One Individual's File

As some of you know, one friend of mine has so few filters in place between her thoughts and her speech that after sophomore year I decided to create a separate file just for quotes from her. I added other quotes from a related group of people, but they're mostly from the one person. Since I don't know if she wants these up here, I'll leave her name off her quotes; anything not attributed to someone else is her work.


"I'll have to moon you sometime."

"You're a gentle giant... I need another shot."

"I can't fit it all in my mouth"

"I've got some serious head action."

"I love porn music."

"I like sheep. Not to have sex with, but to pet them and stuff."

"You are like the horniest girl I've ever known, either i have incredible self-control or you are just really horny." -katie f to her

"It's not like i'd get some kind of horny pleasure out of it."

"Now i'm swinging my underwear over my head."

"Maybe, but i like poop better"

"If i had porn in my drawer, you'd be sorry."

"Who needs women when you have fish?"

"You know how Sean likes to hump people's backs? I like to hump fish."

"Katie, make him cuddle with the fish."

"I was drunk so I couldn't feel my boobs."

"If you're ever lonely and your ass feels lonely, just come over and I'll give it a grab."

"You have feet hair?" -me
"Just a little bit, but it's pretty long." -her

"It's like you're milking a cow, but ketchup comes out."

"When you're milking a cow, it's like you're pulling on the cow's boobs."

"My boobs flop less than your boobs when I run."
"That's cause your boobs are smaller than mine." -Irish Kat

"I was like, It's mini-Dan! Awww!"

"OK, weirdo. I bought gorilla slippers."

"Why is it so great to have sex like a monkey?"

"Like if you feel it, you're like 'that's not a boob'"

"Except if you had Velcro... but that doesn't have much to do with saggy boobs."

"It just draws them in, like moths to a BugZapper."

"I mean, who wants to have sex with a dead guy? Not even me."

"I have feet juice."

"Your beer breath is worse now" -her
"That's cause i drank more beer" -Pat

"katie, do you think i'm really good at pelvic thrusts?"

"katie and i have to get naked. get out"

"pat, come pee with me"

"no, it's ok, i went in the toilet"

"i thought you were lifting your leg to pee" -pat

"It would be fun to have a penis"

"What does peeing your pants have to do with my perky oranges?"

"Ass-raping involves your butt!" -Sean

"I guess guys can only get raped in the butt. I didn't know that"

"I love crap."

"I wasn't talking about that kind of head!"

"Sex with a corndog!" -Pat
"I hate you" -her

"peter humped him and I tried to tickle him to get him to stop and I found out that peter is stronger than me..." -Renee

"we have cat fights all the time"

"are you sexually excited?" -her
"no, but thanks for asking" -me

"I'm not going to beat her with her own fish, that'd be cruel" -ktf

"peter, will you purr for me? i wanna hear it."

"Dan, when you took off your pants, did you have to unbutton them or were they like windpants where you just (wssssh)?"

"Dan, if you unzip your pants, would they just fall down? Cause mine sure wouldn't."

", did it hurt?" -assorted
"No, it went gently into my crotch." -her (while playing racquetball)

"But... I... it was... I'm talking about ice cream, not sex!"

"It's not my urine!" -sean

"On the other hand, naked isn't always bad." -Nat

"That'd be like having a hose in your pants!"

"You guys are messed up. You don't have to get naked to do that."

"Then you could sit down in a bowl of water when you're done!" -Nat

"I'm not making out with you."

"You make a funny atom." -Nat

"It's also possible for it to sublime, to go from solid directly to gas, but I don't think your butt would do that." -Nat

"Did you know there's a really gross sexual term called shrimp-boating?"

"Hey, when is the next time you run naked?"

"We're waiting for you Dan. Where are your pants?"

"I'm good in an elevator" -Nat
"I'm damn good in an elevator" -ktf

"I look more like a man than I do like a bird..." -Nat

"This is fun, we're getting drugs" -Nat

"I am not a dirty person"

"Watch out, I might hit it with my butt."

"Feel my bra! Feel it!"

"Logic is a pain in the ass." -KTO

"I'm a girl, i don't have to be logical." -Nat

"I am not sacrificing my jugular for you to bite and kill me" -KTO

"Maybe they just have sex in their invisible boxes" -Ktf

"What else is a wall good for?" -Nat

"Getting my mack on..." -Nat

"i fell over too much" -Nat

"i don't know, i don't sleep with her" -Nat

"there are four of me. no, i'm natalie. i don't know their names. you have to ask them. i'm schizo." -Nat

"it made sense in my own little mind" -Nat

"I learned I don't enjoy girls' breasts."

"I was like, 'Obviously I'm not going to get to see any cock,' so I left."

"Then you drink their nectar, their sweet sweet nectar" -Nat

"I'm very full of it."

"No, they don't play with it down there usually." -Nat

"I just realized there are four walls in an elevator..." -Nat

"She's been making full use of walls for quite some time" -KtF

"Thanks, i needed to get hit with a finger in the forehead." -me
"...that's not a finger" -Ktf

"Thousands of dollars of computer equipment and sugar do not go well together" -KTO

"I didn't grope you!" -KTO

"You can't grope a guy! ...at least, not up top." -KTO

"What do you have in your pocket to play with today?" -Nat

"I wish all my problems came with adhesive backing" -me

"I'm also known as Hoochie Renee." -Renee

"So what's different about toys and management?" -katief

her: actually, my lab professor called me a lesbian today

her: i wasn't a lesbian, moron
her: just a feminist

"When in doubt, say you have herpes." -Sean

"I guess they only call it that in porno movies"

"His bed is plenty comfy, trust me" -Nat

"I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, not being dirty!" -Nat

"You'll be all set to sleep on the sheets, and you'll be like 'Whoa, elephants'" -Renee

"...but then I realized that if I went over there, my head would be in your crotch, so I decided against it."

"Nat looks good in a scarf... just a scarf"

"I'm naked"

"I got my first lapdance tonight" -KTO

"I figured I didn't have very much going for me, so i figured I would depend on the cleaveage" -Renee

"I'm not a wench! Well, maybe..."

her: well i hate penises

"Orbitals? Molecular orbitals? A lot of them really look like boobs."

"She [E2] sits there and enjoys the boobies just as much as I do
during class."

"We're not getting any pleasure out of seeing molecular orbitals on the board, it's just funny."
"Funny because..." -me
"...funny because they look like boobies."

"I thought i was a whore before this, but now i don't think so"

her: it's not like i'm going to lick you

"Why are we watching this? There's only one guy in the room" -Ash
(girl's name) pops back into the room: "Cause we like boobies!"

"No girl-on-girl action! Blech!"

"He spits on people, i just drool"

"You consider seduction beating people with fish"

"Screw seduction, you're getting beat with the fish!" -me

"I dissected forty rats a day. I did. I took out their brains." -Nat

"Do guys use toilet paper?"
"Never" -me

"Sometimes i forget to breathe, too, but mostly I just drool"

Nat: now i know why guys masturbate so often and i have to say i encourage it

"Dan, stop it! Stop!... Dan found my coconut bra." -Nat on phone with her boyfriend

"Do you know how many people in the world masturbate?" -Nat
"Like a billion percent."

"Domingo thinks I am the perfect partner to have because he thinks I'll do 90% of the work." -Nat

"My theory is you love anything after enough alcohol" -KtF

"Ew, you sprayed it all over my face!"

"...so we tell him he has a vagina." -E2

"I could bite off your nipple."
"We could team up." -Erin

"I have two bedrooms this year. One of them is coed because of me." -Nat

"You base your life on cartoons?" -Nat
"Actually yeah, kinda..." -me

"This is not funny! You guys are NOT telling anybody that I wet my pants!"

"This sucks, I have urine in my pants."

"Stop! Keep your hands off me!" -Nat, while walking around the lakes with me
"You're an animal." -Nat, AFTER walking around the lakes with me

"Dan, please don't make me put my hand down your pants."

"I have chocolate in my cleavage!"

"You can sit on your butt!"
"Only if she kneels." -Me
"Dan, obviously you haven't had many blowjobs."

"I'm the bread queen." -Nat
"You're the bread whooooore."

"Maybe you could come over sometime and get some."

"You have way too big a smile on your face for me to be giving you sharp objects." -me

"Um, titties before pictures."

"I only look at YOUR crotch when you come in."

"I always got sweaty when I drank A-1, too."

"I'm very rape-able."

"Yeah, I would have Erin's urine all over me."

"Investigate my rapehole!"

"I was just thinking about poop... I have a horribly embarassing story that involves poop."

"So how was your weekend?" -me
"Other than the maggots? And the tequila? It was OK."

"No, itty-bitty ones, like the kind you put in your mouth." -E2
"I know what you're talking about, I've put them in my mouth before"

"Having him come to the baseball game does not mean you have to suck his dick." -E2
"I already have a dick."

"You're a cross between having a little child and a pet." -E2 to her

"I'm naked." -E2
"Oh, I like it."

"I called my hoodmate a cocksucker the other day."

"I know, I'm drinking vagina. But I have a vagina, so it's OK." -E2

"I've seen bigger."

"I hope my brother doesn't call my mom and be like, '(girl's name)'s butt is bleeding.'"

"...and E2 and I are also lesbian lovers. E2's kind of the whore of the chemistry department."

"I'm going to get your balls one day."

"There are always other boobs." -me
"I want yours."

"High five for your ass." -me

"I've never worn you out like this before."

Auto response from her: so...i defied gravity tonight, nearly cracked my head open, and gave dan friction burns...what a great night :-)

"Just because I touched it doesn't mean I liked it."

"I can't get any out." -Erin
"You just have to squeeze hard." -E2

"It sounds so erotic... 'Golden Showers'"

"You don't like chocolate?"
"Nope." -Chuck
"Are you Chinese?" -on spring break cruise

"E2! Are you going to the bathroom? I want to come! Bathroom buddies!"

"You can touch em if you want."

"(girl's name) is coming home with ME tonight." -E2
"Am I?" -me
"Only if you want to sleep with me too!" -her

"I did NOT take your pants off!" -E2 to her

"I'd rather just look at your crotch."

"It tasted alright. It was just... sticky." -E2

"Do you think it's gonna be all night? 'Cause sometimes after you do it, you fall asleep."

"Oh, what's the sound of a throbbing vagina? ...whooonnngg..."

"There will be no throbbing vaginas... other than E2's."
"What?" -E2