Here Goes Nothing

I've been piling up these quotes for a long time now, but until this weekend all anybody ever saw of them was what made it into my profile on instant messenger. After a bit of encouragement, I'm going to try posting it all here so people can see it all at once...

Two caveats, though: first, a lot of what got written down was raunchy either in or out of context, so it's your own responsibility not to get offended. And second, if I'm not totally sure people will be ok with their name being attached to their own words (or if I think it'll get them in too much trouble) the quotes will be posted uncredited. If you want your name stripped from something, let me know.

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's REALLY kind of a whore." - Feb. '08 to Dec. '08

"I was painting. You know, I had my duty down in the basement. I do mostly impressionist, but I'm really getting into my cubism period, as soon as I figure out how to draw a cube." -Snow

Emily: seriously? vampires are supposed to be involved in lots of sex. not cuddling with a blanket.

*** Thanksgiving in LA ***
"It's not my fault I don't have a weiner!" -Shawna

"Yeah, I do suck, but people usually appreciate that." -Shawna to her mother

"I like that you can forcefully lead, 'cause I'm drunk enough to fall over." -Kelly

"Try it once more, I don't think I was actually looking because there's something poking me in the ass." -Shawna

"Get Dr. Chopper, it's better." -Kelly
"Better isn't the point, I want you to be a zombie." -me
"Balls."

"I saw my second celebrity in LA: Ron Jeremy." -Scott

"I just want to shrink you guys so I could put you in my pocket and take you out and show people and say See, aren't they adorable? and they're MINE!" - Shawna

"It's a good thing that I didn't explode everywhere." -Kelly
"Sometimes it's good for a girl to explode everywhere." -Booter
"Yeah, work on that." -Shawna

"It's bad enough I have to compete with Dean." -Kelly
"You don't compete with Dean." -Booter

"...and not only do these socks look awesome and are totally comfy, but they COMPLETELY MATCH MY PANTS!" -Shawna

"What video is that?" -Booter
"It's us watching porn." -Shawna

"It's basically work, and then drink and f--k around until you fall asleep again." -Kelly describing her life

"I've got ten months to choke Carmen Electra." -Josh, Dean's friend

"You know you're not allowed to poop while you're here." -Ti to Josh

"Will you stop with the deucing? What are you, like five years old?" -Ti to Josh

"Why do your feet smell like gefilte fish?" - Grundy to Shawna

"F--king Grundy. Are you f--king serious?!" -JoeJoe, after Grundy peed in his sink

"I just cleaned this sink, you f--ker!" -JoeJoe

"'Cause I will fist-a-to-God your asshole." -Grundy during 40s

"I didn't know it was Insult Game. I thought you were just being a dick." -Grundy

"I have this friend, he's an SC fan but his grandfather played at ND for Knute Rockne. His dad's a... bisexual fan, I guess." -Grundy
Kelly chokes on her drink

"Well, the worst thing is that I can't say balls." -CScott

"Put it in my crotch, it's the hottest part of my body." -Shawna

"I look like cross-eyed in this picture. You're licking the tongue of a crazy girl." -Shawna

"Why do we need bases to talk about touching my tits, but not to talk about sucking your dick?" -Ti

"Is it my fault he put Taco Bell on top of all that blockage?" -Ti

"My enema worked, bitch, it worked." -Ti

"So an enema requires two people - who knew?" -Ti

"Out of like seven thousand songs, I hear My Dick at least once a week." -Shawna

*** End of Thanksgiving in LA ***

"So when you open a pecan, you're busting a nut?" -Gina

Emily: ooh, there's a stripper
Emily: WOW
Emily: the whole dresser
Emily: wow

Emily: dirty girl scouts don't burn as much as a brain hemmorhage

"If you want to chop off all of your hair, I could totally do it for you." -Sarah, my cousin's coworker

"It took Gina four years to get past my first impression." -Kestner
"That's 'cause your first impression was, like, assault." -Gina

"I just know that, however much I've tried, I just don't like dick." -RyanH's Mike

"I forgot about my giant cockersaurus!" -RyanH

"That's not very nice! My dad just told me I look like Obama. Because I'm dark." -Katie, on her wedding day

"If we don't stop by a CVS to get my Maybelline lipgloss, I'm gonna be f--king pissed." - Megan, Matron of Honor #1

"Your hair looks AWESOME." -Tori, Matron of Honor #2
"I know, I look like Katie's legit! 'Cause there's red in it!" -Mom

Green: well, now I have to wear the hooker red dress

"Mmmmm, nipple twisting." -Diana

"She had to wait for the bathroom to clear out so she could devastate it." -Gina abt Rebecca

"Rebecca, that beer's not gonna throw itself up." -Kickball Big Joe

My away message: So much for the Gone With the Wind approach...
Green: you made dresses out of curtains?
John: see what you get when you have to rely on the kindness of strangers? Gonorrhea, unless your talking about a different line from that movie

"The amount of time it'd take to cut all the kids' heads off and stick them in little baseballs..." -Monica

"It's not poison if she enjoys it." -Spam

"If I were a tranny, I'd be much better looking than that." -BrianH

"I just provide the hole, he provides the aim." -Rebecca abt Shuo

"Tulika brought me oral pleasure." -Elisha

"Are they udders, Mere? Is that what they are? Think before you squeeze your boobs." -RyanH

"She's got sternum. She's got plenty of sternum." -Mere, abt bouncing coins into Ryan's shirt

"You shouldn't vomit." -me
"I'm not going to." -Gina
"That's my woman." -Kestner

"F--k, I burped at 2? On command? That's AWESOME!" -RyanH

"When are you gonna stop banging other chicks?" -Rebecca
"When you stop having 'inflammations'." -Shuo

"Are you gonna take that shit? Kick her ass, get her naked." -Travis

Emily: yeah...not sure what the point is if it's non-erotic

Green: that plane pooped a capsule

"Our apartment this week was basically three Mexicans vomiting." -Kestner

"All I can think of is that one with the weird little people." -Mom describing the Lord of the Rings trilogy

"It just slips down your throat accidentally." -Kestner
"It's f--king disgusting. That's why I hate them." -Gina

"I want to see a wild squirrel go to the bathroom." -Kiva

"Just put it in a different way so it really rubs around." -Kiva

"That's how you drew 'razor burn'? It looks like a sailboat!" -EJ during Cranium

"I burned my bottom lip. Last night at your place, it finally started coming off in chunks. I was just picking it off and dropping it on the floor." -Mike B.

"Why are you shoving this down our throats?" -Drew
"Guess what's getting shoved down your throat next!" -EJ

"I'm just glad your mom didn't milk me." -BrianH

"I'll trade you half a pound of fudge for that baby. Make somebody REALLY happy outside." -Uncle Jimmy at Scoops

"Drew says Cranium is the most irrationally competitive two hours of his year." -EJ

"Is that Mikey or a mailbox?" -BrianH

"I will teach my daughters to burp and burp eloquently." -RyanH

"I was just thinking it would be so awesome to go to Alon's and pick up some chicken salad, but... I don't want to put my pants back on." -ATL Courtney

"Plus it's got Tim Curry, who is an AMAZINGLY sexy transvestite." -Emily

"Wait, like downloading? I feel different about copyright law if I can get CAUGHT!" -Andrea

"I haven't used my womb." -Rebecca

"I could've been the axe-murdering lesbian in the pink Cadillac." -Tammy

"I'm not Jewish... but Jewish people annoy me." -Nugent
"Oh, write that down, write that f--king down!" -RyanH

"Wait, so you wouldn't wax your balls?" -RyanH
"No, you Nair your balls." -Mere

"She's not a lady, you don't have to be a gentleman." -Mere to Mike

"I very rarely have the urge to punch people in the face." -KmV

"Something stupid. I'm a tool." -Spam's recording of whatever I said

"Ohhhh, I see the penis now!" -RyanH

"It's a cheese grater, where could it go?" -RyanH
"I was talking about skinning the Jews." -Mere
"Oh. That's a bad topic." -RyanH

"I mean, what's wrong with a little cocker spaniel now and then?" -RyanH

"If you asked me for a threesome, I would politely say no." -Cameron to Patrick & Susan

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's really kind of a whore." -Sean

"Like a melting cheese, my capability erodes." -Doc

"Yeah, you're thinking about the porn." -me
"Oh yeahhhhh..." -Andrea
"The WHAT?" -SeanB

"I have problems getting it up with just one stick." -Emily

"You smoke the crack. You snort the coke." -me
"Ohhhhhhh..." -Andrea & Tulika

"I like this better, when I turn around I see Katie and not Dan." -Rebecca

"Syphilis - that'd be a beautiful name if it wasn't a disease." -Kristin

"That's how we usually do things around here - Kendall and Ramon and an underage hooker." -KmV

"We could totally do a lesbian duet." -KmV
"We could!" -Kendall

"Ew, gross! Steak shit, yuck!" -Amy

"That's why the Greeks were remembered. It's not that they were the smartest people, it's that they documented their work." -Doc

"Feel my hair." -Rebecca's friend Suzanne
"Will I like it?" -me
"Listen, f--ker, it feels like a damn sheep!"

"Yeah, I have a flat ass. I have to wear low-cut shirts." -Rebecca

"Jagina! I-S-S-I-N-G!" -Iris on Gina's birthday

"Muhfeemakruckahmormick." -Snow with his mouth full
"My clock is thick? ...wait, what'd you say?!" -me
"I said, I'm eating a cracker and you're a dick." -Snow, once he could breathe again

"I'll watch for your boobs." -Tambryn, captain of opposing kickball team

"If it was supercritical, you would have known it already." -Dr. Petrovic

"I will not go through the derivation. If you feel very masochistic at some point, go through the textbook..." -Dr. Petrovic

"Is it going to be like Transformers when it transforms?" -Janel
"No..." -student
"I want Transformers, dammit!"

"I'm sort of opposed to pooping in the snow." -KmV

about beryllium:
"Isn't that very toxic?" -Frank
"It is, but I guess in fifties is ok." -Dr. Petrovic

"The only thing that makes karaoke better is nasty-ass strippers while you karaoke." -Dixey about Tuesdays at the Claremont

"Could you not use my hips as a pushing point next time?" -Gina

"When we first get a dog, it's gonna have to learn to lick toes, because we both love it... but not with each other!" -Rebecca

"Day ain't over until you spoon." -Hernando
"That's right." -Doc


*** Texts ***

Kestner: Question. Is Gina a vibrant young lady or an old hag?
Kestner: Maybe this might help u decide. Gina is trying to fart out her hiccups.

Mom: No shots pls.

Green: bar tonight: someone picked final countdown at least 5 times in a row. needless to say, I am READY for a wedding.

Sean: Awesome. Btw expect a small package in a few days
Sean: Oh and it's not me. Wanted to clarify.

Green: momma wants to get her hate on.

KatWhilePregnant: Pushups, yeah no. I'm fat now

Green: my god, i just audibly gasped. tell it i love it. it never even calls me by my name.

RyanE: I am so aroused and disgusted.

Snow: Dude if the LHC destroys the world I firmly believe it's somehow your fault. This is actually my game plan for all cataclysmic events.

KmV: My penis is the hammer.

Green: that poor orphan I packed into checked luggage. he must be so frightened and lonely. in related news: why the hell did I do that?

"I've shaved many men." - Oct '07 to Feb '08

"I don't think my physician would advise that." -Spam
"Oh, he'll give you penicillin." - me
"There are some things penicillin doesn't cure." -Spam
"Babies." -Alison

"Alligator clips? F--K alligator clips!" -Alison

"Women fart, I've seen it." -Spam

"This next one's a love song." -guy at Limerick
"I call it 'Belch In Your Face'." -Kestner

"Oooooh, I want to see Jesus!" -Mere

"I want to disembowel someone." -Toby

"Did I tell you how much Molly liked syphilis?" - KatieM

"I'm kinda sad that I probably won't get to dress like a woman in the next place that I work at." - Texas Matt

"If Enrique's gay, I don't want to be straight." -Mikey

"The two lesbians are coming to your wedding?" -Mikey
"Yeah." -KatieC
"Cool!"

"You look nicer on the Nintendo than you do in real life. Like, the mischievious look in your eyes doesn't come through." -Erin

"I put it in my mouth first... and then I swallowed." -Courtney drinking champagne

"Oh, she's not answering her phone. What a whore." -KatieM

"Why do you have a giant thing on the end of your thing?" -Erin
"Because he's a giant nerd and put the rubber thing on." -Snow
...
"It makes it look a lot bigger." -Erin

"We weren't NOT talking. We just weren't talking." -KatieM

"Why wouldn't you want to show off your butt while golfing?" -Erin

"You played the cello?" -Snow
"Yeah." -Courtney
"No you didn't."
"I ROCKED the goddamn cello!"

"Oh, keep that sucking motion, Crowley." -Erin

"God, I'm very slow." -KatieM

"My whining is more effective than yours. Suck it!" -Erin to Chris

"It's so weird not to be hungover right now." -Erin

"This is like the Who-ville of dorkdom." -KmV

"Ew, Chad Henne just spit in high-def." -Erin

Green: i want a wealthy old british uncle who will call me his little crumpet
Green: or pet. i love being called "pet"
Green: the kiwi dude i made the knife with called me pet, it was great

Teresa: did 'the woman' make an appearance
Teresa: dang it all... her name's kate? it that right? you say 'the woman' so much i forget!

"I TOLD you it was making funny noises last time! Nobody believed me!" -Emily
"That's 'cause you were high." -me
"...so?"

"Up 'til about ten, about seventy percent of my toys were stolen." -Bhuan

"I just want to lick that whole thing up, and then I'll be sick all night." -Claire
"I live my life like an unabashed sausage eater, making my way through the winter season..." -Will M.
"I forgot Katie did Observer stuff too. She's kind of an overall badass, if you think about it." -Sean
"She's a sassy little bitch." -Kathy about her grandmother

"What do you have to major in to organize dance parties?" -Mac
"German." -Kathy K.

"I think it's funny that you say Aw skeet skeet motherf-er." -me
"What else would I say?" -Molly
"...cardiocentesis?" -me
"No, skeet skeet motherf-er is MUCH more fun!"

"Lalala, we love each other, DRINK! We'll talk about this later." -Molly

"How could you not f-ing pole vault? It's physics, you idiot!" -Little Chuk

"You know the livestock pens at the ____ fair? You know how they have those big barns? Imagine fifteen barns full of drunk Germans. That's Oktoberfest." -Cousin Dean

"I look deranged but elegant." -Irena
"He's kind of like Cinderella, but for chili." -Curtis abt Dane
"That's a great Nalgene bottle." -Kemp
"Thanks, it matches my thong." -Scott

"I need some meat in my mouth, I'm just gonna throw that out there." -Ryan

"I guess once you see donkey dick, it all goes downhill." -Kestner

T: breastfeeding is like having a tapeworm
T: it's soooo crazy
T: i eat and eat and eat, and i gain NOTHING
T: i'm going to be in trouble when i have to start maintaining a normal diet again someday ;-)

"I'd like to forget MY decade of shittiness." -Lynn

"I'm not kissing you until you stop the pedophile talk." -KatieM

"I'm a girl. I'm a cute girl, too! You can't hit a cute girl. It's like messing up a work of art." -Gina

"Hey Shuo, can I borrow your camera?" -me
"I have a blowfish face!" -Gina

Mom: danny,
Mom: danny,
Mom: do u know you have offended two major groups of people with your quotes?

"Do I need to start shaving guys, is that the gist of this conversation?" - Lynn
"I don't know, I've got nothing against it." -Alison

"I'm still pretty sure it's better than no sex, because from a girl's perspective you still get to cuddle." - Alison's take on bad sex

"Can you assign scores based on golf?" -Lee
"I would be batting a thousand." -other student
"...in golf?"

"So if we come to take the 'voluntary exercise,' we don't have to take the final?" -student
"Yes, and if one of you RATS ON ME, the deal is off." -Cassiano

"You've got a laptop? Bring it up here!" -Cassiano
"Hold on, I've got to close out the porn." -student
"No, that's ok."

"Some of them were drunk assholes, but I'd rather hang out with drunk assholes than, um... sissyboys." -KatieM

"You do NOT HAVE the white man's burden." -Kat

TEXT MESSAGES
"Alas, poor beer. i knew him, Horatio.
Just kidding, still know him. just wanted to quote shakespeare when drunk." -Green
"Nothing is rotten in the state of Green."-me
"To be drunk or not to be drunk. Not so much a question." -Green
"Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the beers and wines of outrageous boozing, or take shots against a sea of sobriety and by opposing end it..." -me
"A buzz! A very palpable buzz!" -Green
"Get thee to a brewery?" -me
"The drink's the thing, wherein i'll catch the conscience of the idiot."
"This above all, to thine own self give booze." -me
"Neither a moocher nor a puker be.
and from chrissie: my blood liquorhol level are high."
-For context, she was out at a bar - I was home, so I had references to cheat with.

"I'm better looking and you'd better love me." -KatieM

"Yeah well we took a vote and no one wants to watch the band step off tom. Hank says he'll pay 4 my wedding. He can be new dad." -Katie to Dad

"Rob is here with Molly and I. He is afraid of me. I am proud." -KatieM

"ps i got hit by a car today. happy friday! a. exhausted am treating condition with beer!" -Green

"You're so supportive... Are you drunk?" - KatieM

"I look scary and sexy all at the same time." -KatieM

"chrissie: where's a deer? i want to punch it in the face. i could totally win.
mike: doedally win." -Green

"what is going on sassy pants?" -SusanT

"Just woke up. Forgot to tell you I missed you. That and I dreamt [her dog] was talking to me about Santa's reindeer. But mostly I just miss you." -KatieM

"I am disabled. Communicate with me!" -Snow
"November." - me ( = No or negative)
"Zulu." -Erin (I require a tug.)
"Uniform." -me (You are running into danger.)
"Tkele-cho-g." -Erin (Jackass.)
"Uh... vade retro satana!" (Get behind me, Satan)

"So drunk. Miss you so much." -KatieM, 1:53am
"If you're still up, I love you so much. You have no idea." -KatieM, 3:35am
"I feel like ass." -KatieM, 10:55am

"From Chris: If you want to hear muppets cuss, put on Sesame Street and I'll say f--- a lot." -KatieM

"They look like they should be Lincoln Logs. You should just start stacking them." - January '07 to September '07

"Santiago, I know you're love-struck, but what can I do to penetrate you?" -my advisor

"You hook them, like Elise, and then you spank them." -Doc

"I'm still stuck on the strap-on." -Marni

"The hard life of Gina." -Marni
"It's like living with a retard. 'She's licking the ketchup again!'" -Gina

LizS: well i gotta blow dry my shoe

"That was a fun night until we got arrested." -Kestner

"I dunno, I've had some fun times I don't remember." -Kestner

"Oh, we're having a boob orgy with the dollar bill." -RebeccaH

"If I let you take this dollar, can I sing a song?" -Gina with a single down her shirt

"Of course, it all depends on your opinion of popcorn in my crotch." -Gina
"Depends on how... omnivorous you are." -RebeccaH

"I knew a girl in high school who, if you looked quickly or from far away, she looked like she had Downs Syndrome... BUT SHE DIDN'T. We called her 'Downsy'." -Gina

"It's actually quite normal for me to wake up with no pants on." -Gina

"Robe does not equal pants, Dan." -Gina

"I can't look at your leaning cow and still play." -Kristine

"When you're drunk enough to do anything that moves, you're slut-drunk." -John

"I have to warm up my breasts." -John massaging himself before beer pong

"I wasn't feeling her up, I was making fake nipples!" -Jen

"Alan will suck anything that lands on the table." - Tara
"Uh... I have to disagree." -Alan

"Vaginas unite!" -Jen
"Ew. That's kinda gross. I don't want to picture that." -Alan

"Thanks, Melissa. This is how people get pinkeye." -MikeI when Green's camera battery died

"All I really need is a white jumpsuit and a BeDazzler." -Princeton Chrissy

"I'm right in the middle of New York... slightly south." -Green, in Princeton

"Let me guess. There's no inside bathroom, is there?" -me
"There is. It's outside." -MikeI

"Yay, I'm the birthday wench!" -Rebecca H

"You're not popular enough to be different." -Doc to an incoming first-year

"Nobody does travel like Cara, ok? I have slept with so many of my students over the years. ...that's why Pat graduated so quickly." -Doc

"...the hell is going on here?"
"There's obviously something dreadfully wrong here. What is going on?" -Industry contact, trying to help troubleshoot a problem

"Dan, I love you like I love beer." -Rebecca H

"Fellatio is illegal in Georgia, cunnilingus is not." -Rebecca H
"F---." -KmV

"So Molly has spent I don't know HOW many family gatherings practicing drinking wine with a split hoof." -KmV

"I don't want fellatio, I want flowers!" -KmV

"Ah, we're on to the cooler conversation." -JD
"Hey, nothing's cooler than Star Wars." -Spam
"Star Trek." -Diana

"You want me here!" -Katie
"I don't care whether you're here or not." -Mom

"Somebody stole the magic wand!" -EJ
"THAT was MY magic wand." -Aunt Laurie

"It's like you're in a fairy land." -EJ

"She almost looked glazed." -Mom
"She almost looked like Howdy Doody. No, that was a compliment. She looked wide-eyed." -Dad, about a bride

"Yeah, I did Amazon, it was much more reasonable. It allowed me to get your finger puppets and a giant yeast." -KmV

"That tower is like all Jesus and shit." -JMurphy talking about 5 cups stacked in a pitcher

"I'm Mexican, we shouldn't BE in Chicago." -Gina

"That's like the maximum capacity of my ass." -Gina

"I'll rent the U-Haul, you hit the preacher." -Diana to me

"I want a transvestite at my wedding." -Katie C

"Yours has more length, but mine has a little more girth." -Gina

"Actually, you know what I learned today from the Charlie Manson special?" -Lynn

"Why do you hang out with a moldy sandwich?" -KmV

"All my blankets smell of nudity." - Kestner

"You know what's hilarious? Testicles. They're funny, I'm serious!" -JMurphy

"You're actually gonna drive home? Oh yeah, carbomb for me!" -Diana to Susan

"Want to hear a racist joke by Stewie Griffin? Which Latin country are you from, the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?" -Adam W.
"Which one has the funny hats?" -Gina

Teresa: i told joe i want detachable breasts so she can just take one and drink to her heart's content
Teresa: i think that freaked out joe

"So maybe it was the pickle-sharing that made me feel better..." -KmV

Auto response from green:
"I'm gonna bribe the officials
I'm gonna kill all the judges
It's gonna take you people years
To recover from all of the damage

Happy Birthday Crowley, you sexy beast, you."

"The professor said you'd get extra credit for listening to the podcasts. I was like, Podcasts?" -Lydia
"Like on iTunes." -Joanna
"Yeah, I've heard of them, but that's like what nerdy people do..."

"They're marching down the hill and all you see is ab after ab after ab... and I was like oh my gosh!" -Joanna

"This suddenly wound up like a Sex & the City episode... and Dan wound up being Charlotte." -KmV

"I do not need a butthole reference on Friday night!" -Molly

Gina: SO I TOLD CHELE I THOUGH (anonymized) WAS HOT
Gina: SHE LAUGHED AT ME

"And regardless of what life throws at you, it does not mean you have to throw a drink back." -KmV

"I'm technically stupid, so you have to be nice to me." -KmV

"Ok, there's this place in LA called Big Wangs..." -Sean

"The potato can talk. It's telepathetic." -Sean

"We should go double-team someone. I've never had a threesome." -Chris W. to Lana

"This is the bar of cleavage-eating." -Rebecca

"I won a f-ing arm wrestling competition TWICE tonight!" -Lynn
"You're a f-ing slut, Lynn." -Allison

"I'm a dork because I'm drunk and alone? No no no, that just means I'm not easy!" -KmV

kat: but lots of sex! = yay!

"Just the head of it, though, with the stick broken off, because otherwise it would be kind of hard to fit in the nightstand drawer." -KmV talking about Swiffers

GINA: doooooode
me: yo?
GINA: i miss guys
GINA: girls suck

Teresa: hey, doing nothing is often the nicest thing possible
Teresa: i like to mix it up occasionally with "doing very little" ;)

"Because a fully functioning toilet is crucial for crew morale." - Emily C.'s MDRS Commander report

"That could be kind of fun." -KmV
"If done properly." -me
"Well, I would think that if NOT done properly, I would be clothed and hurt." -KmV

"Holy cow, my hair is wingin' like a mo-fo on the right side." -Sean

green: you restore my faith in men, crowley.

"Pardon the grunting, I'm eating crackers." -KmV

"I've never picked up a girl at a bar." -Jason K.
"Neither have I." -me
"I know a guy who did, and he got, um... herpes." -Tanner

"There you go. It's like the six degrees of Kevin Spacey." -KmV

"You're an aberration." -KmV

Teresa: apparently it's due to some other lady, looking over this lady's shoulder
Teresa: so - new person to punch :)
Teresa: and she's pregnant :)
Teresa: i'm more pregnant than her though ;)
Teresa: so i win :)

"Don't make me fling my cauliflower at you." -Katie McV

"That's not Kool-Aid! That's vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with food coloring!" -some girl Jeff gave a sip of his drink to at Mardi Gras

"I put my inflatable penis under a girl's arm." -Ryan

"My first thought was, that's a really unattractive girl." -Pirate upon seeing a police horse

"Jesus was a Jew, that's why he's better than you." -some guy at Mardi Gras

"You'd think the naked f-ing bitches would change from year to year, but they don't." -Ryan

"Hola!"
"Como estas!"
"Me llamo Katie! It is my turn,"
"HOLA!"
"...to leave you a drunken message, and I am here with Molly who is saying Hola. Um, we hope you are muy borracho and having a fabulous time..."
"en New ORLEENS!"
"in New Orleans, and,"
"SEEEENYOR DAAAN!"
"and drinking whiskey , and Molly hopes that Seenyor Dan has been doing,"
"MUY BIEN!"
"...the same, and she says muy bien, and apparently Molly (made... with the dance), I don't know how I feel about that, but I like you more than she does. Molly says I have something else, I'm pretty sure i don't know the word for it in spanish, but you get the picture. anyhow, hope you're having a fabulous..."
"DRUNK!"
"...evening. ADIOS, MUCHACHO!"
-Katie & Molly, Saturday night of Mardi Gras

"Nobody wants to eat my sauce ever." -Gina

"I can't squeeze. It's too big, my hand doesn't fit around it." -Marni with her hand in my lap

"It would be sort of sexy silence, because it would be determined." -KmV

"It's the thuggest, gayest place in existence! It's like prison." -Ryan about Bulldogs

"Nancy Pelosi, I'm getting your ass f-ed up. Drink, bitch, drink!" -Gina

"Hey, focus! We're having a conversation here! We're having a conversation about Bhuan's genetalia!" -Gina

"Oh, she's a skank." -Mere
"Who is?" -Gina
"Nancy Pelosi."

"I want you to think about the lady-sips I take, and what it means for the radius." -Duffey

"Better not get your hairy body near my brisket!" -Duffey to Belle

"Eat me. This is my show, I'll play what I want to, damnit." -Chris R. at Limerick

"Siobhan? That's Irish, motherf-er!" -some blonde

"It's one of the few places she can tell people she's a doctor and not frighten them off, Kentucky." -KatieMcV

"Dan, he's TRAINED. I trained him to eat out of my cleavage. What are you writing? What are you writing? What are you writing?" -RebeccaH

"Between my mother and my mother-in-law, that's why I drink." -Tara's mom

"It's good you're not a friend of my dad's or my sister's, because if you were dead or married, that would make the whole thing CONSIDERABLY more bizarre." -KatieMcV

"I was contemplating what my hair looked like in Africa." -KatieMcV

Text Messages:
"Oh there's a whole Bagel Fest in Mattoon IL cuz Lenders is there." - ErinC

"Man, I just made a dead baby joke the other day." -green

"I heart your love of the scientific method :-)" -kmv

"She knows that now. Buffy time now! Talk to you in a bit." -KmV

"If you get bored later, feel free to call. I'll be here... on the floor." -KmV

"oh f---, am drunk" - green

"crowley, courtney just got into a cab with a sketchy blonde guy. please advise" - snow

"not sure WHAT i text messaged you last night. however, given that I'd like to die right now, I bet it was good. :-)" -kmv

"according to the bathroom wall, you're the person to call for a cheap feel." -kmv

"Charlie weis doin 7th inning stretch - he sings as well as i can dance" - kestner

"Are they wasted? Go beer! Beat nerds!" -Kat

"not really. too busy starting tickle fights with the other naked girls in the locker room" - green

"ma na ma na. damnit" - snow

"you couldn't quote in order, asshole. i'm busy shaking my groove thang, now" -green

"Screw your friends! home and drunk now!" -kat

"I'm stuck on a train stopped by the canadian police because a crazy woman is crawling around on the tracks." -ErinC
(i ask how far into canada she is)
"Like 10 miles. We are finally moving again. They must have caught her, eh?"
(i suggest they just left her there and started the train again, and asked if she'd felt it go over any big bumps)
"You're terrible! But yes, one bump..."

"Where are you! You have the keys Damn it!" -Varos after I'd been drunk and missing for a few hours at Mardi Gras

"So yeah, I saw Paul Hornung drop his pants today." - August '06 to January '07

New Year's Eve in DC:
"You didn't have your Wii strap on." -Erin

"My roommates and I gave each other Hungry Chickens. It was awesome."
-Bridget

"Erin, your ass smells like ass." -me
"My ass smells delicious!" -Erin

"Ohhhhhh... I need to stretch before doing the wii." -Erin

"Your wii should not be smaller than my wii!" -Erin

"Let's watch some sexual crimes!" -Erin

"I love you. I love AAAHHHH, oh my GOD your elbows are sharp!" -Snow
"Wait 'til you see what my wii can do!" -Erin

"...'Cause I remember being like, ha ha, he's wearing a dickie, and then I don't remember anything else." -Erin

"Did anybody get my joke?" -Erin
"Was it about sex?" -me
"Yes! Sex is funny! ...maybe that means I'm not having the right kind." -Erin
"Can't wait for THAT to be broadcast to the universe." -Snow

"Jaeger's a little harder to get down recently, you noticed that?" -Sean
"Haven't really had it recently." -me
"It might be because I threw up one time from it."

"They're not actively sucking, they're passively sucking." -me
"My head now hurts." -John

"A foamy foot just can't be healthy." -Tara

KatieMcV: well, the baby had to get drunk somehow

"And (anonymized) was like, where does the dildo go?" -Green describing the planning of someone's bachelorette party

"You just said you would jump (anonymized)'s bones... but you think me threatening to kill you sounds dirty?" -me

"And I was like, what does it taste like when I shove this in there?" -Gina

"Guys love me, it's horrible." -Kestner

"Are you just getting home from school now?" -KatieM
"No, I'm just getting home from the bar now." -me
"Oh, right, it's Tuesday."

"Ok, this is an original song called Hell No. It's about some douchebag hitting on my sister and there was nothing I could do about it... except write this song." -guy performing at Limerick

"So if you walk into his basement, which is enormous, there are dead animals everywhere." -KatieM

Thanksgiving in LA
"This other woman is giving up her eternal life for you, and you're piddling around with some Aryan c---?" -Claire watching RoTK

"Boots, are you yakking?" -me
"No, I have turkey caught in my esophagus." -B

"Oh, we definitely took advantage of the turkey. It was violated in very many ways." -Caitlin

"I want something sweet in my mouth." -Claire

"We couldn't get it to spread its legs to rinse out the insides, so we really had to work on it a little bit." -Caitlin

"Ok, after you take the turkey out of the trash can, you kinda put it in this little trash bag thing that's not really a trash bag, but more like a turkey bag." -Caitlin

"It looked like somebody puked into the trash can, so we took a picture of it." -Caitlin

"My first thought was your cooter, I don't know why." -Sean

"Maybe this is why I have problems with women, I can't find the vagina." -Sean
"Honey, this is my knee." -Caitlin

"Can I just say, high five! Booter nuzzled your breasts, and that was awesome!" - Grundy

"There are a lot of asses in this room I could kick right now, I'm just saying." -Caitlin

"Oh (anonymized), I don't have the patience to talk to you right now. I'm sure you want sex." -Claire

"Sorry, I was gonna burp and greet Booter, but now you're in the way." -Claire

"It's still a twelve year old kid and a fifteen year old kid trying to beat off the witch." -Sean

"I just wish this was as crispy as your bacon." -Claire

"Awww, I almost got creamer in her bosom." -Sean about Caitlin

"I hope I'm not pregnant." -Claire
"Claire, I don't think I could handle that." -Booter
"YOU couldn't handle that?! I'd rip the f---ing thing out of my stomach and throw it at you."

"Caitlin, I'm a girl, it's ok." -Booter
"I know, I'm a dude." -Caitlin

"Note to self: in the future, put on makeup BEFORE you start drinking." -Claire

"She persists in looking like a rabbit." -Caitlin

"That just kind of popped out faster than I thought it would." -Caitlin

"I think I'm gonna drop a deuce, do you wanna play poker?" -Sean

"I used to club my sable." -Sean

"Can we hold these comments until Claire does not have things in her mouth that will make her choke?" -Claire

Claire comments on feeling alienated at the party
"I felt the same way until I got drunk." -Caitlin

"That's Booter fingering the turkey." -Caitlin

"Remember the week before you graduated, when I almost got meat stuck in my throat again?" -Sean

"That's a good story! And that's the Goodyear Blimp!" -Caitlin

"You could poop on his floor." -Caitlin
"Oh, the idea of pooping Flatow and Scruff..." -Claire

"All you need is a short skirt and some pompoms." - a passing stewardess to Sean as he jigged outside LAX

"Am I missing two? I should have twelve. Oh, I do have twelve. For the record, I counted sixteen." -me setting up shotglass checkers after a powerhour

"Pound it. I'll pound it." -Sean
"I'm still gonna eat your pumpkin pie." -me
"Damn you."

"We had like ten beers each, didn't we?"
"Exactly ten."
"Is that counting the Red Hook?"
"...No, not counting the Red Hook. Only the cans."
"Is that counting the margarita?"
"Nope."
"Nice."

"Maybe you and all your little engineering friends will make fun of me 'cause I don't get it, but... I don't get it." -Gina

"I HAVE peed in some odd places, though." -Gina

"I think I left my outfit in your hotel room." -Gina to Pamela

"I wouldn't mind being the thing he's in the middle of." -Gina

"...and I ended up having to kill Kermit the Frog, because he was trying to kill me." -Adam describing a dream he had when he was about 6

"In a lot of ways, I hate you, but I love you." -Gina to me
"It's 'cause you're limber." -Adam to me

"We replaced him with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman. One of the guys who lived up the street had one, I don't know why." -Me
"I know why." -Adam

"There's no excuse to have three-on-one action." -Adam

"I've gotta wait 'til he finishes there... PENIS!" -Adam

"The force exerted by the male on the female..." -Part of someone's discussion of sex, complete with sinusoidal graphs (some showing decay)

"Dan, would you have ever considered a discussion on sex with that many graphs?" -Gina

Post-quals
"Derive for me the speed of smell." -Hernando
"I gave your MOM the speed of smell!" -Ian
and
"If the cops stop you, you're gonna say you're what?" -Hernando
"Drunk as shit." -Ian

"Keeping this up is the hardest part."
"It's about to break."
"People keep punching it." -Shuo about his costume's "switch"

After F-18's did their flyby over the stadium and our tailgate
"Raise your hand if you just got a boner." -Steve

"Whooooo! The reigning kegstand champion! (turns to champion) Where's your wife?" -some big guy dressed like Harry Potter

"Actually, we specifically remember you two going at it with a big group of people." -Matt to T/Joe abt wedding video
"Things get crazy with Kat & Matt." -T

"Like every picture I have with Dan is my ass right up next to his face." -Quynh

Waitress at restaurant changes tv from GT/Clemson game to baseball:
"What are you doing?!" -customer
"World Series!" -waitress
"No!"
"Jesus!"

text from Animal
"Crowly your dad looks so much like you my head just exploded --animal"

"Your dad doesn't look THAT much like... like not HEAD-EXPLODING like you." -Kat

"I would love to roofie all of you and make you all go back and pass out so I can go to sleep too." -Katie

"I've been married four months and no babies yet." -Kat
"That's like God hating you." -Kim

"Are you ok, Kim?" -Kat
"Paul's shushing me." -Kim
"Fuck Paul." -Kat

"In the middle here are these ghastly things, and they do unspeakable things to your neutrons." -Cassiano

kat: no
kat: no backer after wedding
me: before?
kat: and given that wedding is at 9am, no backer before
kat: I did that before T's wedding
me: oh, you can just leave early :)
kat: I cannot
me: suuuure you can :)
kat: I cannot leave the backer early
kat: will not
me: :)
kat: which you know damn well
me: oh, you'll be fine this time
kat: don't even
kat: I know you're a bad influence
me: baaaaaaacker
me: "...never even call me by myyy naaay-eeeeem"
kat: I'm getting M*A*R*R*I*E*D!
me: "...cause at least I know I'm freeeeee..."
kat: believe me, this and being in labor are about the only times when I refuse to consider 'backer

"...do you think a gig is enough?"
"A gig should be fine."
"And then upgrade the hard drive..." -sideline chatter during the flag football game between my lab and a rival lab

"So was I arguing with you about something, or was I telling you about my dad's job?" -Erin C

"I'm raising my cup up. We're at your... we're at your two o'clock to your left." -Kestner helping me find the group at the highlands Octoberfest
"Two o'clock to your left makes no sense, asshole." -me

"It's like Imax, but with scotch." -Kestner's reaction to the Johnny Walker "journery experience"

KatieM: I have some very lovely jiggers

"That's one of my pubes." -Alan

"Babe, take my tampons out of your nose." -Jen to Alan

"See, I don't have a penis hole to do that." -Jen

"Is it infected?" -Tara
"I don't see any red lines headed towards your heart yet." -John
"I heard something about a hooker." -me

"May I hold one of Alan's balls?" -John
"No, you may not." -Tara

"I love you, but your nipples are wet." -Jen

"Hairy nipples do not affect me." -Jen

"Look whose f---ing nipples are all wet." -Jen

"We didn't grope, we pseudo-groped." -Jen
"It was softcore porn." -Alan

"Hello!" -some girl
"Avast! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day!" -some guy
"Oh god."

"You remember that long story I didn't tell you yesterday?" -me
"No." -Kat
"The one I didn't tell you."
"Oh, yeah yeah."

"I can't very well shit forward, can I?" -Shuo

"Anyways, can you do me a favor and see if you or your dad or anyone can get extra tickets for the GT game, cause we would really like to come down for that and eat your food and drink your booze, but y'know, it'll be fun. I'm just calling to see if you know anyone, put us on the list of people who are looking to get tickets, and remember you were in our wedding, so um... you owe us." -Snow's voicemail asking for ND-GT tickets

"Beer is so delicious." -Erin S.

"I'm hammered. I'm hammered, buddy! (tapping a pledge on the shoulder) I'm hammered!" -frat guy across the street from our tailgate

green: i'm easy
green: once you've earned my trust

"I thought Bermuda was like a warlock's place, I didn't think it was real." -Katie

"It's like a flux capacitor." -guy in GT library
"Like they used to have for time travel in... what's that movie called?" -girl

"Oh, HERE are my pants." -Chung at lab

lyrics in Tubey's profile for TWoP
green: oh, it's just some epic poem, right?
me: that's Billy Joel's The Stranger



Texts from people:
"Were here-the whole city smells like a wet sock" - mikey in NO,LA

Green texts me something
"Can't talk. Flying" - me
"I... am confused. are you high?"
respond with camera-phone picture out the plane's window
"You bitch. cant wait to hear about it. tonight: beer or food and beer?"

"p.s. Remind me to tell you about my dream that involved a drunk baby pouring beers" -KatieM

"I just shot gunned a beer with my grandma" -KatieM

"Hey, sorry for the late response. i simply had concerns that midtown was gay" -Adam

"GusterJust did the rap from revenge of the nerds... And had it translated into sign language" -Snow

"Lead singer of flaming lips came on stage in a hamster ball and then rolled into the crowd! Band dressed as bat man n captain america. Best. Concert. Ever." -Snow

"Soon enough i'll hit the sauce and give kestner's mom the attention she deserves." -Ryan

"lol it involved an old lady crossing the road and a corn fed harvest mouse" -Diana

"I love you dude. I mean that in a hetero way" -Sean

"Bon jovi starts on motherf---ing time, bitch." -Green



And voicemails I haven't posted yet:
Crowley , what’s up, it’s Booter, giving you a call to say hi. You know, I’m trying to give you a call before midnight this week. Ah, and I ­wanted a chance to touch base… I was gonna say catch-base, you know, catch up with you, touch base, I’ll pick, I’ll pick, uh… touch base, that’s kinda what I was gonna do, um, anyway I’m on my way to a worthless meeting so feel free to give me a call in the middle of it, leave me some sort of inspirational message telling me I can do it, I just need to press on, and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. Of course, Christmas isn’t for nine months from now. But actually, if you think about it, this is theoretically when Jesus was conceived, which is not the Immaculate Conception. Of course, we don’t really know when Jesus was born, we just kinda lump it together with the secular holiday, the greek holiday of Father Christmas, but you know, we wanted to kinda create an amalgam of the two traditions. I guess you could say that Jesus was probably conceived around Lent. Which is pretty hard, considering it was Lent too. I dunno. It kind of begs the question of, could Jesus really be conceived during Lent? I mean it’s forty days of fasting, right? In theory? That’s where we get the forty days from. Well, forty days comes from a lot of the biblical stuff. And technically this was like when Jesus was, y’know, starting to do a whole bunch of stuff, but how could he be doing a whole bunch of stuff when he’s still in the womb? Or I mean, he’s just a little… maybe that’s the anti-abortion, ah, movement, is that I mean look at Jesus, he was conceived and he was already, y’know, miracles and he was crucified just a couple months later. It’s like, crazy, wow. Um. So, hope you enjoyed that. If I suddenly stop talking, a lightning bolt has come and zapped me. Although I’m in my car, so hopefully it wouldn’t totally kill me, but I think if God wanted to he... yeah, he could. I’m gonna go with that, the whole lightning bolt. Hopefully not, though, hopefully God knows I’m just kidding. Hopefully you know I was just kidding. So yeah, I just found a trend, leading random messages, so hopefully you enjoyed it. Take care, buddy. Peace.
-Booter

Alright, so I’ve been completely demasculinized because my wife is currently sitting on the couch texting everyone she knows about how she just saw Brady Quinn on the elevator, and how, and how like they were this close to making out and falling in love and running off and making lots of little strong-armed babies. So... (Erin says something) OH MY GOD, WOMAN! Jesus, you’re like... everyone she knows is getting texted! Even you! And why do you care? You’re a man. Though, you know, even men can get lost in Brady’s dreamy eyes. (Erin says something) I don’t know if my sister knows who Brady Quinn is. Jesus! I mean seriously, I’m like shrinking up as is. Anyways, hope... Oh my god, she’s seriously sending it to everyone in her phone book. Hope Mountain Goats is good, and I will probably be giving you a call tomorrow. Drop the phone, woman, come on! Someone has to love me best! Ok, bye Crowley . (Erin says something) Oh, go to hell.
-Snow

"Bon voyage, mouse-bitch!" - May '06 - August '06

=== Beach Vacation ===
A family discussion turns to how, when I was a baby, I'd just lay there and flap my limbs instead of learning to crawl or whatever (which led my mom to suspect I was a little "slow"):
"Little did we know, that was a precursor to your quest for flight." -Aunt Laurie

Mom describes the role she played as the older sister to eight boys and another girl:
"I was, uh... I was GESTAPO!"

Discussing how often I'd wander off and get lost as a child:
"Danny, you got that from your Uncle Billy. They used to put him in a harness and tie him to a dog run. Seriously!" -Aunt Laurie

"I'm a human D.U.I." -Jimmy

"Spiderman! If I were Jewish, I'd be Spiedermann." -Katie

"Uncle Neil was a bad motherf---er when we were young." -Jimmy

"We were talking about how intoxicated we are, and I said I wasn't quite drunk enough not to talk to Aunt Laurie." -Chris

"Kumbayah my ass. I love it." -Uncle Neil with the winning Cranium answer

"Asshole is a good enough game to play even if for some reason you aren't drinking." -Chris
"Like if you have to drive around nuns that night for some reason." -Katie
Aunt Laurie, who'd been brushing Katie's hair, gives it a yank.
"Aaah! Because they don't like being driven drunk!" -Katie

"Chris, take a drink for worshipping the wrong god." -Mike B.

=== Poker Night ===
"Wait a minute, I thought I was playing 21! ...I'm NOT!" -Mom

"You know what, I feel bad, 'cause I was lying." -Mom, apologizing for bluffing

"Pocket pair? ...oh, that means he has a pair in his pants." -Mom

"Danny, I'm not gonna be able to talk if you keep doing this." -Mom, after I wrote down the pocket-pair comment

"Ok, dummy... eight... nine... queen..." -Mom, dealing the flop while narrating
"Did you guys really play like this?" -Mike C.

"Two pair." -Laura
"Oh, I just have a king." -Mom
"...you have three of a kind, Mom." -me
"I do?" -Mom

"I did! I had three pair! Why didn't I win?" -Angela

"She was bluffing, and she went all-in to call." -Mikey
"What's wrong with that?" -Mom

=== End of Poker Night ===

"Do you have proper punctuation on your blog?" -Katie to me
"Why are you looking at me?" -Mom to Katie
"Proper punctuation means naked people." -me to Mom
"Why do you have naked people on your blog?!" -Mom

Responding to Mike B.'s compliment:
"I'm glad it's a badass salad. Makes me happy." -Mom

"Whose room has the magnetic utensil holder?" -Mike B.
"Me." -me
"I shit in your bathroom."

"I know, I know, I put my underwear up on the flagpole." -Drew on the phone to Pat

Mike B. makes a $20 bet with Mike C. that he (B) will have a kid before any of the rest of us. Mike C. turns to the porchful of 15yr-old girls who are next door for a birthday party:
"Who wants to make nineteen dollars?"

"Yes, I'm tanner than Drew! I've been trying to do this for ten year!" -EJ

"That's getting you back for last year, when you said that's the palest you've ever seen me." -EJ

"I don't understand some of the things I say sometimes." -Drew

"Who are these fat people?" -Drew, looking at EJ's pictures
"If that's me, I'm gonna be pissed." -Katie

"We saw your MySpace page tonight... No way, no way could you have too many icons. It looked nice." -Katie on the phone with Mike B's girlfriend

"It's really hard to drink out of this Twizzler." -Katie

"You're giving me that look like I'm a worthless piece of shit." -Drew
Later:
"Michael, did I ever call you a worthless piece of shit?" -Mom
"Yeah, Mom, I got an A- on a piece of paper." -Mikey

"We have an asthma drug that's proven to kill more African-Americans than whites, but only a few." -Katie
=== End of Beach Quotes ===

KatieM: and you have to be careful about hitting on everyone
KatieM: It makes you less likely to be successful with anyone
me: word gets around, yes
KatieM: That's why I keep my tramp-like ways a secret

Kat: mmmm, balls

"Notre Dame? Dan suffers when they lose, and I like to see other people suffer." -Kestner

KatieM: Now you know what it's like to be a woman's leg
KatieM: Not that I'm sure men should know what that's like . . .

"Danny always listened to this music, didn't he? In his car? What's it called, 'scab'?" -Mom, when Mike was listening to Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes

"What can I say, Crowley. You're my Egon." -Snow

"...and she's really hard to call out, 'cause she's got that sassy blackness that she throws in your face." -Bhuan
"You just don't know how to handle it." -Spencer

"Pull on it and I'll tell you if it hurts." -Nando with a new lip-stud
"I don't want to pull on it." -Lauren
"I'll pay you ten dollars right now."
"I don't want ten dollars!"
"Ok, then pull it for free!"

"Do it. Slowly, and if it hurts I'll say OW. You can do it harder." -Nando
"I don't want to pull it harder." -Hayley

"Excuse me, are you a chick?" -Raphael, Duffy's old roommate
"I feel like one now. My vagina just exploded." -Anthony

"You don't like head? What's wrong with you?" -Gina

"When I come on to you, you'll know it." -Spam to Bhuan

"You're a violent son of a bitch." -me
"Yes I (hic) am... that made me sound so much less malicious." -Ryan

"Hit me!" -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"Because of the hiccups."
hit
"No, HIT me, you pussy!"
HIT
"Ow! Not with your fist!"

"Wisconsiiiiiin... they're the f---ing... cheese... guys." -drunk girl who sat down at our table at Limerick
"Cheese HEADS." -Kestner

"I'm gonna hit Dan with a chair. ...I think he's on to me." -Pirate
"Huh?" -me
"What?"

"We're popping all kinds of your cherries tonight." -Ryan
"Whose cherries?" -Adam
"Yours."
"Mine? Why?"

"You know, I was pretty upset about not going over there, but since I got to accidentally touch Susan's boob? It was pretty good." -Adam

"This is a red-headed slut. Ever had one of them?" -Ryan
"No." -Adam
"Cherry number two." -Ryan
"You'll be very sore at the end of the night." -Kestner

"Kriiiiiiistin... you're nauuuuuughty." -Lexie, for reasons unknown

"So I immediately cut myself off, carry her off the floor with her crying in my arms, and her Marine dad decides whether or not he needs to kill me." -Mothball

Green: it's just a funny story that the president of the university will probably associate my name with penis if she ever sees it again

"Of all the places that we went, if there was one city where I thought we got scammed, it was the Vatican." -Dad describing his trip to Italy

"What'd you just say? ...Oh. I thought you just flirted with me. ...Hello?" -Guy on cellphone

=== John & Tara's Wedding ===
"Look at you guys with your real vests, who don't have to deal with elastic straps in the back." -Ben
"Shut up and put on your bib." -Doug

"I'm bigger than all of you put together." -Ben
"That sounds like a challenge." -John
"You could form Voltron and I'd still defeat you."

"You motherf---ers turn your f---ing phones off, or..." -Ben imitating the priest, while sitting in the limo two feet in front of the flower girl

"No, I'd definitely put shoes before puppies." -Therese, after I suggested her value system went babies, puppies, shoes.

"Percocet kicked in. Life is good." -Erin

From across the room:
"Hey John! You're MARRIED!" -Doug, who then snapped a picture of John's face

"I'm performing my duties as a bridesmaid and making sure she got to pee ok." -Manda

While attaching condoms to John's car:
"You should blow them up!" -Manda
"I'm not putting my f---ing lips on any goddamn condoms." -Doug
=== End of Wedding Quotes ===

"It's very artistic, just how many ways you can chop up the human body and make it look good." -Joe, about the "Bodies" exhibit

Kat: you are a good way to waste time

KatieM: I often wonder if my view of dating is anywhere near being in line with the rest of the world
me: better than most, probably
KatieM: Oh honey, you didn't go to ND law
KatieM: it's where social skills go to die

KatieM: I'm good at having low standards
KatieM: It's the only way to make friends in law school

"Why did you put his hat in your pants?" -me
"If you had a hat, would you want it in my pants?" -Pirate

What I said:
"Tell Erin that Ashley's pissed off that she hasn't heard from her in a while, and she just graduated."
What Snow heard:
"Tell Erin that Ashley just crapped."

"Should we interview him together, or will that be too intimidating?" -Elena
"No, I prefer the gang-rape." -Peter

"And we'd get balls signed by Darryl Strawberry, back when that was cool.' -Amaris

"Hi, honey." -Donovan, answering his phone in the strip club

"I touched a stripper's penis!" -Drunken Tara

"The stripper put his hand on my penis." -Tara

"I'm getting maaaaaaa-ried!" -Tara, yelling out the car window

"John, you're the best Hans ever." -Therese

"I can't see through my hair." -Becky

"If you don't marry Mandie, you'll marry ME." -Becky to me

"Somebody ate my penis." -Tara
"I did!" -Becky

"Dan, if you don't marry John, and you don't marry Mandie, you're gonna marry me.' -Becky

"Those are the realest boobs in the place." -John

"I'll move back now so you guys can concentrate, because I'm seeing six roads and you're probably only seeing three." -Becky, while we were on a two-lane road

"Dan and John are getting married. If my sister pukes on me I'll never forgive her." -Tara

"And my sister's lying in my crotch, she loves my crotch." -Tara

"I love my sister, I'm feeling up her boobs." -Tara
"I'm gonna pee my pants!" -Becky

Green: yeah, the bunny? i was sure was a baby toy
me: i can safely say i didn't look at that and think, "cock ring"
Green: and you should feel good about that

"Tell him not to drive, tell him I'm gonna get him f---ed-up drunk." -Susan from Limerick about Adam W.

"I got it on with two engaged chicks last night!" -Paul

"Are you putting your straw in my butter?" -girl sitting next to Gibeau at T's reception
"Yeah, sorry." -Gibeau

"My friend licked the pole. She's not dead, either. She's pregnant, but she's not dead." -Gibeau, talking about the Backer

"Where were you in '92? Cause I was in fifth grade." -Kristin
"I was a sophomore in high school." -Kestner

"The woman looks like one of those toy monkeys playing the drums." -Diana

"It sucks to be thirty. I don't recommend it." -Kestner

"Oh dear God, don't lick me! I don't know what you have on your tongue." -Diana, about her experience at the Pony

"The carbonation probably wouldn't work in space, so you'd have to get like dried beer or something." -Ashley, talking about a moon rocket that served alcohol

"You're a salt-monger." - January '06 - May '06

"I need some buffalo wings and then I'll drink your ass under the table... some buffalo wings." -Lindsay's brother

"He'll say whatever comes out of his mouth." -Lindsay

"Sweet piece of skeet-skeet!" -Lindsay's brother

kat: ohhhhhhh
kat: ohhhh it's good
kat: love it
kat: every time
While watching ND football highlights

A bit later:
kat: it's almost orgasmic
kat: no, not almost

"Putting you on the ground was necessary. Kicking you in the ass was fun." -Pirate

"Did you just lose your car for ten seconds?" -me
"No, I just lost me for a second. I knew where my car was the whole time." -Ryan

"Every time you punch him in the balls, it spills my beer!" -Guy at the next table to Gina (who was trying to hit Kestner)

"Kestner has one mode: hard and inaccurate." -Pirate

"Susan is a great waitress. Very..." -Ryan
"She's a real tease." -Adam

"FYI, I'm not having Bhuan's babies so he could stay in the country, end of story." -Gina

"That was all gooey and nasty... that was really gross." -Ryan to Gina
"What are you reaching down..." -Adam, trailing off

"Ok, are you ready? It's time for shaking like a Poloroid picture." -Waiter at Benihana

"So who's hung oooooover? Whoooo's hung oooover? Is Crowley hung over? Is he? Is he? I bet he iiiiiis! Sounded like he was well on his way yesterday, ha ha ha. Anyway bro, just giving you a call 'cause I figured you'd be hung over and it'd be funny. And if you're not hung over, bravo. Though chugging Guinness that late in the night, you've gotta be hurting." -Voicemail from Snow calling at 10am the morning after I passed quals.

"Hey Crowley, you better not be able to answer your phone because you're making out with the bartender from Limerick (who is female, so everyone's on the same page). Whoooo! Yeah, you know why? Because that's what f---ing PhD candidates do! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! You passed the motherf---ing qualifiers! Yeuh. Whoooo! Go Crowley go, go go Crowley go!..." -Voicemail from Booter the night I passed quals

"I love her laugh, it's such a Betty Rubble laugh... the Betty Rubble laugh of intimidation." -Susie K.

"See, you guys debate how airplanes do what they do. I debate the proper placement of a chair rail." -Gina

Text message from Sean, a high school physics teacher:
So I accidentally said the word schlong during class today

"No, I mean kick backwards, like if you squeeze down on its balls it'll kick you. You know what I'm talking about. You guys ever been to New Hampshire?" -Mark, talking about horses.

"See, this is why I could never be anorexic. I love food too much." -DianaT

Text message conversation with Pirate when I first skipped Limerick to study for quals:
Pirate: Told susan youre at the darkhorse
me: Tell her I've found a pretty brunette waitress named Erin who I plan on tipping extravagantly.
Pirate: Dont come back here (susan)
me: That's awesome. Damn quals.
Pirate: Our bill is 120, thankssss
me: So we finally had to pay for all those end-of-the-night shots. And by we, I mean "not me."
Pirate: Susan's sad, come say hi.
me: That's just plain underhanded.
Pirate: Yes, hurry over
Not long afterwards, Pirate dials my number and hands the phone to Susan (our regular waitress) so she can try to talk me into coming.

"For reference, I turn twenty-five this year and I feel old." -me
"F---ass. Bastard." -Kestner

"I can't cry for Bambi. Deer's too tasty." -Alex, during a quals study session

"Two years from now, Ben will be married, and his wife will be four months pregnant... and Mormon." -Ryan (March 31, 2006)
"Um, he will be Mormon, or his pregnant wife?" -me
"Both." -Jeff M. and Ryan, simultaneously

"If I were half the man Dan is, I'd be a butch-ass dyke." -Gina while on painkillers, after half a beer at Manuel's

Ryan's away message:
Q: What mixes well with tequila?
A: Me, motherf---er!

kat: no come back, I want to hold you

Passed on by Bhuan, about cat hair:
"Let me just rub myself on you until it gets off." -Marco to Ben

Trying to goad me into drinking another "last" beer at Limerick:
"I'm still ahead of you." -Kestner
"You're used to working hung-over." -me
"...yeah?"

"You just have to avoid banging the sister. That would be awkward." -Ryan, about Snow having both a wife and a sister named Erin.

"Oh God, strike down this lab and everyone in it." -Ben while thinking about his special topics paper

Snow's text messages on St. Patrick's Day:
 Black 47 and guinness. giggity.
 God bless the irish.... and pass the beer
We just saw the best. live. drinking. concert. ever.
ps erin says dont make out w- ashley
pps the empire st building is green

"Come, sit next to me. I'm a cocoon." -Kristin to Vanessa

"It's almost as if you're high or something, and you're seeing... M&M's." -Vanessa

"Erin, I guess I'm not Irish, I don't have a green bra. ...Erin has a green water bra! Erin, that makes you sound very... earthy." -Ashley

Referencing guys at Bulldog's, a local gay bar:
"You know all they do is work out and have sex with each other." -Jarrod
"I wish girls did that." -Steve T.

"Oh God, the carbonation got me. And it burned!" -Ashley

"He's cheating, he's cheating! Do you cheat in PhD school too?!" -Ashley

"What are you, European?" -Shuo
"Asian." -Sid
"You're subcontinental."

"My pants are still on, FYI." -Ashley

"Congratulations, you're watching porn!" -Phillip
"It's not porn!" -Gina
"It's cross-sectional porn." -me
"It's not porn, it's science!" -Gina

"If you see the safety on the left side of the gun, it can fire. Pow! If you see the safety on the right side of the gun, it can't fire. Pow! Whoops." -Referee/Instructor at the paintball field

"Laurel got shot in the mouth. She said it didn't taste very good." -Joe

"Was that Laurel I nailed in the ass?" -Bhuan

"You were the one who got your pants ripped off. I don't think you really get an opinion." -Ryan to Bhuan

"I've been creeped out by clowns for a while, so I may be biased." -me
"I am too, but I get to bite into this one's face." -Gina

At the dueling pianos bar:
"I like the guy we can't see." -me
"That's because he's not slapping his ass." -Diana

"I've decided to institute psychological warfare against Nick." -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"That's a very odd first question to ask. I would've gone with what instead of why. Uh... I don't really have an answer for that."

"Dude, is your cell phone ring just some guy yelling?" -me
"It's Redman. It's a good song." -Ryan (disputed)
"You're white. Let's go." -Ben

"You might as well put a blind retard in a round room and tell him to hit the corner." -Ehren

"They'd have to use what the British test pilots euphemistically called the Hawker Shallow Dive, which was full power straight down." -Skunk Works chief test pilot, speaking to GT AIAA

"Only my dog would pick the most phallic toy available." -Gina

"There's a big difference between women who were born on a farm and girls who look like livestock." -Jarrod

"Catholics can't read, I don't know if you know." -Marco

"Gotta sell your soul for something. Might as well be good Powerpoint." -Jarrod

"We can take passengers, because I truly don't like to see DD's on the road." -Diane

"So I kept beating this guy with my baton and he wouldn't die, which is what upset me." -Ryan, about a bad dream involving a guy stealing parts off his bike as he watched.

"Hey Crowley, what's going on? Oh my God, you are a total f---hole. Not you, Crowley, this jackass who just tried to cut around everyone in line. Yield! Goddamn these people are stupid. Where are you going?! What the hell, you're going to get around me! It's a merge! What the f---? Yeah, that's right, stay behind me! Oh shit, Crowley! Hey! Uh... so yeah, people can't drive. Sorry. Anyways, calling to see what's up, it's been a while, uh... sorry about the profanity. I'll catch you later. Bye." -Voicemail from Snow

"He's Da-an, Da-an,
You never know what
He'll write down next...
Da-an, Da-an
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-out-of-context." -Ben

"Somewhere down the line, someone has to die because of something I've made." -Ryan

"Actually, I do have a spare copy of my pocket Constitution. Maybe if you're good you'll get one for Valentine's Day." -Diane

"You're a neutral observer." -Ryan
"I'm a belligerent observer who's gonna kneecap you when you come over for more logs." -Ehren

"Is bacon really a food? I don't think it is." -Ehren
"What else would it be?" -Bhuan
"...condiment?"

"Never use a public outhose in Alabama. The VD will rise up and punch you in the face." -Ryan

"I'm turning myself like a rotisserie." -Lindsay

"My toes are nice and toas... burning." -Bhuan

"Can you smack me really hard?" -Lindsay to Johann

"Now if that is second base, where would... never mind." -Diane

"I stop thinking when you talk." -Diane

erin: Gues what? Lots if not most of those companies (in my work profile) have offices in DC or Northern VA -- woo hoo . . . the Crowley machine is moving to DC
erin: ps jeff says wink wink nudge nudge get your hot ass up here
erin: ok, I added the hot part

erin: and let's get back to you screwing jeremy piven

"Wrestling means sex!" - New Years 05-06

"Booter, guess what's in the oven, have you heard?" -Erin
"A bun?" -Sean
Erin kicks him.

"Would you like me to open my mouth and show you what I'm eating?" -Snow

"My brother got this game called Shadow of the Hedgehog. It's pretty cool. It's like... you're a hedgehog." -Sean

"Can you make a list of what we can and cannot do with your sister?" -Sean

"Crowley, you want to help me tap this?" -Jeff

"Booter, why are you exuding fuzzies?" -Erin

"Why would you eat a big red candle?! It makes no sense!" -Erin

"I love the penii." -Erin

"It... exacerbates the situation." -Booter
"You had to think about that one, didn't you, bitch?" -Snow
"No, I had to not burp like a Mongol."

"You just head-butted my boob!" -Erin

"I had to take care of thirty chickens, fuckers." -Steph

"So the father left Emergency Chicken instructions." -Steph

"I just dropped turkey down my bra. It was delicious. It was, try it!" -Erin

"I have freakishly strong hands." -Steph

"You jumped on him, straddled..." -EPrime

"You go shower, hon. And you go shower, sis. I'm gonna stay here and fart in front of Booter." -Snow

"Danke schon." -me
"Is it strange that I thought you just said donkeyshit?" -Snow

Sean said "Snow, can I have some assistance?"
Snow heard "Snow, can I have your sister?"

"Oh, that's Booter's flabby boob. I just had turkey dribbled on me." -Erin

"Booter's magic penis won't reach across the bed!" -Erin

"I'm gonna go spoon with Booter and see if he wakes up." -Erin

"Crowley, I thought that was you snoring." -Booter
"You thought what was me snoring?" -me
"The chainsaw outside."

"Hey, twenty-nine inches. Beat it." -Booter

"Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife..." -Snow
"Doing your sister?" -me
"Screw them all." -EPrime

"Except I'm not married to my brother, cause that'd be weird." -EPrime

"Get a little head with that, Booter." -Erin
"It's hard!" -Sean

"You're pinking today." -Sean to Erins

"Stop stealing my bits!" -Snow
"Stop stealing Dick Van Dyke's bits!" -Sean

"That was the hardest tickle I ever had in my entire life." -Booter
"I wasn't tickling." -Snow

"What do you have when you have nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?" -Booter
"Chin nuts?"
"You got a dick in your mouth." -Booter
"Booter, let's cuddle!" -Erin

"Booter, don't ever bend over in front of me!" -Erin

About Rocky Horror Picture Show
"You're a virgin! They ostracize you people!" -Steph

"I hate Riley." -Steph
"Why do you hate Riley?"
"He's just such a pussy."

"Bad Booter! Suck it, suck it!" -Erin
"It won't go down!" -Sean

"Crowley, we know you're big and obstructive. Now move." -Snow

Erin helps Steph write emails to ditch work after the Buffy power-hour
"Double exclamation marks make you sound too perky." -Erin
later
"I called out sick! Fuck!" -Steph

"Get me some beer, bitches!" -Steph

"What, what? I did a candle? I would've onle done a candle once, first of all." -Erin

"You know what's annoying, is that Crowley never writes down the stupid shit HE says." -Erin

"So your brother's penis goes into her cooch." -Sean
"Oh my god." -EPrime

Sean spits a little on the table
"He just hocked on the table." -Erin
"He just loogied up your lacquer." -me

"My bottom hurts, because of the pole!" -Erin on the couch

"We got them poker chips, the least they could do is get us some whores." -Booter

"You know I hate head!" -Erin

"We're at your whim." -Booter
"Alright, bend over." -Erin

"Swooomp... that's the sound a schism makes." -Sean

Erin slaps Sean so hard in the ass that he falls down
"Ow, balls, that hurt!" -Sean
"Balls? Where?" -Snow
"On my back."

"Man, that was a hell of a slap, Erin!" -Sean
"My hand kinda hurts." -Erin

"I drank grape juice instead." -Booter
"You drank what?" -Snow
"Grape juice."
"You mean wine?"
"Oh, yeah."

"I'm straddling Booter! He's pulling me down on top of him!" -Erin
"Alright, knock it off, you're getting too close to the TV!" -Snow

"To Jeff's small penis!" -Courtney, the first toast of New Years

"Jeff, I broke our computer with a virus!" -Courtney
"Crowley, I have herpes!" -Sean

"Ew, I just got spittle in my eyeball." -Erin

"I'm dressing up like a crazy whore. It's my crazy-whore dress from college." -Courtney

"Get a shot, we'll do it on the dance floor, we'll make out. Oh, with other people." -Sean

"I want to be easy, I'm gonna drink these." -Erin

Didn't personally witness this on the way out of the party, but I couldn't leave it out
"Booter, you should leave your drink inside." -Erin
"Who are you sleeping with tonight?" -Sean
"...Jeff?"
"EXACTLY!"
Booter holds onto his drink.

"We are, we're tidy booters." -Sean

"The banana whetted my appetite, now can you bring me something else that's delicious?" -Erin

"Snow, can you come back in a minute?" -me
"Crowley, can you eat my ass?" -Snow
"Only after he eats his banana!" -Erin

"Ow, oh my god! You just shocked my ass like eight times!" -Erin

"Poor little Max has been through a lot this weekend, his little horn no longer goes up." -Erin

"Oh, and we've gotta watch Christmas Vacation." -me
"And play that... sex game." -EPrime

Playing -Battle of the Sexes-
"Oooh, I've become more effeminate, maybe that'll help." -Sean

"You told me about that game, where you could kill, marry, or fuck 'em." -Erin

"Have you heard about the guy who does that comic, but he can't draw so he uses clip art?' -Erin
"Are you talking about your husband?" -me
"This guy is really funny though."

"Oh shit, damn, balls, fuck, let's go." -Erin

"But you weren't on top of me and Jeff senior year, you were only on top of us junior year. Senior year you were on top of Erin2 and Crowley..." -Erin

"Snow, why am I about to fellate you?" -Sean

"So how do you win?" -Sean
"You fuck all the right people." -Erin
"There's no fucking!" -EPrime
"Shit!" -Erin

"We had a discussion about this, that Beverly D'Angelo is like the only older woman that people would... that people feel attracted to." -Sean

"Kill marry fuck!" -Sean
"It's so much fun!" -Erin

"They have the instructions for the actual World-Wide-Fucking? Booter, you bring out the dirty side of me." -Erin

"Why in the world would you fuck Loni Anderson?" -Erin to Snow

"I think I'd kick the shit out of her if she was my sibling." -Erin on Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

"I thought you'd totally f--- the shit out of Bob Barker, he's so virile." -Sean

"I nailed you, Erin." -Me

"I f---ed Lillith, but that's it." -Erin

"I don't know enough about her to get behind her." -me

"I like Fran Drescher, I like her accent." -Sean
"ACCENT?" -me

"Oh, that's the meniscus." -me
"That sounds like a menorah, but dirty." -Erin


After the weekend:
"Your quotes from this year used the f-word a lot more." -Ashley

"I'm gonna pray for you, that you're not the devil." - October '05 to December '05

"You guys are like the Spartans here." -Doc
"What does that mean?" -Pat
"Work... exercise... pretty soon you're gonna be running naked out there."

"I just want to stab him so vigorously the knife would catch fire." -Bhuan

"He could probably eat his own shit and still be famous." -Gina (about Tom Cruise?)

"De-virginized!" -Kristin

"I know that you're no match for my squirminess." -Diane

"Mrs. Donnelly says we all have big heads because we have to fit so much brains in there." -Mom
"I don't have a big head." -my sister
Nobody responds.

"I don't want to see the penis, I just want to see the rest." -Cindy

"They're all gonna have an orgy now. Ew, no, don't touch me!" -Carrie

"Screw you!" -me
"Screw me all you want." -Green

"ROMANKIEWICZ!" -Green

"Your brother and I tend to float to the same kind of people. You? Guido-fest down the road." -Carrie

"By the way, I want you to know, I decided you're not the devil so I won't call you that." -Diane

"I'm putting my hat back on." -Ben P.
"Don't do it, you'll look like a penis!" -Leah

"Imagine if mutants actually had cool powers... instead of, like, Downs Syndrome." -Ben (quoted by Ryan)

"Yeah, I suck." -Diane
I laugh.
"NOT in any way that would benefit you..."

"I also just always hated stuffing things into my ears." -Diane

"By hanging out with her, it reminds me to keep my own vices in check." -Diane about her friend Charity

"Make bond while adhesive is aggressively tacky." -spray mount instructions

"So management, huh?" -me teasing a girl playing a drinking game
"No, I'm smart, I'm just drunk." -Ann

"I'm gonna pray for you, that you're not the devil." -Diane

kat: you're not the devil
kat: you're evil, but not the devil
kat: maybe a minion

"Go spoon the anus of the turkey." -Kristin

"Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck." -Kristin

"If I don't neet to use her, I can pass her to you." -Sean abt Hughes as a New Years' date

"I smack her around all the time." -Mike B.
"You're the only one who can smack me around." -Kristin

"When all else fails, use your mouth." -Gina

"How can you tell she's a slut?" -Gina
"It's a matter of open-mind-edness." -me
"Open-something-else-edness." -Ryan

Talking about Thanksgiving preparations
"How many people are going?" -Mom
"No clue." -me
"How many are girls?"
"No clue."
"Because they don't eat the potatoes, because of the carbs."
"Really? That's dumb."
"I know."

"First rule of papal conclave: do not talk about papal conclave." -Spam

"Dan, I think your stick's getting curvy." -Spam

"You got a haircut, didn't you? Your head looks smaller."
later
"You're like a Chia." -Gina

"Pack those bags, get things started, get ready to get drunk 'cause it's your turn to go down this year, big boy, and that's gonna be a mission." -Snow's voicemail about New Years' plans

"Why are vectors and tensors so important? Why are we washing your brain with this nonsense?"
and
"This operation is a sin against tensor analysis." -Dr. Bauchau

"If it was me, I'd run her off the road, but I'm a crockpot of testosterone." -Bhuan

"You're trying to have a moment over my back, over my shoulder." -Marco

"I tried to kick the donkey, but the donkey was smarter than me and got away." -Snow describing his honeymoon

"PS- I'm still in detox, and I'm not allowed to drink anymore unless I can learn not to fall down." -text from Erin, post-LA

"When it comes down to it, we were always hammered." -best relationship epitaph ever

kat: ok, well it overflowed and spit out and I... nevermind

kat: given the choice, backer or sex (guaranteed safe and midget free), what would you pick?

"Violence is not the answer." -Jonathan
"Vionence is an answer..." -Brandon

"You just got poked, didn't you?" -me
"Really hard! It hurt!" -Lindsay

"I'm pretty sure Mexico City style is when you hit somebody until candy comes out of them." -Bhuan

"You licked me! And not in a good place!" -Ryan to Amy

"Doc said to me, I hear you're drunk, and I said yes, yes I am." -Erin M.

"I hear you made her cry." -me
"Oh-ho-ho!" -Doc
"And then he told me I couldn't get pregnant." -Erin M.

"When you go to grad school, you're just another brain on a stick." -Jorge Cham

bhuan: we indians have perfected the whole breeding profusely thing

kat: especially if you spent 5 of those hours chasing after a midget

"So what are you doing tonight?" - Washington DC, Oct. 21-23

text from Booter:
One more day until operation: annihilate liver. oh, and snow and erin getting hitched happens sometime too

"And then I can do your thingy that you did to me." -Sean

"I've got about eight bottles of Grey Goose on my shelf at home." -Tom
"F--- you!" -Eric

Eric looking at quotes I'd saved:
"You even wrote down the time of day?!" -Eric
"Those are my flights." -me

"Oh Jeff, take my pants off. I want to straddle you and make your beaver my face." -Borden

"I went to public school." -Jeff
"And look where it got you." -me
"Married." -Sean

"My mind is in the gutter. I saw Moby Dick and I started laughing." -Sean
"On the children's menu?!" -me
later, after the girls had arrived
"Why are you laughing?" -Sean
"I just looked at the children's menu again." -me
"Oh, is there anything good on there?" -Ashley
nobody replies, but all the guys laugh

"People don't put nuts in soup." -Sean

"Oral exams are hard." -Ashley
"It's a lot of pressure!" -ESnow

"Aw, dude, it's that stuff that you can't eat!" -Sean about dessicants

"The dog likes it in the can, I know this." -Borden

Borden relays his voicemails:
"The dog looks like it's going to-"
"The dog just shit on the bathmat."
"The dog just shit on the carpet and I think it has diarrhea."
"What the hell have you been feeding the dog?"

"...'cause every time I bend over I get something poking me in the back." -Erin
"Write that down!" -Eric
"I said back, not butt!" -Erin

"Crowley, give her a Moby Dick right now." -Eric

"Ok guys, in two minutes we'll be going into the other room, and all the bars in there won't open until 8." -Tom addressing the room
"Ooooooooh." -Booter, clearly audible

"Something about women - southern girls just don't like having their anuses referred to as turd-cutters." -Borden

"I felt like a pregnant hooker in that dress." -Lauren
"I know, you looked like a pregnant hooker too." -Anne

"I play both sides. I give him ideas and you weapons." -me
"Thank you, f-ing Reagan." -Booter

"Yeah, but I didn't drink out of the coffee pot." -Snow
"You drank out of the coffee pot." -me
"Did I? F-." -Snow

"That's the kind of woman you can't piss on." -Borden

"There were those pyramid things that serve some sort of... function." -Ashley
"I'm pretty sure they're skylights." -Erin
"When you're drunk it looks like Egypt."