me: hey, remember when you called me evil for wanting to hurt the feelings of people at bar-trivia
me: and then you suggested I use alcohol to aid in the violation of federal law? :)
Brenda: two totally different things
Brenda: i'm compassionate
Brenda: not law-abiding
Diane: So I am down to six days before I start class and 10 days before I get to stop being an attorney
"The bizarre thing is I woke up next to him, but it never crossed my mind that we went to bed together." -Simon
"Everyone makes fun of me because I lick it first." -JillK
Lisa: it's not hard
Lisa: but the longer you take, the better it will be
"See, I feel like the queen would have very fancy special underwear." -SPAM
"What?" -Lynn
"Like, has Grace ever asked you to pull her finger?" -BrianH
"Never." -Mikey
"Why would you pull her finger?" -Mom
"Dude, it's Mexican because there's salsa in it." -Gina
"I want to give Mikey and Grace privacy when they're here. I don't want to be, like... part of their lives." -Mom
"My sister is like Mark Twain." -Jillian
"If you put those nachos in a blanket and swaddled them, it might be the size of a baby." -Gina
"I thought it was like you got a point every time you put it in a hole." -Gina
playing iphone labyrinthJillian: and because im really worried about your penis
*** New Years in DC *** "What are you doing?" -Snow
"Vibrating your baby." -me
"I think I just wet myself." -Snow
"As long as that's all it is." -Erin
"I never thought I'd hear Crowley say vagina this much." -Erin
"Is she trying to make vagina into an adjective?" -Erin
"Crowley's here for two hours and we're already on eight-mile-wide vaginas." -Snow
"Not the best influence, your unky Crowley." -Erin
"I'm promoting healthy body image." -me
"HOW?!" -Snow
"The toucan does NOT take my cake." -Brandy?
commenting on New Years floats"You have the balance of a drunk." -Me to Sophie
"I'm always looking for the angle, Crowley, any way I can work in the Beyonce." -Snow
"I'm so happy, I'm going to boof you just for fun." -Candice
"You called Dick Clark a cyborg! Why would you call Dick Clark a cyborg?!" -Chris
"That one looks like a f-ed up camel." -Erin
"It's like
The Wiz but instead of adding black people they added cancer." -Snow
"I just wanna know where to the dick is." -Erin
"You can't toast pasta! You can toast BULLSHIT!" -Chris
"I can drive if it'll help." -me
"But are you sober?" -Erin
"Hey, I was caring for your child five hours ago. I can totally drive."
"Yes, but I don't know if caring for my child was a SOBER decision..."
*** End of New Years ***"The debate is whether I'm allergic to it. Because it's a legume." -Sean
"He's Asian, not Mormon... obviously." -Paul about Shuo
"It looks like puke in a box!" - Beth
after I shook up her take-home box"MEXICAN puke in a box." -Gina
"You look like a bison." -Gina
about Beth's "mad" face"It looks like a big French press." -Gina
about a rocket fuselage"Well, it'll still scald your mouth, but it won't squirt out and surprise you and scald your mouth." -Mothball
"He's been with her for like six year now, because she gave him herpes." -BrianH
"Dude, that's second only to pregnancy in the 'keeping someone around' category." -me
"I think it's actually worse than pregnancy. Pregnancy ends at some point."
"I've got a fifteen-minute oral final. I've got kneepads and everything." -Chris O-chuk
"I'm cute. I don't need shame. Even Weis thought I was cute." -Lisa
"I don't approve of you touching Jimmy's balls. I'm gonna veto that right now." -Mikey to Grace
"I did NOT start a race war!" -Katie
"Dude, whatever's behind my ear smells really weird." -BrianH
"You and Jeff start dancing right now, and we'll see how gay it looks." -JD to Simon
about a Killers song"Wow, that's probably the best sausage I've ever tasted." -Gina
"Serendipity is
The Final Countdown coming up on your shuffle with half a mile to go." -Zodda
"You could name your first one Bert and your second one Ernie!" -Scott
"I thought you wanted them NOT to be gay." -Liz
"Serves you right, you shouldn't have been such a bitch to me, or I wouldn't have gotten my parents naked for you." -Jillian about her roommate
"There's a lot of things that you can do in the bathrooms in Vegas." -Kickball Clint
Overheard on sparejob cleaning day:"I wonder what would happen if we ignited it?" -Tommy
"On my face?!" -Aslee
On the perils of adoption:"What if you adopt a stupid kid?" -Gina
"I could do it on my own, but I think it'd be better to do it with you." -Rebecca to Gina
"Oh my god, you've got like poop on your 'tocks. Do you want me to clean it off? ...You sat in some chocolate and it looks like you sharted." -Gina to Kestner
Teresa: why am i still pregnant? :(
"I look like I'm on crack? ...you're right! That's like what crack people do!" -Beth
when told she was rubbing her nose a lotOn boiled peanuts:"They look like sweaty little nutsacks." -Gina
"I've heard nothing about stories involving your bed." -me
"Oh, they all involve my bed." -
Anonymous"Nobody goes anywhere without my express permission, ok? I'll be at the door. I may be in a dress, but I'm barefoot and I'm faster than you." -Heather the blues singer before she and the band took a break
"Nothing beats plain, unadorned beef." -Animal
"Every guy I've ever dated, I've made them wear my underwear at least once." -Kickball Kim
"That Buddha, is he the one with the six arms? Or is he the elephant?" -Daniel S.,
imitating the eHarmony people that'd get paired with the Buddhist Shuo"I love queen beds, because I feel like you could sleep with somebody and not have to touch them." -Jillian
"If you could write a punk song that's a mathematical proof, I'd have no more socks ever. I'd have my socks rocked off for life." -Tom at Diesel
"I'd sing the harmony for that bitch." -Kida?
"Dude, I have to wonder what it's like to have sex with a witch or a wizard." -SPAM
"You would bite a nipple off, I bet." -Sally to Rebecca
"I'm drunk eating that cherry. Wait, that was a cherry, right?" -Shuo
*** Texts ***LizS: Yeah It's a NJ sandwich. long Island on xmas eve pisses me off. I want to be married 11 months per year
Jillian: Andrea is going to get kisses
Andrea: I just asked my mom if we had peppernut shnaps and she laughed at me. Apparently texting is easier than talking...but the answer was no. :(
I respond correcting her to "peppermint" and "schnapps"Andrea: I know. But I said pepper nut. Cause I'M TIPSY
Andrea: P.S. Are you saving these text messages? Cause that's just creepy.
Jillian: Yay!! I charged my love bugs and by love bugs I mean radios.
Brenda: Best team name is stop the sleigh and let my friend jack off
Mikey: Playing kings, they all hate the little green man and refuse to follow the accent rule
Shuo: Better make sure Ryan is ok. UGA died.
Kestner: And frampton comes alive!
Jillian: I'm going to beat you with a stick boy. I want to grease up Wendy! Its a skill I'm well versed in
Ronnie: you better note that because if you dont hear from me in a week, and strange things start to happen, then you will know I bit the dust and you're in deep shit.
Kestner: I think we will reluctantly do without your sack. But we will really miss it.
Diana: No but one of my coworkers did compare another employee to a sexually transmitted disease
Booter: So i got stranded at a party in the hollywood hills. And have to walk. Might be a good time for an impromptu pub crawl
90 minutes later:Booter: So maybe getting a martini at each bar was a bad idea
Kestner: Dude, i got the tolerance of a three year old girl.
Kickball Kim: Gt boys /humpf. Their idea of fun is deconstructing molecules.
Anonymous: Ha. It wasn't *that* kind of date. EHarmony dates do not include happy, naked fun time.
Andrea: Lol. I held him the way they told me to. Notice the electrical tape holding his mouth shut.
