are messed up. You don't have to get naked to do that."

"Then you could sit down in a bowl of water when you're done!" -Nat

"I'm not making out with you."

"You make a funny atom." -Nat

"It's also possible for it to sublime, to go from solid directly to gas, but I don't think your butt would do that." -Nat

"Did you know there's a really gross sexual term called shrimp-boating?"

"Hey, when is the next time you run naked?"

"We're waiting for you Dan. Where are your pants?"

"I'm good in an elevator" -Nat
"I'm damn good in an elevator" -ktf

"I look more like a man than I do like a bird..." -Nat

"This is fun, we're getting drugs" -Nat

"I am not a dirty person"

"Watch out, I might hit it with my butt."

"Feel my bra! Feel it!"

"Logic is a pain in the ass." -KTO

"I'm a girl, i don't have to be logical." -Nat

"I am not sacrificing my jugular for you to bite and kill me" -KTO

"Maybe they just have sex in their invisible boxes" -Ktf

"What else is a wall good for?" -Nat

"Getting my mack on..." -Nat

"i fell over too much" -Nat

"i don't know, i don't sleep with her" -Nat

"there are four of me. no, i'm natalie. i don't know their names. you have to ask them. i'm schizo." -Nat

"it made sense in my own little mind" -Nat

"I learned I don't enjoy girls' breasts."

"I was like, 'Obviously I'm not going to get to see any cock,' so I left."

"Then you drink their nectar, their sweet sweet nectar" -Nat

"I'm very full of it."

"No, they don't play with it down there usually." -Nat

"I just realized there are four walls in an elevator..." -Nat

"She's been making full use of walls for quite some time" -KtF

"Thanks, i needed to get hit with a finger in the forehead." -me
"...that's not a finger" -Ktf

"Thousands of dollars of computer equipment and sugar do not go well together" -KTO

"I didn't grope you!" -KTO

"You can't grope a guy! ...at least, not up top." -KTO

"What do you have in your pocket to play with today?" -Nat

"I wish all my problems came with adhesive backing" -me

"I'm also known as Hoochie Renee." -Renee

"So what's different about toys and management?" -katief

her: actually, my lab professor called me a lesbian today

her: i wasn't a lesbian, moron
her: just a feminist

"When in doubt, say you have herpes." -Sean

"I guess they only call it that in porno movies"

"His bed is plenty comfy, trust me" -Nat

"I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, not being dirty!" -Nat

"You'll be all set to sleep on the sheets, and you'll be like 'Whoa, elephants'" -Renee

"...but then I realized that if I went over there, my head would be in your crotch, so I decided against it."

"Nat looks good in a scarf... just a scarf"

"I'm naked"

"I got my first lapdance tonight" -KTO

"I figured I didn't have very much going for me, so i figured I would depend on the cleaveage" -Renee

"I'm not a wench! Well, maybe..."

her: well i hate penises

"Orbitals? Molecular orbitals? A lot of them really look like boobs."

"She [E2] sits there and enjoys the boobies just as much as I do
during class."

"We're not getting any pleasure out of seeing molecular orbitals on the board, it's just funny."
"Funny because..." -me
"...funny because they look like boobies."

"I thought i was a whore before this, but now i don't think so"

her: it's not like i'm going to lick you

"Why are we watching this? There's only one guy in the room" -Ash
(girl's name) pops back into the room: "Cause we like boobies!"

"No girl-on-girl action! Blech!"

"He spits on people, i just drool"

"You consider seduction beating people with fish"

"Screw seduction, you're getting beat with the fish!" -me

"I dissected forty rats a day. I did. I took out their brains." -Nat

"Do guys use toilet paper?"
"Never" -me

"Sometimes i forget to breathe, too, but mostly I just drool"

Nat: now i know why guys masturbate so often and i have to say i encourage it

"Dan, stop it! Stop!... Dan found my coconut bra." -Nat on phone with her boyfriend

"Do you know how many people in the world masturbate?" -Nat
"Like a billion percent."

"Domingo thinks I am the perfect partner to have because he thinks I'll do 90% of the work." -Nat

"My theory is you love anything after enough alcohol" -KtF

"Ew, you sprayed it all over my face!"

"...so we tell him he has a vagina." -E2

"I could bite off your nipple."
"We could team up." -Erin

"I have two bedrooms this year. One of them is coed because of me." -Nat

"You base your life on cartoons?" -Nat
"Actually yeah, kinda..." -me

"This is not funny! You guys are NOT telling anybody that I wet my pants!"

"This sucks, I have urine in my pants."

"Stop! Keep your hands off me!" -Nat, while walking around the lakes with me
"You're an animal." -Nat, AFTER walking around the lakes with me

"Dan, please don't make me put my hand down your pants."

"I have chocolate in my cleavage!"

"You can sit on your butt!"
"Only if she kneels." -Me
"Dan, obviously you haven't had many blowjobs."

"I'm the bread queen." -Nat
"You're the bread whooooore."

"Maybe you could come over sometime and get some."

"You have way too big a smile on your face for me to be giving you sharp objects." -me

"Um, titties before pictures."

"I only look at YOUR crotch when you come in."

"I always got sweaty when I drank A-1, too."

"I'm very rape-able."

"Yeah, I would have Erin's urine all over me."

"Investigate my rapehole!"

"I was just thinking about poop... I have a horribly embarassing story that involves poop."

"So how was your weekend?" -me
"Other than the maggots? And the tequila? It was OK."

"No, itty-bitty ones, like the kind you put in your mouth." -E2
"I know what you're talking about, I've put them in my mouth before"

"Having him come to the baseball game does not mean you have to suck his dick." -E2
"I already have a dick."

"You're a cross between having a little child and a pet." -E2 to her

"I'm naked." -E2
"Oh, I like it."

"I called my hoodmate a cocksucker the other day."

"I know, I'm drinking vagina. But I have a vagina, so it's OK." -E2

"I've seen bigger."

"I hope my brother doesn't call my mom and be like, '(girl's name)'s butt is bleeding.'"

"...and E2 and I are also lesbian lovers. E2's kind of the whore of the chemistry department."

"I'm going to get your balls one day."

"There are always other boobs." -me
"I want yours."

"High five for your ass." -me

"I've never worn you out like this before."

Auto response from her: so...i defied gravity tonight, nearly cracked my head open, and gave dan friction burns...what a great night :-)

"Just because I touched it doesn't mean I liked it."

"I can't get any out." -Erin
"You just have to squeeze hard." -E2

"It sounds so erotic... 'Golden Showers'"

"You don't like chocolate?"
"Nope." -Chuck
"Are you Chinese?" -on spring break cruise

"E2! Are you going to the bathroom? I want to come! Bathroom buddies!"

"You can touch em if you want."

"(girl's name) is coming home with ME tonight." -E2
"Am I?" -me
"Only if you want to sleep with me too!" -her

"I did NOT take your pants off!" -E2 to her

"I'd rather just look at your crotch."

"It tasted alright. It was just... sticky." -E2

"Do you think it's gonna be all night? 'Cause sometimes after you do it, you fall asleep."

"Oh, what's the sound of a throbbing vagina? ...whooonnngg..."

"There will be no throbbing vaginas... other than E2's."
"What?" -E2

"Going round and round and... working out that IRA thing..."

2004-10-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

The semester I studied abroad in London, I had an art history class taught by a former curator of the British Museum. To respect his privacy, I won't give his name, but he shared it with an astronaut and an Irish revolutionary (I figure that's enough to identify him without this turning up unexpectedly in a Google search).

Like I said, he was apparently the curator of the British Museum and did fairly well-respected work while he was there; I point this out to contrast it to the sort of things he'd say during class while discussing fine art. I wrote down everything I could so that I'd have proof later, and I'm posting it with the works in question so if you're familiar with it (or feel like looking it up) you can see exactly how much of a tangent he was going off on every time.

Eugène Delacroix - Self Portrait

"I mean, I'm not a woman, but i find him very sexy."
"One would go out with him."
"The way the nostril is drawn suggests he's in command."
"Even if you're a man, you want to kiss him."

--Incidentally, he had a strange tendency to describe people of both genders as being "very kissable." That came up often enough that i didn't bother to write them all down.--

Eugène Delacroix - The July Revolution

"There is something strangely sexy about confrontation, if you're fighting on the correct side"
"Why hasn't she got a bra on?"

William Blake - Songs of Innocence

"Innocence means you don't wear clothes."

William Blake - The Ancient of Days

"He thinks sex is a good thing, which it is. Wait, I shouldn't say that. Blake thinks sex is a good thing."
"In Paris, if I want to see a prostitute... which I don't..."

Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot - Woman in Blue

"Usually men have sexy forearms..."

Gustave Courbet - The Artist's Studio

"One of the best results of drawing the female form is that you often sleep with the female form."

Honoré Daumier - The Heavy Burden

"Doing heavy washing by day and having lots of sex at night does tire you."

Edouard Manet - Dejeurner Sur L'Herbe

"I'm fascinated by pornography in the 19th century..."

Edouard Manet - Olympia

"What's the upside of prostitution? You can make a lot of money out of it."
"There's good sex and bad sex, right?"
"...which are all good examples of gentle sado-masochistic sex, very gentle, not at all dangerous..."

Edouard Manet - Nana

"Men are always sexual slaves."
"Women are very strange too, sexually, not just men."
"It's like cooking, they're jolly good at it, and they're pretty good at sex as well."

Claude Monet - La Grenouillere

"Naughty naughty, topless men..."
"We've all seen Baywatch, and much, much worse..."
"...but if you're nice to her, she'll sleep with you. That's French culture."
"...this rather prettily-bottomed girl over here..."

Claude Monet - Waterlillies

"And we've got this orgiastic sense of color..."
"Panavision! That's the baby, well done!"

Auguste Renoir - Moulin de la Galette

"When the sun is bright, you feel horny, don't you?"
"...bright, warm light makes us feel horny..."
"...and frankly, I've never seen more kissable faces in the history of art."

Paul Cézanne - Man in a Blue Hat

"Imagine a naked figure at the front of the room... er, someone other than me..."

Paul Cézanne - Rocky Landscape

"They remind one of cubes of sugar or whatever, but no, they're cubes of rock."

Georges Seurat - La Grande Jatte <-the painting in Ferris Bueller

"Even her butt is very much like the butt of a monkey, isn't it?"
"You know, the french like arse and butt jokes much more than we do."

Georges Seurat - Le Chahut (= "the can-can")

"...particularly because the middle classes weren't much good at sex, and the prostitutes knew that."

Vincent Van Gogh - The Cafe

"Van Gogh was weak, and he was also ugly."

Paul Gauguin - Daydreaming

"If you want to go to the Garden of Eden, you want what the Garden of Eden was all about: perfect sex, twenty-four hours a day."

Paul Gauguin - Nevermore

"It's taken us until about 1890 to get to painting what we do every day, which is have sex."
"No woman has a flower inside her, believe me."
"...the penile gourd"
(talking about a raven) "It's the old dick-bird, you know, man lives by his dick... again, don't write this down."

Paul Gauguin - Faa ih eihe

"...the castration complexes of the 1890's..."

"His dick has led him astray. No, don't write this down."