"Bon voyage, mouse-bitch!" - May '06 - August '06
=== Beach Vacation ===
A family discussion turns to how, when I was a baby, I'd just lay there and flap my limbs instead of learning to crawl or whatever (which led my mom to suspect I was a little "slow"):
"Little did we know, that was a precursor to your quest for flight." -Aunt Laurie
Mom describes the role she played as the older sister to eight boys and another girl:
"I was, uh... I was GESTAPO!"
Discussing how often I'd wander off and get lost as a child:
"Danny, you got that from your Uncle Billy. They used to put him in a harness and tie him to a dog run. Seriously!" -Aunt Laurie
"I'm a human D.U.I." -Jimmy
"Spiderman! If I were Jewish, I'd be Spiedermann." -Katie
"Uncle Neil was a bad motherf---er when we were young." -Jimmy
"We were talking about how intoxicated we are, and I said I wasn't quite drunk enough not to talk to Aunt Laurie." -Chris
"Kumbayah my ass. I love it." -Uncle Neil with the winning Cranium answer
"Asshole is a good enough game to play even if for some reason you aren't drinking." -Chris
"Like if you have to drive around nuns that night for some reason." -Katie
Aunt Laurie, who'd been brushing Katie's hair, gives it a yank.
"Aaah! Because they don't like being driven drunk!" -Katie
"Chris, take a drink for worshipping the wrong god." -Mike B.
=== Poker Night ===
"Wait a minute, I thought I was playing 21! ...I'm NOT!" -Mom
"You know what, I feel bad, 'cause I was lying." -Mom, apologizing for bluffing
"Pocket pair? ...oh, that means he has a pair in his pants." -Mom
"Danny, I'm not gonna be able to talk if you keep doing this." -Mom, after I wrote down the pocket-pair comment
"Ok, dummy... eight... nine... queen..." -Mom, dealing the flop while narrating
"Did you guys really play like this?" -Mike C.
"Two pair." -Laura
"Oh, I just have a king." -Mom
"...you have three of a kind, Mom." -me
"I do?" -Mom
"I did! I had three pair! Why didn't I win?" -Angela
"She was bluffing, and she went all-in to call." -Mikey
"What's wrong with that?" -Mom
=== End of Poker Night ===
"Do you have proper punctuation on your blog?" -Katie to me
"Why are you looking at me?" -Mom to Katie
"Proper punctuation means naked people." -me to Mom
"Why do you have naked people on your blog?!" -Mom
Responding to Mike B.'s compliment:
"I'm glad it's a badass salad. Makes me happy." -Mom
"Whose room has the magnetic utensil holder?" -Mike B.
"Me." -me
"I shit in your bathroom."
"I know, I know, I put my underwear up on the flagpole." -Drew on the phone to Pat
Mike B. makes a $20 bet with Mike C. that he (B) will have a kid before any of the rest of us. Mike C. turns to the porchful of 15yr-old girls who are next door for a birthday party:
"Who wants to make nineteen dollars?"
"Yes, I'm tanner than Drew! I've been trying to do this for ten year!" -EJ
"That's getting you back for last year, when you said that's the palest you've ever seen me." -EJ
"I don't understand some of the things I say sometimes." -Drew
"Who are these fat people?" -Drew, looking at EJ's pictures
"If that's me, I'm gonna be pissed." -Katie
"We saw your MySpace page tonight... No way, no way could you have too many icons. It looked nice." -Katie on the phone with Mike B's girlfriend
"It's really hard to drink out of this Twizzler." -Katie
"You're giving me that look like I'm a worthless piece of shit." -Drew
Later:
"Michael, did I ever call you a worthless piece of shit?" -Mom
"Yeah, Mom, I got an A- on a piece of paper." -Mikey
"We have an asthma drug that's proven to kill more African-Americans than whites, but only a few." -Katie
=== End of Beach Quotes ===
KatieM: and you have to be careful about hitting on everyone
KatieM: It makes you less likely to be successful with anyone
me: word gets around, yes
KatieM: That's why I keep my tramp-like ways a secret
Kat: mmmm, balls
"Notre Dame? Dan suffers when they lose, and I like to see other people suffer." -Kestner
KatieM: Now you know what it's like to be a woman's leg
KatieM: Not that I'm sure men should know what that's like . . .
"Danny always listened to this music, didn't he? In his car? What's it called, 'scab'?" -Mom, when Mike was listening to Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes
"What can I say, Crowley. You're my Egon." -Snow
"...and she's really hard to call out, 'cause she's got that sassy blackness that she throws in your face." -Bhuan
"You just don't know how to handle it." -Spencer
"Pull on it and I'll tell you if it hurts." -Nando with a new lip-stud
"I don't want to pull on it." -Lauren
"I'll pay you ten dollars right now."
"I don't want ten dollars!"
"Ok, then pull it for free!"
"Do it. Slowly, and if it hurts I'll say OW. You can do it harder." -Nando
"I don't want to pull it harder." -Hayley
"Excuse me, are you a chick?" -Raphael, Duffy's old roommate
"I feel like one now. My vagina just exploded." -Anthony
"You don't like head? What's wrong with you?" -Gina
"When I come on to you, you'll know it." -Spam to Bhuan
"You're a violent son of a bitch." -me
"Yes I (hic) am... that made me sound so much less malicious." -Ryan
"Hit me!" -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"Because of the hiccups."
hit
"No, HIT me, you pussy!"
HIT
"Ow! Not with your fist!"
"Wisconsiiiiiin... they're the f---ing... cheese... guys." -drunk girl who sat down at our table at Limerick
"Cheese HEADS." -Kestner
"I'm gonna hit Dan with a chair. ...I think he's on to me." -Pirate
"Huh?" -me
"What?"
"We're popping all kinds of your cherries tonight." -Ryan
"Whose cherries?" -Adam
"Yours."
"Mine? Why?"
"You know, I was pretty upset about not going over there, but since I got to accidentally touch Susan's boob? It was pretty good." -Adam
"This is a red-headed slut. Ever had one of them?" -Ryan
"No." -Adam
"Cherry number two." -Ryan
"You'll be very sore at the end of the night." -Kestner
"Kriiiiiiistin... you're nauuuuuughty." -Lexie, for reasons unknown
"So I immediately cut myself off, carry her off the floor with her crying in my arms, and her Marine dad decides whether or not he needs to kill me." -Mothball
Green: it's just a funny story that the president of the university will probably associate my name with penis if she ever sees it again
"Of all the places that we went, if there was one city where I thought we got scammed, it was the Vatican." -Dad describing his trip to Italy
"What'd you just say? ...Oh. I thought you just flirted with me. ...Hello?" -Guy on cellphone
=== John & Tara's Wedding ===
"Look at you guys with your real vests, who don't have to deal with elastic straps in the back." -Ben
"Shut up and put on your bib." -Doug
"I'm bigger than all of you put together." -Ben
"That sounds like a challenge." -John
"You could form Voltron and I'd still defeat you."
"You motherf---ers turn your f---ing phones off, or..." -Ben imitating the priest, while sitting in the limo two feet in front of the flower girl
"No, I'd definitely put shoes before puppies." -Therese, after I suggested her value system went babies, puppies, shoes.
"Percocet kicked in. Life is good." -Erin
From across the room:
"Hey John! You're MARRIED!" -Doug, who then snapped a picture of John's face
"I'm performing my duties as a bridesmaid and making sure she got to pee ok." -Manda
While attaching condoms to John's car:
"You should blow them up!" -Manda
"I'm not putting my f---ing lips on any goddamn condoms." -Doug
=== End of Wedding Quotes ===
"It's very artistic, just how many ways you can chop up the human body and make it look good." -Joe, about the "Bodies" exhibit
Kat: you are a good way to waste time
KatieM: I often wonder if my view of dating is anywhere near being in line with the rest of the world
me: better than most, probably
KatieM: Oh honey, you didn't go to ND law
KatieM: it's where social skills go to die
KatieM: I'm good at having low standards
KatieM: It's the only way to make friends in law school
"Why did you put his hat in your pants?" -me
"If you had a hat, would you want it in my pants?" -Pirate
What I said:
"Tell Erin that Ashley's pissed off that she hasn't heard from her in a while, and she just graduated."
What Snow heard:
"Tell Erin that Ashley just crapped."
"Should we interview him together, or will that be too intimidating?" -Elena
"No, I prefer the gang-rape." -Peter
"And we'd get balls signed by Darryl Strawberry, back when that was cool.' -Amaris
"Hi, honey." -Donovan, answering his phone in the strip club
"I touched a stripper's penis!" -Drunken Tara
"The stripper put his hand on my penis." -Tara
"I'm getting maaaaaaa-ried!" -Tara, yelling out the car window
"John, you're the best Hans ever." -Therese
"I can't see through my hair." -Becky
"If you don't marry Mandie, you'll marry ME." -Becky to me
"Somebody ate my penis." -Tara
"I did!" -Becky
"Dan, if you don't marry John, and you don't marry Mandie, you're gonna marry me.' -Becky
"Those are the realest boobs in the place." -John
"I'll move back now so you guys can concentrate, because I'm seeing six roads and you're probably only seeing three." -Becky, while we were on a two-lane road
"Dan and John are getting married. If my sister pukes on me I'll never forgive her." -Tara
"And my sister's lying in my crotch, she loves my crotch." -Tara
"I love my sister, I'm feeling up her boobs." -Tara
"I'm gonna pee my pants!" -Becky
Green: yeah, the bunny? i was sure was a baby toy
me: i can safely say i didn't look at that and think, "cock ring"
Green: and you should feel good about that
"Tell him not to drive, tell him I'm gonna get him f---ed-up drunk." -Susan from Limerick about Adam W.
"I got it on with two engaged chicks last night!" -Paul
"Are you putting your straw in my butter?" -girl sitting next to Gibeau at T's reception
"Yeah, sorry." -Gibeau
"My friend licked the pole. She's not dead, either. She's pregnant, but she's not dead." -Gibeau, talking about the Backer
"Where were you in '92? Cause I was in fifth grade." -Kristin
"I was a sophomore in high school." -Kestner
"The woman looks like one of those toy monkeys playing the drums." -Diana
"It sucks to be thirty. I don't recommend it." -Kestner
"Oh dear God, don't lick me! I don't know what you have on your tongue." -Diana, about her experience at the Pony
"The carbonation probably wouldn't work in space, so you'd have to get like dried beer or something." -Ashley, talking about a moon rocket that served alcohol
A family discussion turns to how, when I was a baby, I'd just lay there and flap my limbs instead of learning to crawl or whatever (which led my mom to suspect I was a little "slow"):
"Little did we know, that was a precursor to your quest for flight." -Aunt Laurie
Mom describes the role she played as the older sister to eight boys and another girl:
"I was, uh... I was GESTAPO!"
Discussing how often I'd wander off and get lost as a child:
"Danny, you got that from your Uncle Billy. They used to put him in a harness and tie him to a dog run. Seriously!" -Aunt Laurie
"I'm a human D.U.I." -Jimmy
"Spiderman! If I were Jewish, I'd be Spiedermann." -Katie
"Uncle Neil was a bad motherf---er when we were young." -Jimmy
"We were talking about how intoxicated we are, and I said I wasn't quite drunk enough not to talk to Aunt Laurie." -Chris
"Kumbayah my ass. I love it." -Uncle Neil with the winning Cranium answer
"Asshole is a good enough game to play even if for some reason you aren't drinking." -Chris
"Like if you have to drive around nuns that night for some reason." -Katie
Aunt Laurie, who'd been brushing Katie's hair, gives it a yank.
"Aaah! Because they don't like being driven drunk!" -Katie
"Chris, take a drink for worshipping the wrong god." -Mike B.
=== Poker Night ===
"Wait a minute, I thought I was playing 21! ...I'm NOT!" -Mom
"You know what, I feel bad, 'cause I was lying." -Mom, apologizing for bluffing
"Pocket pair? ...oh, that means he has a pair in his pants." -Mom
"Danny, I'm not gonna be able to talk if you keep doing this." -Mom, after I wrote down the pocket-pair comment
"Ok, dummy... eight... nine... queen..." -Mom, dealing the flop while narrating
"Did you guys really play like this?" -Mike C.
"Two pair." -Laura
"Oh, I just have a king." -Mom
"...you have three of a kind, Mom." -me
"I do?" -Mom
"I did! I had three pair! Why didn't I win?" -Angela
"She was bluffing, and she went all-in to call." -Mikey
"What's wrong with that?" -Mom
=== End of Poker Night ===
"Do you have proper punctuation on your blog?" -Katie to me
"Why are you looking at me?" -Mom to Katie
"Proper punctuation means naked people." -me to Mom
"Why do you have naked people on your blog?!" -Mom
Responding to Mike B.'s compliment:
"I'm glad it's a badass salad. Makes me happy." -Mom
"Whose room has the magnetic utensil holder?" -Mike B.
"Me." -me
"I shit in your bathroom."
"I know, I know, I put my underwear up on the flagpole." -Drew on the phone to Pat
Mike B. makes a $20 bet with Mike C. that he (B) will have a kid before any of the rest of us. Mike C. turns to the porchful of 15yr-old girls who are next door for a birthday party:
"Who wants to make nineteen dollars?"
"Yes, I'm tanner than Drew! I've been trying to do this for ten year!" -EJ
"That's getting you back for last year, when you said that's the palest you've ever seen me." -EJ
"I don't understand some of the things I say sometimes." -Drew
"Who are these fat people?" -Drew, looking at EJ's pictures
"If that's me, I'm gonna be pissed." -Katie
"We saw your MySpace page tonight... No way, no way could you have too many icons. It looked nice." -Katie on the phone with Mike B's girlfriend
"It's really hard to drink out of this Twizzler." -Katie
"You're giving me that look like I'm a worthless piece of shit." -Drew
Later:
"Michael, did I ever call you a worthless piece of shit?" -Mom
"Yeah, Mom, I got an A- on a piece of paper." -Mikey
"We have an asthma drug that's proven to kill more African-Americans than whites, but only a few." -Katie
=== End of Beach Quotes ===
KatieM: and you have to be careful about hitting on everyone
KatieM: It makes you less likely to be successful with anyone
me: word gets around, yes
KatieM: That's why I keep my tramp-like ways a secret
Kat: mmmm, balls
"Notre Dame? Dan suffers when they lose, and I like to see other people suffer." -Kestner
KatieM: Now you know what it's like to be a woman's leg
KatieM: Not that I'm sure men should know what that's like . . .
"Danny always listened to this music, didn't he? In his car? What's it called, 'scab'?" -Mom, when Mike was listening to Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes
"What can I say, Crowley. You're my Egon." -Snow
"...and she's really hard to call out, 'cause she's got that sassy blackness that she throws in your face." -Bhuan
"You just don't know how to handle it." -Spencer
"Pull on it and I'll tell you if it hurts." -Nando with a new lip-stud
"I don't want to pull on it." -Lauren
"I'll pay you ten dollars right now."
"I don't want ten dollars!"
"Ok, then pull it for free!"
"Do it. Slowly, and if it hurts I'll say OW. You can do it harder." -Nando
"I don't want to pull it harder." -Hayley
"Excuse me, are you a chick?" -Raphael, Duffy's old roommate
"I feel like one now. My vagina just exploded." -Anthony
"You don't like head? What's wrong with you?" -Gina
"When I come on to you, you'll know it." -Spam to Bhuan
"You're a violent son of a bitch." -me
"Yes I (hic) am... that made me sound so much less malicious." -Ryan
"Hit me!" -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"Because of the hiccups."
hit
"No, HIT me, you pussy!"
HIT
"Ow! Not with your fist!"
"Wisconsiiiiiin... they're the f---ing... cheese... guys." -drunk girl who sat down at our table at Limerick
"Cheese HEADS." -Kestner
"I'm gonna hit Dan with a chair. ...I think he's on to me." -Pirate
"Huh?" -me
"What?"
"We're popping all kinds of your cherries tonight." -Ryan
"Whose cherries?" -Adam
"Yours."
"Mine? Why?"
"You know, I was pretty upset about not going over there, but since I got to accidentally touch Susan's boob? It was pretty good." -Adam
"This is a red-headed slut. Ever had one of them?" -Ryan
"No." -Adam
"Cherry number two." -Ryan
"You'll be very sore at the end of the night." -Kestner
"Kriiiiiiistin... you're nauuuuuughty." -Lexie, for reasons unknown
"So I immediately cut myself off, carry her off the floor with her crying in my arms, and her Marine dad decides whether or not he needs to kill me." -Mothball
Green: it's just a funny story that the president of the university will probably associate my name with penis if she ever sees it again
"Of all the places that we went, if there was one city where I thought we got scammed, it was the Vatican." -Dad describing his trip to Italy
"What'd you just say? ...Oh. I thought you just flirted with me. ...Hello?" -Guy on cellphone
=== John & Tara's Wedding ===
"Look at you guys with your real vests, who don't have to deal with elastic straps in the back." -Ben
"Shut up and put on your bib." -Doug
"I'm bigger than all of you put together." -Ben
"That sounds like a challenge." -John
"You could form Voltron and I'd still defeat you."
"You motherf---ers turn your f---ing phones off, or..." -Ben imitating the priest, while sitting in the limo two feet in front of the flower girl
"No, I'd definitely put shoes before puppies." -Therese, after I suggested her value system went babies, puppies, shoes.
"Percocet kicked in. Life is good." -Erin
From across the room:
"Hey John! You're MARRIED!" -Doug, who then snapped a picture of John's face
"I'm performing my duties as a bridesmaid and making sure she got to pee ok." -Manda
While attaching condoms to John's car:
"You should blow them up!" -Manda
"I'm not putting my f---ing lips on any goddamn condoms." -Doug
=== End of Wedding Quotes ===
"It's very artistic, just how many ways you can chop up the human body and make it look good." -Joe, about the "Bodies" exhibit
Kat: you are a good way to waste time
KatieM: I often wonder if my view of dating is anywhere near being in line with the rest of the world
me: better than most, probably
KatieM: Oh honey, you didn't go to ND law
KatieM: it's where social skills go to die
KatieM: I'm good at having low standards
KatieM: It's the only way to make friends in law school
"Why did you put his hat in your pants?" -me
"If you had a hat, would you want it in my pants?" -Pirate
What I said:
"Tell Erin that Ashley's pissed off that she hasn't heard from her in a while, and she just graduated."
What Snow heard:
"Tell Erin that Ashley just crapped."
"Should we interview him together, or will that be too intimidating?" -Elena
"No, I prefer the gang-rape." -Peter
"And we'd get balls signed by Darryl Strawberry, back when that was cool.' -Amaris
"Hi, honey." -Donovan, answering his phone in the strip club
"I touched a stripper's penis!" -Drunken Tara
"The stripper put his hand on my penis." -Tara
"I'm getting maaaaaaa-ried!" -Tara, yelling out the car window
"John, you're the best Hans ever." -Therese
"I can't see through my hair." -Becky
"If you don't marry Mandie, you'll marry ME." -Becky to me
"Somebody ate my penis." -Tara
"I did!" -Becky
"Dan, if you don't marry John, and you don't marry Mandie, you're gonna marry me.' -Becky
"Those are the realest boobs in the place." -John
"I'll move back now so you guys can concentrate, because I'm seeing six roads and you're probably only seeing three." -Becky, while we were on a two-lane road
"Dan and John are getting married. If my sister pukes on me I'll never forgive her." -Tara
"And my sister's lying in my crotch, she loves my crotch." -Tara
"I love my sister, I'm feeling up her boobs." -Tara
"I'm gonna pee my pants!" -Becky
Green: yeah, the bunny? i was sure was a baby toy
me: i can safely say i didn't look at that and think, "cock ring"
Green: and you should feel good about that
"Tell him not to drive, tell him I'm gonna get him f---ed-up drunk." -Susan from Limerick about Adam W.
"I got it on with two engaged chicks last night!" -Paul
"Are you putting your straw in my butter?" -girl sitting next to Gibeau at T's reception
"Yeah, sorry." -Gibeau
"My friend licked the pole. She's not dead, either. She's pregnant, but she's not dead." -Gibeau, talking about the Backer
"Where were you in '92? Cause I was in fifth grade." -Kristin
"I was a sophomore in high school." -Kestner
"The woman looks like one of those toy monkeys playing the drums." -Diana
"It sucks to be thirty. I don't recommend it." -Kestner
"Oh dear God, don't lick me! I don't know what you have on your tongue." -Diana, about her experience at the Pony
"The carbonation probably wouldn't work in space, so you'd have to get like dried beer or something." -Ashley, talking about a moon rocket that served alcohol
posted by DCrowley at 12:29 PM
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