Here Goes Nothing

I've been piling up these quotes for a long time now, but until this weekend all anybody ever saw of them was what made it into my profile on instant messenger. After a bit of encouragement, I'm going to try posting it all here so people can see it all at once...

Two caveats, though: first, a lot of what got written down was raunchy either in or out of context, so it's your own responsibility not to get offended. And second, if I'm not totally sure people will be ok with their name being attached to their own words (or if I think it'll get them in too much trouble) the quotes will be posted uncredited. If you want your name stripped from something, let me know.

I'm full of wet spots now, thanks - August '09 to January '10

me: hey, remember when you called me evil for wanting to hurt the feelings of people at bar-trivia
me: and then you suggested I use alcohol to aid in the violation of federal law? :)
Brenda: two totally different things
Brenda: i'm compassionate
Brenda: not law-abiding

Diane: So I am down to six days before I start class and 10 days before I get to stop being an attorney

"The bizarre thing is I woke up next to him, but it never crossed my mind that we went to bed together." -Simon

"Everyone makes fun of me because I lick it first." -JillK

Lisa: it's not hard
Lisa: but the longer you take, the better it will be

"See, I feel like the queen would have very fancy special underwear." -SPAM
"What?" -Lynn

"Like, has Grace ever asked you to pull her finger?" -BrianH
"Never." -Mikey
"Why would you pull her finger?" -Mom

"Dude, it's Mexican because there's salsa in it." -Gina

"I want to give Mikey and Grace privacy when they're here. I don't want to be, like... part of their lives." -Mom

"My sister is like Mark Twain." -Jillian

"If you put those nachos in a blanket and swaddled them, it might be the size of a baby." -Gina

"I thought it was like you got a point every time you put it in a hole." -Gina playing iphone labyrinth

Jillian: and because im really worried about your penis

*** New Years in DC ***
"What are you doing?" -Snow
"Vibrating your baby." -me

"I think I just wet myself." -Snow
"As long as that's all it is." -Erin

"I never thought I'd hear Crowley say vagina this much." -Erin

"Is she trying to make vagina into an adjective?" -Erin

"Crowley's here for two hours and we're already on eight-mile-wide vaginas." -Snow

"Not the best influence, your unky Crowley." -Erin
"I'm promoting healthy body image." -me
"HOW?!" -Snow

"The toucan does NOT take my cake." -Brandy? commenting on New Years floats

"You have the balance of a drunk." -Me to Sophie

"I'm always looking for the angle, Crowley, any way I can work in the Beyonce." -Snow

"I'm so happy, I'm going to boof you just for fun." -Candice

"You called Dick Clark a cyborg! Why would you call Dick Clark a cyborg?!" -Chris

"That one looks like a f-ed up camel." -Erin

"It's like The Wiz but instead of adding black people they added cancer." -Snow

"I just wanna know where to the dick is." -Erin

"You can't toast pasta! You can toast BULLSHIT!" -Chris

"I can drive if it'll help." -me
"But are you sober?" -Erin
"Hey, I was caring for your child five hours ago. I can totally drive."
"Yes, but I don't know if caring for my child was a SOBER decision..."
*** End of New Years ***

"The debate is whether I'm allergic to it. Because it's a legume." -Sean

"He's Asian, not Mormon... obviously." -Paul about Shuo

"It looks like puke in a box!" - Beth after I shook up her take-home box
"MEXICAN puke in a box." -Gina

"You look like a bison." -Gina about Beth's "mad" face

"It looks like a big French press." -Gina about a rocket fuselage

"Well, it'll still scald your mouth, but it won't squirt out and surprise you and scald your mouth." -Mothball

"He's been with her for like six year now, because she gave him herpes." -BrianH
"Dude, that's second only to pregnancy in the 'keeping someone around' category." -me
"I think it's actually worse than pregnancy. Pregnancy ends at some point."

"I've got a fifteen-minute oral final. I've got kneepads and everything." -Chris O-chuk

"I'm cute. I don't need shame. Even Weis thought I was cute." -Lisa

"I don't approve of you touching Jimmy's balls. I'm gonna veto that right now." -Mikey to Grace

"I did NOT start a race war!" -Katie

"Dude, whatever's behind my ear smells really weird." -BrianH

"You and Jeff start dancing right now, and we'll see how gay it looks." -JD to Simon about a Killers song

"Wow, that's probably the best sausage I've ever tasted." -Gina

"Serendipity is The Final Countdown coming up on your shuffle with half a mile to go." -Zodda

"You could name your first one Bert and your second one Ernie!" -Scott
"I thought you wanted them NOT to be gay." -Liz

"Serves you right, you shouldn't have been such a bitch to me, or I wouldn't have gotten my parents naked for you." -Jillian about her roommate

"There's a lot of things that you can do in the bathrooms in Vegas." -Kickball Clint

Overheard on sparejob cleaning day:
"I wonder what would happen if we ignited it?" -Tommy
"On my face?!" -Aslee

On the perils of adoption:
"What if you adopt a stupid kid?" -Gina

"I could do it on my own, but I think it'd be better to do it with you." -Rebecca to Gina

"Oh my god, you've got like poop on your 'tocks. Do you want me to clean it off? ...You sat in some chocolate and it looks like you sharted." -Gina to Kestner

Teresa: why am i still pregnant? :(

"I look like I'm on crack? ...you're right! That's like what crack people do!" -Beth when told she was rubbing her nose a lot

On boiled peanuts:
"They look like sweaty little nutsacks." -Gina

"I've heard nothing about stories involving your bed." -me
"Oh, they all involve my bed." -Anonymous

"Nobody goes anywhere without my express permission, ok? I'll be at the door. I may be in a dress, but I'm barefoot and I'm faster than you." -Heather the blues singer before she and the band took a break

"Nothing beats plain, unadorned beef." -Animal

"Every guy I've ever dated, I've made them wear my underwear at least once." -Kickball Kim

"That Buddha, is he the one with the six arms? Or is he the elephant?" -Daniel S., imitating the eHarmony people that'd get paired with the Buddhist Shuo

"I love queen beds, because I feel like you could sleep with somebody and not have to touch them." -Jillian

"If you could write a punk song that's a mathematical proof, I'd have no more socks ever. I'd have my socks rocked off for life." -Tom at Diesel
"I'd sing the harmony for that bitch." -Kida?

"Dude, I have to wonder what it's like to have sex with a witch or a wizard." -SPAM

"You would bite a nipple off, I bet." -Sally to Rebecca

"I'm drunk eating that cherry. Wait, that was a cherry, right?" -Shuo


*** Texts ***
LizS: Yeah It's a NJ sandwich. long Island on xmas eve pisses me off. I want to be married 11 months per year

Jillian: Andrea is going to get kisses

Andrea: I just asked my mom if we had peppernut shnaps and she laughed at me. Apparently texting is easier than talking...but the answer was no. :(
I respond correcting her to "peppermint" and "schnapps"
Andrea: I know. But I said pepper nut. Cause I'M TIPSY

Andrea: P.S. Are you saving these text messages? Cause that's just creepy.

Jillian: Yay!! I charged my love bugs and by love bugs I mean radios.

Brenda: Best team name is stop the sleigh and let my friend jack off

Mikey: Playing kings, they all hate the little green man and refuse to follow the accent rule

Shuo: Better make sure Ryan is ok. UGA died.

Kestner: And frampton comes alive!

Jillian: I'm going to beat you with a stick boy. I want to grease up Wendy! Its a skill I'm well versed in

Ronnie: you better note that because if you dont hear from me in a week, and strange things start to happen, then you will know I bit the dust and you're in deep shit.

Kestner: I think we will reluctantly do without your sack. But we will really miss it.

Diana: No but one of my coworkers did compare another employee to a sexually transmitted disease

Booter: So i got stranded at a party in the hollywood hills. And have to walk. Might be a good time for an impromptu pub crawl
90 minutes later:
Booter: So maybe getting a martini at each bar was a bad idea

Kestner: Dude, i got the tolerance of a three year old girl.

Kickball Kim: Gt boys /humpf. Their idea of fun is deconstructing molecules.

Anonymous: Ha. It wasn't *that* kind of date. EHarmony dates do not include happy, naked fun time.

Andrea: Lol. I held him the way they told me to. Notice the electrical tape holding his mouth shut.

No bitching and more science? Damn! - January '09 to July '09

"In the never-ending saga of 'Billy wets himself,' he had another incident today." - Gina

"That would break your nose, they're still hard balls." -Sean

"It was like a stuttering sheep." -Gina about Brian's rockbanding of "Bad to the Bone"
"Bbbbbbbbbbad to the wooooool..." -Sean

"You couldn't even pull my ass out of a bar long enough to have a kid at 24." -Gina

"He gave you head - how do you feel about that?" -Kristin to Sean

"But it's not hot if you compare it to other places which are hotter." -Lynn

"Vaginas are not a virtue. That's a common mistake." -Sean

"I don't know how you can do that - I can't even cope with three fingers." -Lynn

"Why don't you come back to our place and take off your boxers?" -SusanT

"I even know Bernoulli and I like Jesus." -Our kickball ref, while playing cups

"If he goes to Jarrod, I'm totally saying no." -Rebecca

"I do like the fistfights over the balls." -Lynn watching basketball

"I hear Britney in my boobs." -Gina, who then pulled her headphones out of them

"Me and my mom are going to Clermont, I don't know about you guys." -Rebecca's Sally's Eric

"I'd like to get it to remind me that I AM killing people." -Spam about an engineering ring

"Cottage cheese bothers me because it reminds me of vaginal discharge." -Spam

"Shooting a young buck is like slapping a woman. Sure you can do it..." -Borden

"Any cat's name, if it's in the street, it's named 'thump'." -Borden

"Rebecca!" -Jillian
"What?" -RebeccaK
"Seven plus six IS thirteen!"
"...yeah."
"That sucks!"

"I've never seen anyone give fake head that effectively." -Jillian

"I've gotta see the tongue before I'm really impressed, though." -Bjorn, about a guy dressed in a KISS costume

"You're just getting all these men wrapped around your finger." -me
"They wrap themselves around my finger. I just don't pry them off." -Andrea

"I thought about coming here and apologizing for being late because I had to get my pussy shaved." -Emily, who needed to get her cat's butt trimmed

"Shuo made me put a skirt on, but I'm gonna take it off." -Rebecca

"People who get set on fire die." -RebeccaJ.

"You said dead dog, and I just kind of went with it." -Pottery Meg, who then told a story about a dead cat left in a field

"I am become fail, the destroyer of awesomeness." -Tommy

"Accelerometer sounds like a thing that makes your car go fast." -RebeccaK

"I have an ex-boyfriend who's kind of like a ferret." -Jillian

"Dammit, Edward, get your butt outta her face!" -Girl to guy dancing in front of bus-bar-tour driver
"He ain't got nothing to work with!" -driver

"I'm raping your shirt." -KatieMo to Tommy

"If I'm one day able to move my boobs, you WILL watch. I'll make you." -RyanH

"I euphemism'd your mother." -Spam

"What are you doing? Oh, is that what you're going to bang people with?" -Lydia about Eric mounting a gun made of cardboard

"You're not that old. You're what, like... 27? You're not like 'Mere' old." -RyanH

"Let's see how many times we can eat our poop and poop it back out." -Kristin speaking for her fish pre-birthday

"I think your anus probably thanks you." -Noelle @ Kristin's birthday

"I was the only one who wanted to bootyshake." -Jim's GF @ Kristin's bday

"Don't let her size fool you, she's tricky." -SeanB abt Andrea

"Stop snorting, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey." -Mallory

"I like to think it's Alice from the Brady Bunch." -Galen, about "WhoTFis Alice" song
"Now that's a tasty bitch." -Mere

"I have a bruise on my boob from my sister. Right now." -RyanH

"I want to poke something dead." -Tulika

"If I weren't already wetting myself, I would've wet myself." -Jen's Nate

"He's like a young Fidel." -Travis about Chris

"Why are you constantly flicking all the time?" -Tulika

"Fundamentally, I really don't want to be using the same toilet as the cat anyway." -Brian about teaching his cat to use the guest bathroom

"You have let every orifice rip." -Mom scolding Mikey at Christmas dessert

"No, they pumped enough, it like shoots out at you." -NJKat at Mikey's party

"Can you delete that? I'm ashamed of my fat ass." -Tulika

"I was gonna ask you how big it was, but I decided it'd be wiser to just look." -Andrea

"Why would I go out in public with him?" -Andrea

"You continue doing what you do. That's what you do." -GT-UGA football game announcer

Emily: well, remember, for women, porn comes in the written word

"I can get two at once, two at once people!" -SusanT

"So the 'roids have been f-ing with me again." -Chris

Emily: Hamilton's earlier stuff is just cultural and political interactions, with some dating between humans, werewolves, and vampires. the later books? sex. lots of explicitly detailed sex.
Emily: and then the other series is fairies
Emily: and that's all sex


===New Year's===
"You look so sleazy." -Dwain
"-I- look sleazy?" -Snow
"I look awesome." -Dwain

"It wasn't that bad, I thought it was much worse when I felt my arm down there." -Courtney "It's just white stuff!" -Chris

"Everybody wanted to see Bush. We saw Bush. And it was awesome." -Dwain, about booing Coldplay off the stage to get to the headlining band

"My team is on the DL. ...is that what you people call it?" -Courtney

"I'm sorry we invited you to our Christmas party." -Courtney

"You're the Anne of this year." -Snow to Courtney after she fell down the stairs

"Every time that song's on in the car I feel like I'm being shot at. It's great." -Erin

"It's like Miley Cyrus with three penises." -Dwain about Jonas Brothers

"C-L-T, fill it in! I didn't go to 'clot'." -Erin
"...Oh!" -Dwain

"I'm gonna be drinking as soon as this thing's out of me." -Erin
"Is there a boob option?" -Chris

"My mom says lesbians aren't real." -Courtney

"The Smith men are apparently incredibly virile." -Dwain

"Nobody rocks anymore except for Collective Soul." -Dwain

"He's flown with shivs before." -Erin abt me
"Um... shiMs." -me

"What about this?" -Dwain
"That's a sausage." -Snow
"You can take it all." -Erin

About the creationist museum:
"It's like the RV Hall of Fame in Elkhart, IN." -me
"No, because RVs are REAL!" -Courtney

"Just because Crowley shows up, the word 'sausage' is not automatically funny." -Erin

"We haven't even scotch-guarded the upstairs sofa, 'cause it turns out pregnant women can't even be AROUND the chemicals or it, like, kills the baby." -Erin
"That's like your favorite type of chemicals!" -Courtney
"I KNOW!" -Erin




===TEXTS===
Olivia: A bit like putting ur feet in warm butter?

Pirate: Will a 3way screw up the wedding? Cause me and kestner could eiffle tower that up.

Sean: Dean, Kelly, and i split 3.5 bottles of wine, 6 beers, & 3 shots of vodka last night. This morning there's an uncooked chicken on the kitchen counter,there's salt on my bathroom floor, a george foreman open and possibly broken on the kitchen floor, and Dean's glasses, wallet, and pants on the living room hardwood floor where he passed out by his computer. Wish you were here.

J: Whatever. Once I make my money my days will only consist of martinis sex and great shoes. Sheer bliss.

Green: Hung mike's boxers from rafters in atrium. Now scared we're gonna get in trouble. Whee!
later: Euan calling them "engineering mistletoe."

Kat: IMed. Drinking. Thus, thinking of you. I think that's a compliment.

J: My sisters boss took me out to lunch and said he wanted to buy me a purse... weird? He also bought me five sake bombs.

Utah 2009

"No, I wouldn't rape you, I'd just come cuddle." - R to J

"I can't brain today. I have the dumb." -R

"I don't know how to get it up." - J

"Well, before she laid with me..." - R

"T, I need jizz in my pants." -J
"Oh yeah, I forgot I had that." -T

"I also brought strippers." -B

"Don't send it to Mars. I have no use for pretty things on Mars." -J skyping with her mom

"But you wake me up for your shit... just wait 'til the morning! I'll flush it for you!" - J

"As you were putting my suit on and I was trying to hold still, I thought, D's shirt has a buttcrack." -R

"Would you like to touch my butt?" -R to J

"I'm Jizz. Jizz the radio god." -J

"T, I'm not sleeping with you if you don't let me in the room." -R

"J is trying REALLY hard to get everyone in her bed." - B

"Aloe and cucumber. It's what WHORES smell like." - T

"Do you want me to make you smell like a whore? Do you want to be a whore? We can teach you how." - R to T
"I'm really good at it." - J

"There's this statue of a girl in Grand Junction, up against the wall like THIS, just ASKING to be violated." -R

"Here, this was in my bed." - J
"I'm not touching that." -D
"No, it's not lube, it's tears." -J

"I'm so JEALOUS of you, I'm gonna come SLEEP with you!" -R to J

"I don't really want to search google images, because the term we're looking for is perfect cleavage." - R about muscovite

J walks in, sticks the "grier" nametag to T
"That's right, I WANT Grier on me." -T

"If anyone's curious, I had a GREAT pee." -J

"I can't believe she took the last apple cobbler! That little bitch! I'm gonna have to f- her up!" - J

"If you go, we're gonna have to call you radio bitch all the time." - T to J
"At least I'm not the cobbler bitch." - J
"But you wanted to be." -D

"What AC/DC songs do you have?" -R
"Do you have big balls?" -T
"No. probably not." -B

"I'm just gonna skip the small stuff and do it, so..." -R

"By the way, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, looked up, and grier was in bed with me." -J

"My nose tastes of carbonation." -T

"It dribbles down your chin and feels good" - J


"God bless you." -B

"God bless you again." -B
"I'm oozing." -J

"...and sprouts sounds too much like what I feed my rabbits." -R
"I love sprouts!" -J, high
"...ok."

"I can't find Mars!" -J
"Look out the window." -B
"No, the polar bear." -T
"I ate him." -T
"I FOUND HIM!" -J
"Apparently I didn't eat him hard enough." -T

"You just need to form a tight seal around the lip with your mouth and suck hard." - J

"Easy open my ass." - E

"She can put a lot in her mouth at once, it's pretty impressive." -J about R

"Is suck a swear word?" -B
"My mom would say yes, but she's gotten better about that." -D

"My nose is still, like, a big bubble of shit." -J

"Health and safety officer t says: dying is not cool!" -T

"I will beat you with the pope!" -B, trying to say pole

"Everyone stop hitting T, I can feel the hole! ...maybe my fingers are just wet." -J
"B, B, can you wet your fingers and come over here?"

"Do I really act like that all the time?" -J
"YES." - everybody else

"He karate kicked me in the boob." -J about T

"Does anyone want to touch my absorbent patch? I wanna see what it looks like. Feels kinda grimy." -J about her traveljohn

"What are you doing?" - J, to R duct taping her leg
"I don't know yet." -R

"Can everyone stop using the internet so I can go on facebook?" -J

"Quote quote quote, quote quote quote, quote reBECca, quote reBECCA" -J, while rubbing her ass on her

"T, B's sitting on me..." -J

"I'll get it up for you, and you can take it!" -J

"Well, don't suck on it." -E

"I think I'm gonna go baby-wipe myself." -R

"Whoooo... kinda wish I had one of crotchless ones now." -R

"I used to have to suck on it in high school, just suck it down before performances." -J about honey

"I'm cold and I hate Tech." -J
"Go put your pants on." -R

"Now I know why the king's name is Lucky. It is because Death fears him as the music industry fears piracy." - Singh is Kingh

"I don't think they're gay, just Indian." -T

"Oh my god, I get so many emails. I'm like, I'm on Mars, f-ers! F- off!" -J

"Your computer just took a dump. It says so right there." - R to me

"Health is not my concern." - T, health & safety officer

"I'm not wearing ANY panties!" -T

"Oh, geez, it's grown since last night." - B about E's facebook wall

"It got all sticky now, but I can't stop touching it." -J

R bursts out of her room after disappearing for 10 minutes to write an email
"Why the f- does answer have a W?!" -R

"The only time I was useful there was when the cheetah escaped." - J

"Did it get hard, T?" -J
"No." -T

"I mean literally, you guys can grab my ass. I have NO ass." -J

"I honestly think we should take Grier up to (the) ridge and leave her." -J

"I got paint on me, but it looks like jizz." -J

"I think I have a problem keeping my pants on." -R

T tells B about the "she sells C shells" limerick
"Boooooo. And you guys made fun of me for 'cattle-litic converter'" -B

"We're making love smells." -J, about R's coconut hand lotion
"Yes, but I'm ALLERGIC to your love smells." -E

"Wow, you got a lot better looking than you ever were!" - J to a guy's facebook profile
"That's... Lance Armstrong" -me

"I really wish I could kiss him [nph]." -J
"Oh, you could kiss him, he just wouldn't enjoy it." -me
"Just remember, he'd always enjoy kissing me more." -T

"Maybe this will sound shallow, but Neil Patrick Harris could do better." -R
"Maybe he has a great personality." - me
"Maybe he has a huge dong." -J

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's REALLY kind of a whore." - Feb. '08 to Dec. '08

"I was painting. You know, I had my duty down in the basement. I do mostly impressionist, but I'm really getting into my cubism period, as soon as I figure out how to draw a cube." -Snow

Emily: seriously? vampires are supposed to be involved in lots of sex. not cuddling with a blanket.

*** Thanksgiving in LA ***
"It's not my fault I don't have a weiner!" -Shawna

"Yeah, I do suck, but people usually appreciate that." -Shawna to her mother

"I like that you can forcefully lead, 'cause I'm drunk enough to fall over." -Kelly

"Try it once more, I don't think I was actually looking because there's something poking me in the ass." -Shawna

"Get Dr. Chopper, it's better." -Kelly
"Better isn't the point, I want you to be a zombie." -me
"Balls."

"I saw my second celebrity in LA: Ron Jeremy." -Scott

"I just want to shrink you guys so I could put you in my pocket and take you out and show people and say See, aren't they adorable? and they're MINE!" - Shawna

"It's a good thing that I didn't explode everywhere." -Kelly
"Sometimes it's good for a girl to explode everywhere." -Booter
"Yeah, work on that." -Shawna

"It's bad enough I have to compete with Dean." -Kelly
"You don't compete with Dean." -Booter

"...and not only do these socks look awesome and are totally comfy, but they COMPLETELY MATCH MY PANTS!" -Shawna

"What video is that?" -Booter
"It's us watching porn." -Shawna

"It's basically work, and then drink and f--k around until you fall asleep again." -Kelly describing her life

"I've got ten months to choke Carmen Electra." -Josh, Dean's friend

"You know you're not allowed to poop while you're here." -Ti to Josh

"Will you stop with the deucing? What are you, like five years old?" -Ti to Josh

"Why do your feet smell like gefilte fish?" - Grundy to Shawna

"F--king Grundy. Are you f--king serious?!" -JoeJoe, after Grundy peed in his sink

"I just cleaned this sink, you f--ker!" -JoeJoe

"'Cause I will fist-a-to-God your asshole." -Grundy during 40s

"I didn't know it was Insult Game. I thought you were just being a dick." -Grundy

"I have this friend, he's an SC fan but his grandfather played at ND for Knute Rockne. His dad's a... bisexual fan, I guess." -Grundy
Kelly chokes on her drink

"Well, the worst thing is that I can't say balls." -CScott

"Put it in my crotch, it's the hottest part of my body." -Shawna

"I look like cross-eyed in this picture. You're licking the tongue of a crazy girl." -Shawna

"Why do we need bases to talk about touching my tits, but not to talk about sucking your dick?" -Ti

"Is it my fault he put Taco Bell on top of all that blockage?" -Ti

"My enema worked, bitch, it worked." -Ti

"So an enema requires two people - who knew?" -Ti

"Out of like seven thousand songs, I hear My Dick at least once a week." -Shawna

*** End of Thanksgiving in LA ***

"So when you open a pecan, you're busting a nut?" -Gina

Emily: ooh, there's a stripper
Emily: WOW
Emily: the whole dresser
Emily: wow

Emily: dirty girl scouts don't burn as much as a brain hemmorhage

"If you want to chop off all of your hair, I could totally do it for you." -Sarah, my cousin's coworker

"It took Gina four years to get past my first impression." -Kestner
"That's 'cause your first impression was, like, assault." -Gina

"I just know that, however much I've tried, I just don't like dick." -RyanH's Mike

"I forgot about my giant cockersaurus!" -RyanH

"That's not very nice! My dad just told me I look like Obama. Because I'm dark." -Katie, on her wedding day

"If we don't stop by a CVS to get my Maybelline lipgloss, I'm gonna be f--king pissed." - Megan, Matron of Honor #1

"Your hair looks AWESOME." -Tori, Matron of Honor #2
"I know, I look like Katie's legit! 'Cause there's red in it!" -Mom

Green: well, now I have to wear the hooker red dress

"Mmmmm, nipple twisting." -Diana

"She had to wait for the bathroom to clear out so she could devastate it." -Gina abt Rebecca

"Rebecca, that beer's not gonna throw itself up." -Kickball Big Joe

My away message: So much for the Gone With the Wind approach...
Green: you made dresses out of curtains?
John: see what you get when you have to rely on the kindness of strangers? Gonorrhea, unless your talking about a different line from that movie

"The amount of time it'd take to cut all the kids' heads off and stick them in little baseballs..." -Monica

"It's not poison if she enjoys it." -Spam

"If I were a tranny, I'd be much better looking than that." -BrianH

"I just provide the hole, he provides the aim." -Rebecca abt Shuo

"Tulika brought me oral pleasure." -Elisha

"Are they udders, Mere? Is that what they are? Think before you squeeze your boobs." -RyanH

"She's got sternum. She's got plenty of sternum." -Mere, abt bouncing coins into Ryan's shirt

"You shouldn't vomit." -me
"I'm not going to." -Gina
"That's my woman." -Kestner

"F--k, I burped at 2? On command? That's AWESOME!" -RyanH

"When are you gonna stop banging other chicks?" -Rebecca
"When you stop having 'inflammations'." -Shuo

"Are you gonna take that shit? Kick her ass, get her naked." -Travis

Emily: yeah...not sure what the point is if it's non-erotic

Green: that plane pooped a capsule

"Our apartment this week was basically three Mexicans vomiting." -Kestner

"All I can think of is that one with the weird little people." -Mom describing the Lord of the Rings trilogy

"It just slips down your throat accidentally." -Kestner
"It's f--king disgusting. That's why I hate them." -Gina

"I want to see a wild squirrel go to the bathroom." -Kiva

"Just put it in a different way so it really rubs around." -Kiva

"That's how you drew 'razor burn'? It looks like a sailboat!" -EJ during Cranium

"I burned my bottom lip. Last night at your place, it finally started coming off in chunks. I was just picking it off and dropping it on the floor." -Mike B.

"Why are you shoving this down our throats?" -Drew
"Guess what's getting shoved down your throat next!" -EJ

"I'm just glad your mom didn't milk me." -BrianH

"I'll trade you half a pound of fudge for that baby. Make somebody REALLY happy outside." -Uncle Jimmy at Scoops

"Drew says Cranium is the most irrationally competitive two hours of his year." -EJ

"Is that Mikey or a mailbox?" -BrianH

"I will teach my daughters to burp and burp eloquently." -RyanH

"I was just thinking it would be so awesome to go to Alon's and pick up some chicken salad, but... I don't want to put my pants back on." -ATL Courtney

"Plus it's got Tim Curry, who is an AMAZINGLY sexy transvestite." -Emily

"Wait, like downloading? I feel different about copyright law if I can get CAUGHT!" -Andrea

"I haven't used my womb." -Rebecca

"I could've been the axe-murdering lesbian in the pink Cadillac." -Tammy

"I'm not Jewish... but Jewish people annoy me." -Nugent
"Oh, write that down, write that f--king down!" -RyanH

"Wait, so you wouldn't wax your balls?" -RyanH
"No, you Nair your balls." -Mere

"She's not a lady, you don't have to be a gentleman." -Mere to Mike

"I very rarely have the urge to punch people in the face." -KmV

"Something stupid. I'm a tool." -Spam's recording of whatever I said

"Ohhhh, I see the penis now!" -RyanH

"It's a cheese grater, where could it go?" -RyanH
"I was talking about skinning the Jews." -Mere
"Oh. That's a bad topic." -RyanH

"I mean, what's wrong with a little cocker spaniel now and then?" -RyanH

"If you asked me for a threesome, I would politely say no." -Cameron to Patrick & Susan

"I mean, I'm kind of a whore, but he's really kind of a whore." -Sean

"Like a melting cheese, my capability erodes." -Doc

"Yeah, you're thinking about the porn." -me
"Oh yeahhhhh..." -Andrea
"The WHAT?" -SeanB

"I have problems getting it up with just one stick." -Emily

"You smoke the crack. You snort the coke." -me
"Ohhhhhhh..." -Andrea & Tulika

"I like this better, when I turn around I see Katie and not Dan." -Rebecca

"Syphilis - that'd be a beautiful name if it wasn't a disease." -Kristin

"That's how we usually do things around here - Kendall and Ramon and an underage hooker." -KmV

"We could totally do a lesbian duet." -KmV
"We could!" -Kendall

"Ew, gross! Steak shit, yuck!" -Amy

"That's why the Greeks were remembered. It's not that they were the smartest people, it's that they documented their work." -Doc

"Feel my hair." -Rebecca's friend Suzanne
"Will I like it?" -me
"Listen, f--ker, it feels like a damn sheep!"

"Yeah, I have a flat ass. I have to wear low-cut shirts." -Rebecca

"Jagina! I-S-S-I-N-G!" -Iris on Gina's birthday

"Muhfeemakruckahmormick." -Snow with his mouth full
"My clock is thick? ...wait, what'd you say?!" -me
"I said, I'm eating a cracker and you're a dick." -Snow, once he could breathe again

"I'll watch for your boobs." -Tambryn, captain of opposing kickball team

"If it was supercritical, you would have known it already." -Dr. Petrovic

"I will not go through the derivation. If you feel very masochistic at some point, go through the textbook..." -Dr. Petrovic

"Is it going to be like Transformers when it transforms?" -Janel
"No..." -student
"I want Transformers, dammit!"

"I'm sort of opposed to pooping in the snow." -KmV

about beryllium:
"Isn't that very toxic?" -Frank
"It is, but I guess in fifties is ok." -Dr. Petrovic

"The only thing that makes karaoke better is nasty-ass strippers while you karaoke." -Dixey about Tuesdays at the Claremont

"Could you not use my hips as a pushing point next time?" -Gina

"When we first get a dog, it's gonna have to learn to lick toes, because we both love it... but not with each other!" -Rebecca

"Day ain't over until you spoon." -Hernando
"That's right." -Doc


*** Texts ***

Kestner: Question. Is Gina a vibrant young lady or an old hag?
Kestner: Maybe this might help u decide. Gina is trying to fart out her hiccups.

Mom: No shots pls.

Green: bar tonight: someone picked final countdown at least 5 times in a row. needless to say, I am READY for a wedding.

Sean: Awesome. Btw expect a small package in a few days
Sean: Oh and it's not me. Wanted to clarify.

Green: momma wants to get her hate on.

KatWhilePregnant: Pushups, yeah no. I'm fat now

Green: my god, i just audibly gasped. tell it i love it. it never even calls me by my name.

RyanE: I am so aroused and disgusted.

Snow: Dude if the LHC destroys the world I firmly believe it's somehow your fault. This is actually my game plan for all cataclysmic events.

KmV: My penis is the hammer.

Green: that poor orphan I packed into checked luggage. he must be so frightened and lonely. in related news: why the hell did I do that?

Utah 2008

"I almost lost my pants in Denver. Along with the rest of my clothes." -El

"Mars is the new band camp." -A

"Checked equals screwed." -S

"I love me some ambiguous meat. But then, I grew up on ambiguous meat, so..." -Em

"Did you say something about table hookers?" -Em

"We will, we will rock you." -my toothbrush

"I've had historically very bad taste in guys." -Em
"I've never tasted a guy." -T

"I want to eat a beating frog heart." -T

"Curry, you cook it for like two hours, what the hell?" - T

"Have you ever cut the head off a live chicken before?" -T

"It's a sad piece of machinery. It reminds me of my grandmother's grandmother in her grave. Or on the pyre, whatever." -T about V'ger

"Ooooh, 'World's Largest Hot Dog'! ...'Chain'. Oh. That's dramatically less interesting." -me

"She had to kill a frog." -me
"Not kill it, pith it. Well... kill it." -T

"What did you say?" -A
"'I thought Sanskrit was a dead language.'" -me
"I heard something about bandwidth."

"Can we listen to some Eagles for a while?" -A
"I've got the greatest hits on my ipod." -me
"So do I. I've got like three of them." -A
"Whose tits?" -T (mishearing "greatest hits")

"Dude, this is like getting high without anything." -T in the snow on top of Radio Ridge

"It looks totally cute in a badass way." -El to T, about her bandanna

"Oh, I wanted a cookie." -El
"Here." -me
"I have blood on my hands."

"Don't you feel like such a professional?" -El, over the HAM radios
"I feel like a trucker." -me
"10-4, good buddy." -El

"Orange Bang. It's whipped!" -El

"Can you growl again? Because that would be less scary than you saying 'poppycock' one more time." -S to T

"No, I'm just cooking this out of my ass right now!" -T
"It's actually ok to use the toilet downstairs." -El

"It tastes like beefy goodness." -El on MSG

"The sky is so bloody blue." -T
"It's non-oxygenated blood." -El

"Sorry, T's butt is distracting me." -Em

"If I had three wishes from a genie, that'd be one of them." -S
"That's creepy... but in a good way." -T to S, when he said he'd be ok with having her voice

"Excuse me... where are the sanitary napkins?" -S to T, asking about moist towelettes

"The moment you say 'bloody', you're a bloody Brit?" -T

"Was anyone else here homeschooled? ...She had the home-schooled feel to her." -S about one of the previous crew members (Angie)
"How much feeling-up did you do?" -Em

"Mworw?" -T
"I thought you were a dog." -me
"Woof!"
"Much better."

"If you need help with that, I'm good at stripping." -Em

"Actually, I probably don't want to be wearing my pajamas when I'm working with sulfuric acid... oh well." -El

"This is going to flick out, and I don't want it to flop around." -El

"What's a clusterf-?" - T
"It starts with a threesome and goes higher." -El

"I didn't say that, but that's what I said." -S

"That's most definitely a penis." -S
"...yeah." -T
"And the biggest balls of them all." -El

"Don't tell men that the male anatomy doesn't fascinate us." -El

"My nose is running. I look like a person from Somalia right now. No, not a person - a hungry kid." - T

"So the clusterf- of science - what should I do with it? Am I part of it right now?" -T

"Much-ass grassy-ass! Ha ha ha ha (snort)" - T

"Like in City of Angels?" - T
"Never seen it." -me
"Gay movie, but good to watch if you're drunk and want to cry." -T

"Stupid skittles, why won't you update? I ate you!" - A

"Golluming her? I don't know what that is, but it sounds like it should be illegal." -S

"Ok, sitting here, I would be really concerned about those things jabbing into my crotch." -T looking at the items in the back of Don's truck.

"People don't let me do them." -T

"Your muscle contractions and expansions are amazing." -T to El

"Have you seen that greywater?" -Em
"It's so gross! It's... not grey!" -El

"Beauty is pain." -El

"You kept snorting, was it my fault?" -A

"Flush it well. Don't get the poop out of the poop-pot." -T

"There are other things that go up in the world, T, than penises." -El

"I really hope these don't catch fire." -El? on battery-charging night

"Why am I putting my hands in the path of sulfuric acid?" -me

"I'm worrying about this squirting out because I'm squeezing it." -El

"It's all fun and games until someone gets sprayed in the eye with sulfuric acid."
"Or squirted."
"Or flopped."

"Need any help?" -S
"No, I'm pretty good. It's mostly one-person work right now, but I'll need help later keeping it upright." -me
"Keeping it upright?"
"With the pole."

"Is the atmosphere contagious? ...contaminant? ...contaminated?" -S

"Who is that?" -T
"That's you." -A
"Me? I was not wearing a scarf!"

"So we're in the queue?" -T

"You can do me, T." -El

"You're good at measuring! How big are your biceps?" -T

"Did you just hurt yourself while sitting down at the table?" -S
"No. ...Yes." -T

"Are there any available strippers up there?" -El

"It's just, I come up and it's like Spaceballs." -El

"The big thing is patching the crotch. That's where all the damage happens." -Em about suits.

"D is attracted to the word 'crotch' for some reason." -T

"Are you in the queue too?" -T to S waiting for the bathroom

man to the five halves
sexual nintendo
crotch coat
poppycock
cookie?
crossbow
call-duck
Mrs. Buttersmith's

"I missed something, all I saw was T covering her crotch." -Em

"I turned on the light, and I thought, A melted!" -El finding A's clothes in the washroom

"I woke up with the vibrations through the... bed?" -El

"Do you want me to hold that?" -S
"No, you can just let it dangle." -D (telescope control)

"Anybody want to do the penetrater test?" -El
"I'll show you the device that you use."

"More of sex, less of blood." -El

"You were not calm. There were many times when you were not calm, like Buddha." -A

"You know when you get an itch here and you cannot scratch it?" -T
"I take my toothbrush and stick it down my throat as far as I can." - Em
"Doesn't... that lead to vomiting?" -me
"Not ALWAYS..." - Em

"Australian cricket players? They always have white stuff on their lips." - T

"Ok, I have to click on the butt. I just have to." -El

"Somebody can take The Penetrator for a spin, if they want." -El

"Apparently I'm like Mars' savior or something." -S
"Jock of the Day." - Em
"I hate you." -S

"Oh, we don't share a wall." -A
"We share a wall, we just don't share..." -me
"A bed." -Em

"Do I share a bed with anyone?" -A
"S." -Em

"So why are you pressing down the button to send facial expressions to the hab?" - A

"Oooh, that's an interesting color: poop." -El painting a rock

"I'm an Indian, I can see that word anywhere." -T on "turban"

"Pants are optional at my house." -El

"That's the best Clint Eastwood voice I've ever heard." -S
"Who do you think trained Clint Eastwood in the first place?" -Don

"I feel so objectified." -T
"I see you as a person." -El
"I just see you as a deviated septum with legs." - me

"I always thought that if there was a dry kiss, you were fine. As soon as you have saliva contact, YOU HAVE BABIES." - T

"I didn't know penises had anything to do with it." -El

"I could hear my grandmother's words sounding in my ears. There was no shuffle, it was COMPLETE REPEAT." - T

"No, I did not draw a penis out of fun! It was NOT FUN!" -T

"All I can see is his chest." - T

"I got extra credit for going up in front of the room and holding up the card with the step of how to put on a condom." -A
"Step two: inspect the condom." -A

"Walnuts." -S
"Nuts on the wall. Wall nuts." -T

"D, if it's not asking too much, can I pet your chick later?" - T

"I want death to pour from my eyes." -El

"I get so giddy when I hold soft things. Don't you?" -T
"Not like that." -A

"Oh my God, it's so big! ...It's so soft!" -S looking at his own crotch

"Well, I figured it was just the fly, I didn't realize it was hanging out!" -S

"I can't believe my pants fell down and I didn't notice!" - A

"What does the Turdinator do?" -A

"What? I'm darker than any of you here, and I have more right to be gangster." -T

"'cause 'Wizard' doesn't sound right, because wizards aren't chill!" -T

"Alright, show us the underwear." -S after I claimed I was mormon

"She looked like a camel?" -T
"Toad." -D
"What is camel toad?"

"It's when women get a wedgie, but not in the rear end." -Em
"What's a wedgie?" -T

when T had white creme smeared on her face:
"White people camouflage. You can blend into New England." -me

"No! Mario is NOT giggity!" -T

"No, not cough! Cough! Cough! C... caaaaaf? Little moo!" -T

"Your calves are hairy, but your feet are not." -T
"...thank you." -S
"That was not a compliment."

"I used to have fur on my feet. I wonder what happened to it?" -S

"It's not a pocket! It's a boob holder!" -T

"I know what a ho is. I went to Georgia Perimeter." -T

"He's just extremely potty mouth. Potty all over the mouth." -T

"It's like you have a third eye of killing." -T about El's headlamp

"I can't believe you did that!" -T
"What?" -me
"Flashed me!" -about taking a pictures

"Dude, we should meet up and snort some more." - T to A

"I touched her and it felt squishy!" -T about El

"Dude, I would totally do it in the bioballs." -S

"You kiss my crotch, I kiss yours!" -T

"You just went into my room and stripped!" -Em

"I didn't know there was a vagina until like tenth grade." -T

"You don't have a freaky elbow! You just have huge biceps!" -T to S

"You look like an evil leprechaun. On growth hormones!" -Em to me

"Are you going to start licking it now?" - T on brownie bowl

"Where's the knife-cutter?" - S

"Have you seen ants' balls?" - T

"I have the J-Lo booty of the gymnasts." -S

"All the ladies find you attractive in that homosexual sort of way." -El to S

"If I give you a Stink, will you remember me?" -A

"Any foreign objects you find lodged anywhere are NOT my fault." -El

"...and then she slid it into my Bible." -S

"I've shaved many men." - Oct '07 to Feb '08

"I don't think my physician would advise that." -Spam
"Oh, he'll give you penicillin." - me
"There are some things penicillin doesn't cure." -Spam
"Babies." -Alison

"Alligator clips? F--K alligator clips!" -Alison

"Women fart, I've seen it." -Spam

"This next one's a love song." -guy at Limerick
"I call it 'Belch In Your Face'." -Kestner

"Oooooh, I want to see Jesus!" -Mere

"I want to disembowel someone." -Toby

"Did I tell you how much Molly liked syphilis?" - KatieM

"I'm kinda sad that I probably won't get to dress like a woman in the next place that I work at." - Texas Matt

"If Enrique's gay, I don't want to be straight." -Mikey

"The two lesbians are coming to your wedding?" -Mikey
"Yeah." -KatieC
"Cool!"

"You look nicer on the Nintendo than you do in real life. Like, the mischievious look in your eyes doesn't come through." -Erin

"I put it in my mouth first... and then I swallowed." -Courtney drinking champagne

"Oh, she's not answering her phone. What a whore." -KatieM

"Why do you have a giant thing on the end of your thing?" -Erin
"Because he's a giant nerd and put the rubber thing on." -Snow
...
"It makes it look a lot bigger." -Erin

"We weren't NOT talking. We just weren't talking." -KatieM

"Why wouldn't you want to show off your butt while golfing?" -Erin

"You played the cello?" -Snow
"Yeah." -Courtney
"No you didn't."
"I ROCKED the goddamn cello!"

"Oh, keep that sucking motion, Crowley." -Erin

"God, I'm very slow." -KatieM

"My whining is more effective than yours. Suck it!" -Erin to Chris

"It's so weird not to be hungover right now." -Erin

"This is like the Who-ville of dorkdom." -KmV

"Ew, Chad Henne just spit in high-def." -Erin

Green: i want a wealthy old british uncle who will call me his little crumpet
Green: or pet. i love being called "pet"
Green: the kiwi dude i made the knife with called me pet, it was great

Teresa: did 'the woman' make an appearance
Teresa: dang it all... her name's kate? it that right? you say 'the woman' so much i forget!

"I TOLD you it was making funny noises last time! Nobody believed me!" -Emily
"That's 'cause you were high." -me
"...so?"

"Up 'til about ten, about seventy percent of my toys were stolen." -Bhuan

"I just want to lick that whole thing up, and then I'll be sick all night." -Claire
"I live my life like an unabashed sausage eater, making my way through the winter season..." -Will M.
"I forgot Katie did Observer stuff too. She's kind of an overall badass, if you think about it." -Sean
"She's a sassy little bitch." -Kathy about her grandmother

"What do you have to major in to organize dance parties?" -Mac
"German." -Kathy K.

"I think it's funny that you say Aw skeet skeet motherf-er." -me
"What else would I say?" -Molly
"...cardiocentesis?" -me
"No, skeet skeet motherf-er is MUCH more fun!"

"Lalala, we love each other, DRINK! We'll talk about this later." -Molly

"How could you not f-ing pole vault? It's physics, you idiot!" -Little Chuk

"You know the livestock pens at the ____ fair? You know how they have those big barns? Imagine fifteen barns full of drunk Germans. That's Oktoberfest." -Cousin Dean

"I look deranged but elegant." -Irena
"He's kind of like Cinderella, but for chili." -Curtis abt Dane
"That's a great Nalgene bottle." -Kemp
"Thanks, it matches my thong." -Scott

"I need some meat in my mouth, I'm just gonna throw that out there." -Ryan

"I guess once you see donkey dick, it all goes downhill." -Kestner

T: breastfeeding is like having a tapeworm
T: it's soooo crazy
T: i eat and eat and eat, and i gain NOTHING
T: i'm going to be in trouble when i have to start maintaining a normal diet again someday ;-)

"I'd like to forget MY decade of shittiness." -Lynn

"I'm not kissing you until you stop the pedophile talk." -KatieM

"I'm a girl. I'm a cute girl, too! You can't hit a cute girl. It's like messing up a work of art." -Gina

"Hey Shuo, can I borrow your camera?" -me
"I have a blowfish face!" -Gina

Mom: danny,
Mom: danny,
Mom: do u know you have offended two major groups of people with your quotes?

"Do I need to start shaving guys, is that the gist of this conversation?" - Lynn
"I don't know, I've got nothing against it." -Alison

"I'm still pretty sure it's better than no sex, because from a girl's perspective you still get to cuddle." - Alison's take on bad sex

"Can you assign scores based on golf?" -Lee
"I would be batting a thousand." -other student
"...in golf?"

"So if we come to take the 'voluntary exercise,' we don't have to take the final?" -student
"Yes, and if one of you RATS ON ME, the deal is off." -Cassiano

"You've got a laptop? Bring it up here!" -Cassiano
"Hold on, I've got to close out the porn." -student
"No, that's ok."

"Some of them were drunk assholes, but I'd rather hang out with drunk assholes than, um... sissyboys." -KatieM

"You do NOT HAVE the white man's burden." -Kat

TEXT MESSAGES
"Alas, poor beer. i knew him, Horatio.
Just kidding, still know him. just wanted to quote shakespeare when drunk." -Green
"Nothing is rotten in the state of Green."-me
"To be drunk or not to be drunk. Not so much a question." -Green
"Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the beers and wines of outrageous boozing, or take shots against a sea of sobriety and by opposing end it..." -me
"A buzz! A very palpable buzz!" -Green
"Get thee to a brewery?" -me
"The drink's the thing, wherein i'll catch the conscience of the idiot."
"This above all, to thine own self give booze." -me
"Neither a moocher nor a puker be.
and from chrissie: my blood liquorhol level are high."
-For context, she was out at a bar - I was home, so I had references to cheat with.

"I'm better looking and you'd better love me." -KatieM

"Yeah well we took a vote and no one wants to watch the band step off tom. Hank says he'll pay 4 my wedding. He can be new dad." -Katie to Dad

"Rob is here with Molly and I. He is afraid of me. I am proud." -KatieM

"ps i got hit by a car today. happy friday! a. exhausted am treating condition with beer!" -Green

"You're so supportive... Are you drunk?" - KatieM

"I look scary and sexy all at the same time." -KatieM

"chrissie: where's a deer? i want to punch it in the face. i could totally win.
mike: doedally win." -Green

"what is going on sassy pants?" -SusanT

"Just woke up. Forgot to tell you I missed you. That and I dreamt [her dog] was talking to me about Santa's reindeer. But mostly I just miss you." -KatieM

"I am disabled. Communicate with me!" -Snow
"November." - me ( = No or negative)
"Zulu." -Erin (I require a tug.)
"Uniform." -me (You are running into danger.)
"Tkele-cho-g." -Erin (Jackass.)
"Uh... vade retro satana!" (Get behind me, Satan)

"So drunk. Miss you so much." -KatieM, 1:53am
"If you're still up, I love you so much. You have no idea." -KatieM, 3:35am
"I feel like ass." -KatieM, 10:55am

"From Chris: If you want to hear muppets cuss, put on Sesame Street and I'll say f--- a lot." -KatieM

"They look like they should be Lincoln Logs. You should just start stacking them." - January '07 to September '07

"Santiago, I know you're love-struck, but what can I do to penetrate you?" -my advisor

"You hook them, like Elise, and then you spank them." -Doc

"I'm still stuck on the strap-on." -Marni

"The hard life of Gina." -Marni
"It's like living with a retard. 'She's licking the ketchup again!'" -Gina

LizS: well i gotta blow dry my shoe

"That was a fun night until we got arrested." -Kestner

"I dunno, I've had some fun times I don't remember." -Kestner

"Oh, we're having a boob orgy with the dollar bill." -RebeccaH

"If I let you take this dollar, can I sing a song?" -Gina with a single down her shirt

"Of course, it all depends on your opinion of popcorn in my crotch." -Gina
"Depends on how... omnivorous you are." -RebeccaH

"I knew a girl in high school who, if you looked quickly or from far away, she looked like she had Downs Syndrome... BUT SHE DIDN'T. We called her 'Downsy'." -Gina

"It's actually quite normal for me to wake up with no pants on." -Gina

"Robe does not equal pants, Dan." -Gina

"I can't look at your leaning cow and still play." -Kristine

"When you're drunk enough to do anything that moves, you're slut-drunk." -John

"I have to warm up my breasts." -John massaging himself before beer pong

"I wasn't feeling her up, I was making fake nipples!" -Jen

"Alan will suck anything that lands on the table." - Tara
"Uh... I have to disagree." -Alan

"Vaginas unite!" -Jen
"Ew. That's kinda gross. I don't want to picture that." -Alan

"Thanks, Melissa. This is how people get pinkeye." -MikeI when Green's camera battery died

"All I really need is a white jumpsuit and a BeDazzler." -Princeton Chrissy

"I'm right in the middle of New York... slightly south." -Green, in Princeton

"Let me guess. There's no inside bathroom, is there?" -me
"There is. It's outside." -MikeI

"Yay, I'm the birthday wench!" -Rebecca H

"You're not popular enough to be different." -Doc to an incoming first-year

"Nobody does travel like Cara, ok? I have slept with so many of my students over the years. ...that's why Pat graduated so quickly." -Doc

"...the hell is going on here?"
"There's obviously something dreadfully wrong here. What is going on?" -Industry contact, trying to help troubleshoot a problem

"Dan, I love you like I love beer." -Rebecca H

"Fellatio is illegal in Georgia, cunnilingus is not." -Rebecca H
"F---." -KmV

"So Molly has spent I don't know HOW many family gatherings practicing drinking wine with a split hoof." -KmV

"I don't want fellatio, I want flowers!" -KmV

"Ah, we're on to the cooler conversation." -JD
"Hey, nothing's cooler than Star Wars." -Spam
"Star Trek." -Diana

"You want me here!" -Katie
"I don't care whether you're here or not." -Mom

"Somebody stole the magic wand!" -EJ
"THAT was MY magic wand." -Aunt Laurie

"It's like you're in a fairy land." -EJ

"She almost looked glazed." -Mom
"She almost looked like Howdy Doody. No, that was a compliment. She looked wide-eyed." -Dad, about a bride

"Yeah, I did Amazon, it was much more reasonable. It allowed me to get your finger puppets and a giant yeast." -KmV

"That tower is like all Jesus and shit." -JMurphy talking about 5 cups stacked in a pitcher

"I'm Mexican, we shouldn't BE in Chicago." -Gina

"That's like the maximum capacity of my ass." -Gina

"I'll rent the U-Haul, you hit the preacher." -Diana to me

"I want a transvestite at my wedding." -Katie C

"Yours has more length, but mine has a little more girth." -Gina

"Actually, you know what I learned today from the Charlie Manson special?" -Lynn

"Why do you hang out with a moldy sandwich?" -KmV

"All my blankets smell of nudity." - Kestner

"You know what's hilarious? Testicles. They're funny, I'm serious!" -JMurphy

"You're actually gonna drive home? Oh yeah, carbomb for me!" -Diana to Susan

"Want to hear a racist joke by Stewie Griffin? Which Latin country are you from, the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?" -Adam W.
"Which one has the funny hats?" -Gina

Teresa: i told joe i want detachable breasts so she can just take one and drink to her heart's content
Teresa: i think that freaked out joe

"So maybe it was the pickle-sharing that made me feel better..." -KmV

Auto response from green:
"I'm gonna bribe the officials
I'm gonna kill all the judges
It's gonna take you people years
To recover from all of the damage

Happy Birthday Crowley, you sexy beast, you."

"The professor said you'd get extra credit for listening to the podcasts. I was like, Podcasts?" -Lydia
"Like on iTunes." -Joanna
"Yeah, I've heard of them, but that's like what nerdy people do..."

"They're marching down the hill and all you see is ab after ab after ab... and I was like oh my gosh!" -Joanna

"This suddenly wound up like a Sex & the City episode... and Dan wound up being Charlotte." -KmV

"I do not need a butthole reference on Friday night!" -Molly

Gina: SO I TOLD CHELE I THOUGH (anonymized) WAS HOT
Gina: SHE LAUGHED AT ME

"And regardless of what life throws at you, it does not mean you have to throw a drink back." -KmV

"I'm technically stupid, so you have to be nice to me." -KmV

"Ok, there's this place in LA called Big Wangs..." -Sean

"The potato can talk. It's telepathetic." -Sean

"We should go double-team someone. I've never had a threesome." -Chris W. to Lana

"This is the bar of cleavage-eating." -Rebecca

"I won a f-ing arm wrestling competition TWICE tonight!" -Lynn
"You're a f-ing slut, Lynn." -Allison

"I'm a dork because I'm drunk and alone? No no no, that just means I'm not easy!" -KmV

kat: but lots of sex! = yay!

"Just the head of it, though, with the stick broken off, because otherwise it would be kind of hard to fit in the nightstand drawer." -KmV talking about Swiffers

GINA: doooooode
me: yo?
GINA: i miss guys
GINA: girls suck

Teresa: hey, doing nothing is often the nicest thing possible
Teresa: i like to mix it up occasionally with "doing very little" ;)

"Because a fully functioning toilet is crucial for crew morale." - Emily C.'s MDRS Commander report

"That could be kind of fun." -KmV
"If done properly." -me
"Well, I would think that if NOT done properly, I would be clothed and hurt." -KmV

"Holy cow, my hair is wingin' like a mo-fo on the right side." -Sean

green: you restore my faith in men, crowley.

"Pardon the grunting, I'm eating crackers." -KmV

"I've never picked up a girl at a bar." -Jason K.
"Neither have I." -me
"I know a guy who did, and he got, um... herpes." -Tanner

"There you go. It's like the six degrees of Kevin Spacey." -KmV

"You're an aberration." -KmV

Teresa: apparently it's due to some other lady, looking over this lady's shoulder
Teresa: so - new person to punch :)
Teresa: and she's pregnant :)
Teresa: i'm more pregnant than her though ;)
Teresa: so i win :)

"Don't make me fling my cauliflower at you." -Katie McV

"That's not Kool-Aid! That's vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with vodka, mixed with food coloring!" -some girl Jeff gave a sip of his drink to at Mardi Gras

"I put my inflatable penis under a girl's arm." -Ryan

"My first thought was, that's a really unattractive girl." -Pirate upon seeing a police horse

"Jesus was a Jew, that's why he's better than you." -some guy at Mardi Gras

"You'd think the naked f-ing bitches would change from year to year, but they don't." -Ryan

"Hola!"
"Como estas!"
"Me llamo Katie! It is my turn,"
"HOLA!"
"...to leave you a drunken message, and I am here with Molly who is saying Hola. Um, we hope you are muy borracho and having a fabulous time..."
"en New ORLEENS!"
"in New Orleans, and,"
"SEEEENYOR DAAAN!"
"and drinking whiskey , and Molly hopes that Seenyor Dan has been doing,"
"MUY BIEN!"
"...the same, and she says muy bien, and apparently Molly (made... with the dance), I don't know how I feel about that, but I like you more than she does. Molly says I have something else, I'm pretty sure i don't know the word for it in spanish, but you get the picture. anyhow, hope you're having a fabulous..."
"DRUNK!"
"...evening. ADIOS, MUCHACHO!"
-Katie & Molly, Saturday night of Mardi Gras

"Nobody wants to eat my sauce ever." -Gina

"I can't squeeze. It's too big, my hand doesn't fit around it." -Marni with her hand in my lap

"It would be sort of sexy silence, because it would be determined." -KmV

"It's the thuggest, gayest place in existence! It's like prison." -Ryan about Bulldogs

"Nancy Pelosi, I'm getting your ass f-ed up. Drink, bitch, drink!" -Gina

"Hey, focus! We're having a conversation here! We're having a conversation about Bhuan's genetalia!" -Gina

"Oh, she's a skank." -Mere
"Who is?" -Gina
"Nancy Pelosi."

"I want you to think about the lady-sips I take, and what it means for the radius." -Duffey

"Better not get your hairy body near my brisket!" -Duffey to Belle

"Eat me. This is my show, I'll play what I want to, damnit." -Chris R. at Limerick

"Siobhan? That's Irish, motherf-er!" -some blonde

"It's one of the few places she can tell people she's a doctor and not frighten them off, Kentucky." -KatieMcV

"Dan, he's TRAINED. I trained him to eat out of my cleavage. What are you writing? What are you writing? What are you writing?" -RebeccaH

"Between my mother and my mother-in-law, that's why I drink." -Tara's mom

"It's good you're not a friend of my dad's or my sister's, because if you were dead or married, that would make the whole thing CONSIDERABLY more bizarre." -KatieMcV

"I was contemplating what my hair looked like in Africa." -KatieMcV

Text Messages:
"Oh there's a whole Bagel Fest in Mattoon IL cuz Lenders is there." - ErinC

"Man, I just made a dead baby joke the other day." -green

"I heart your love of the scientific method :-)" -kmv

"She knows that now. Buffy time now! Talk to you in a bit." -KmV

"If you get bored later, feel free to call. I'll be here... on the floor." -KmV

"oh f---, am drunk" - green

"crowley, courtney just got into a cab with a sketchy blonde guy. please advise" - snow

"not sure WHAT i text messaged you last night. however, given that I'd like to die right now, I bet it was good. :-)" -kmv

"according to the bathroom wall, you're the person to call for a cheap feel." -kmv

"Charlie weis doin 7th inning stretch - he sings as well as i can dance" - kestner

"Are they wasted? Go beer! Beat nerds!" -Kat

"not really. too busy starting tickle fights with the other naked girls in the locker room" - green

"ma na ma na. damnit" - snow

"you couldn't quote in order, asshole. i'm busy shaking my groove thang, now" -green

"Screw your friends! home and drunk now!" -kat

"I'm stuck on a train stopped by the canadian police because a crazy woman is crawling around on the tracks." -ErinC
(i ask how far into canada she is)
"Like 10 miles. We are finally moving again. They must have caught her, eh?"
(i suggest they just left her there and started the train again, and asked if she'd felt it go over any big bumps)
"You're terrible! But yes, one bump..."

"Where are you! You have the keys Damn it!" -Varos after I'd been drunk and missing for a few hours at Mardi Gras

"So yeah, I saw Paul Hornung drop his pants today." - August '06 to January '07

New Year's Eve in DC:
"You didn't have your Wii strap on." -Erin

"My roommates and I gave each other Hungry Chickens. It was awesome."
-Bridget

"Erin, your ass smells like ass." -me
"My ass smells delicious!" -Erin

"Ohhhhhh... I need to stretch before doing the wii." -Erin

"Your wii should not be smaller than my wii!" -Erin

"Let's watch some sexual crimes!" -Erin

"I love you. I love AAAHHHH, oh my GOD your elbows are sharp!" -Snow
"Wait 'til you see what my wii can do!" -Erin

"...'Cause I remember being like, ha ha, he's wearing a dickie, and then I don't remember anything else." -Erin

"Did anybody get my joke?" -Erin
"Was it about sex?" -me
"Yes! Sex is funny! ...maybe that means I'm not having the right kind." -Erin
"Can't wait for THAT to be broadcast to the universe." -Snow

"Jaeger's a little harder to get down recently, you noticed that?" -Sean
"Haven't really had it recently." -me
"It might be because I threw up one time from it."

"They're not actively sucking, they're passively sucking." -me
"My head now hurts." -John

"A foamy foot just can't be healthy." -Tara

KatieMcV: well, the baby had to get drunk somehow

"And (anonymized) was like, where does the dildo go?" -Green describing the planning of someone's bachelorette party

"You just said you would jump (anonymized)'s bones... but you think me threatening to kill you sounds dirty?" -me

"And I was like, what does it taste like when I shove this in there?" -Gina

"Guys love me, it's horrible." -Kestner

"Are you just getting home from school now?" -KatieM
"No, I'm just getting home from the bar now." -me
"Oh, right, it's Tuesday."

"Ok, this is an original song called Hell No. It's about some douchebag hitting on my sister and there was nothing I could do about it... except write this song." -guy performing at Limerick

"So if you walk into his basement, which is enormous, there are dead animals everywhere." -KatieM

Thanksgiving in LA
"This other woman is giving up her eternal life for you, and you're piddling around with some Aryan c---?" -Claire watching RoTK

"Boots, are you yakking?" -me
"No, I have turkey caught in my esophagus." -B

"Oh, we definitely took advantage of the turkey. It was violated in very many ways." -Caitlin

"I want something sweet in my mouth." -Claire

"We couldn't get it to spread its legs to rinse out the insides, so we really had to work on it a little bit." -Caitlin

"Ok, after you take the turkey out of the trash can, you kinda put it in this little trash bag thing that's not really a trash bag, but more like a turkey bag." -Caitlin

"It looked like somebody puked into the trash can, so we took a picture of it." -Caitlin

"My first thought was your cooter, I don't know why." -Sean

"Maybe this is why I have problems with women, I can't find the vagina." -Sean
"Honey, this is my knee." -Caitlin

"Can I just say, high five! Booter nuzzled your breasts, and that was awesome!" - Grundy

"There are a lot of asses in this room I could kick right now, I'm just saying." -Caitlin

"Oh (anonymized), I don't have the patience to talk to you right now. I'm sure you want sex." -Claire

"Sorry, I was gonna burp and greet Booter, but now you're in the way." -Claire

"It's still a twelve year old kid and a fifteen year old kid trying to beat off the witch." -Sean

"I just wish this was as crispy as your bacon." -Claire

"Awww, I almost got creamer in her bosom." -Sean about Caitlin

"I hope I'm not pregnant." -Claire
"Claire, I don't think I could handle that." -Booter
"YOU couldn't handle that?! I'd rip the f---ing thing out of my stomach and throw it at you."

"Caitlin, I'm a girl, it's ok." -Booter
"I know, I'm a dude." -Caitlin

"Note to self: in the future, put on makeup BEFORE you start drinking." -Claire

"She persists in looking like a rabbit." -Caitlin

"That just kind of popped out faster than I thought it would." -Caitlin

"I think I'm gonna drop a deuce, do you wanna play poker?" -Sean

"I used to club my sable." -Sean

"Can we hold these comments until Claire does not have things in her mouth that will make her choke?" -Claire

Claire comments on feeling alienated at the party
"I felt the same way until I got drunk." -Caitlin

"That's Booter fingering the turkey." -Caitlin

"Remember the week before you graduated, when I almost got meat stuck in my throat again?" -Sean

"That's a good story! And that's the Goodyear Blimp!" -Caitlin

"You could poop on his floor." -Caitlin
"Oh, the idea of pooping Flatow and Scruff..." -Claire

"All you need is a short skirt and some pompoms." - a passing stewardess to Sean as he jigged outside LAX

"Am I missing two? I should have twelve. Oh, I do have twelve. For the record, I counted sixteen." -me setting up shotglass checkers after a powerhour

"Pound it. I'll pound it." -Sean
"I'm still gonna eat your pumpkin pie." -me
"Damn you."

"We had like ten beers each, didn't we?"
"Exactly ten."
"Is that counting the Red Hook?"
"...No, not counting the Red Hook. Only the cans."
"Is that counting the margarita?"
"Nope."
"Nice."

"Maybe you and all your little engineering friends will make fun of me 'cause I don't get it, but... I don't get it." -Gina

"I HAVE peed in some odd places, though." -Gina

"I think I left my outfit in your hotel room." -Gina to Pamela

"I wouldn't mind being the thing he's in the middle of." -Gina

"...and I ended up having to kill Kermit the Frog, because he was trying to kill me." -Adam describing a dream he had when he was about 6

"In a lot of ways, I hate you, but I love you." -Gina to me
"It's 'cause you're limber." -Adam to me

"We replaced him with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman. One of the guys who lived up the street had one, I don't know why." -Me
"I know why." -Adam

"There's no excuse to have three-on-one action." -Adam

"I've gotta wait 'til he finishes there... PENIS!" -Adam

"The force exerted by the male on the female..." -Part of someone's discussion of sex, complete with sinusoidal graphs (some showing decay)

"Dan, would you have ever considered a discussion on sex with that many graphs?" -Gina

Post-quals
"Derive for me the speed of smell." -Hernando
"I gave your MOM the speed of smell!" -Ian
and
"If the cops stop you, you're gonna say you're what?" -Hernando
"Drunk as shit." -Ian

"Keeping this up is the hardest part."
"It's about to break."
"People keep punching it." -Shuo about his costume's "switch"

After F-18's did their flyby over the stadium and our tailgate
"Raise your hand if you just got a boner." -Steve

"Whooooo! The reigning kegstand champion! (turns to champion) Where's your wife?" -some big guy dressed like Harry Potter

"Actually, we specifically remember you two going at it with a big group of people." -Matt to T/Joe abt wedding video
"Things get crazy with Kat & Matt." -T

"Like every picture I have with Dan is my ass right up next to his face." -Quynh

Waitress at restaurant changes tv from GT/Clemson game to baseball:
"What are you doing?!" -customer
"World Series!" -waitress
"No!"
"Jesus!"

text from Animal
"Crowly your dad looks so much like you my head just exploded --animal"

"Your dad doesn't look THAT much like... like not HEAD-EXPLODING like you." -Kat

"I would love to roofie all of you and make you all go back and pass out so I can go to sleep too." -Katie

"I've been married four months and no babies yet." -Kat
"That's like God hating you." -Kim

"Are you ok, Kim?" -Kat
"Paul's shushing me." -Kim
"Fuck Paul." -Kat

"In the middle here are these ghastly things, and they do unspeakable things to your neutrons." -Cassiano

kat: no
kat: no backer after wedding
me: before?
kat: and given that wedding is at 9am, no backer before
kat: I did that before T's wedding
me: oh, you can just leave early :)
kat: I cannot
me: suuuure you can :)
kat: I cannot leave the backer early
kat: will not
me: :)
kat: which you know damn well
me: oh, you'll be fine this time
kat: don't even
kat: I know you're a bad influence
me: baaaaaaacker
me: "...never even call me by myyy naaay-eeeeem"
kat: I'm getting M*A*R*R*I*E*D!
me: "...cause at least I know I'm freeeeee..."
kat: believe me, this and being in labor are about the only times when I refuse to consider 'backer

"...do you think a gig is enough?"
"A gig should be fine."
"And then upgrade the hard drive..." -sideline chatter during the flag football game between my lab and a rival lab

"So was I arguing with you about something, or was I telling you about my dad's job?" -Erin C

"I'm raising my cup up. We're at your... we're at your two o'clock to your left." -Kestner helping me find the group at the highlands Octoberfest
"Two o'clock to your left makes no sense, asshole." -me

"It's like Imax, but with scotch." -Kestner's reaction to the Johnny Walker "journery experience"

KatieM: I have some very lovely jiggers

"That's one of my pubes." -Alan

"Babe, take my tampons out of your nose." -Jen to Alan

"See, I don't have a penis hole to do that." -Jen

"Is it infected?" -Tara
"I don't see any red lines headed towards your heart yet." -John
"I heard something about a hooker." -me

"May I hold one of Alan's balls?" -John
"No, you may not." -Tara

"I love you, but your nipples are wet." -Jen

"Hairy nipples do not affect me." -Jen

"Look whose f---ing nipples are all wet." -Jen

"We didn't grope, we pseudo-groped." -Jen
"It was softcore porn." -Alan

"Hello!" -some girl
"Avast! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day!" -some guy
"Oh god."

"You remember that long story I didn't tell you yesterday?" -me
"No." -Kat
"The one I didn't tell you."
"Oh, yeah yeah."

"I can't very well shit forward, can I?" -Shuo

"Anyways, can you do me a favor and see if you or your dad or anyone can get extra tickets for the GT game, cause we would really like to come down for that and eat your food and drink your booze, but y'know, it'll be fun. I'm just calling to see if you know anyone, put us on the list of people who are looking to get tickets, and remember you were in our wedding, so um... you owe us." -Snow's voicemail asking for ND-GT tickets

"Beer is so delicious." -Erin S.

"I'm hammered. I'm hammered, buddy! (tapping a pledge on the shoulder) I'm hammered!" -frat guy across the street from our tailgate

green: i'm easy
green: once you've earned my trust

"I thought Bermuda was like a warlock's place, I didn't think it was real." -Katie

"It's like a flux capacitor." -guy in GT library
"Like they used to have for time travel in... what's that movie called?" -girl

"Oh, HERE are my pants." -Chung at lab

lyrics in Tubey's profile for TWoP
green: oh, it's just some epic poem, right?
me: that's Billy Joel's The Stranger



Texts from people:
"Were here-the whole city smells like a wet sock" - mikey in NO,LA

Green texts me something
"Can't talk. Flying" - me
"I... am confused. are you high?"
respond with camera-phone picture out the plane's window
"You bitch. cant wait to hear about it. tonight: beer or food and beer?"

"p.s. Remind me to tell you about my dream that involved a drunk baby pouring beers" -KatieM

"I just shot gunned a beer with my grandma" -KatieM

"Hey, sorry for the late response. i simply had concerns that midtown was gay" -Adam

"GusterJust did the rap from revenge of the nerds... And had it translated into sign language" -Snow

"Lead singer of flaming lips came on stage in a hamster ball and then rolled into the crowd! Band dressed as bat man n captain america. Best. Concert. Ever." -Snow

"Soon enough i'll hit the sauce and give kestner's mom the attention she deserves." -Ryan

"lol it involved an old lady crossing the road and a corn fed harvest mouse" -Diana

"I love you dude. I mean that in a hetero way" -Sean

"Bon jovi starts on motherf---ing time, bitch." -Green



And voicemails I haven't posted yet:
Crowley , what’s up, it’s Booter, giving you a call to say hi. You know, I’m trying to give you a call before midnight this week. Ah, and I ­wanted a chance to touch base… I was gonna say catch-base, you know, catch up with you, touch base, I’ll pick, I’ll pick, uh… touch base, that’s kinda what I was gonna do, um, anyway I’m on my way to a worthless meeting so feel free to give me a call in the middle of it, leave me some sort of inspirational message telling me I can do it, I just need to press on, and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. Of course, Christmas isn’t for nine months from now. But actually, if you think about it, this is theoretically when Jesus was conceived, which is not the Immaculate Conception. Of course, we don’t really know when Jesus was born, we just kinda lump it together with the secular holiday, the greek holiday of Father Christmas, but you know, we wanted to kinda create an amalgam of the two traditions. I guess you could say that Jesus was probably conceived around Lent. Which is pretty hard, considering it was Lent too. I dunno. It kind of begs the question of, could Jesus really be conceived during Lent? I mean it’s forty days of fasting, right? In theory? That’s where we get the forty days from. Well, forty days comes from a lot of the biblical stuff. And technically this was like when Jesus was, y’know, starting to do a whole bunch of stuff, but how could he be doing a whole bunch of stuff when he’s still in the womb? Or I mean, he’s just a little… maybe that’s the anti-abortion, ah, movement, is that I mean look at Jesus, he was conceived and he was already, y’know, miracles and he was crucified just a couple months later. It’s like, crazy, wow. Um. So, hope you enjoyed that. If I suddenly stop talking, a lightning bolt has come and zapped me. Although I’m in my car, so hopefully it wouldn’t totally kill me, but I think if God wanted to he... yeah, he could. I’m gonna go with that, the whole lightning bolt. Hopefully not, though, hopefully God knows I’m just kidding. Hopefully you know I was just kidding. So yeah, I just found a trend, leading random messages, so hopefully you enjoyed it. Take care, buddy. Peace.
-Booter

Alright, so I’ve been completely demasculinized because my wife is currently sitting on the couch texting everyone she knows about how she just saw Brady Quinn on the elevator, and how, and how like they were this close to making out and falling in love and running off and making lots of little strong-armed babies. So... (Erin says something) OH MY GOD, WOMAN! Jesus, you’re like... everyone she knows is getting texted! Even you! And why do you care? You’re a man. Though, you know, even men can get lost in Brady’s dreamy eyes. (Erin says something) I don’t know if my sister knows who Brady Quinn is. Jesus! I mean seriously, I’m like shrinking up as is. Anyways, hope... Oh my god, she’s seriously sending it to everyone in her phone book. Hope Mountain Goats is good, and I will probably be giving you a call tomorrow. Drop the phone, woman, come on! Someone has to love me best! Ok, bye Crowley . (Erin says something) Oh, go to hell.
-Snow

"Bon voyage, mouse-bitch!" - May '06 - August '06

=== Beach Vacation ===
A family discussion turns to how, when I was a baby, I'd just lay there and flap my limbs instead of learning to crawl or whatever (which led my mom to suspect I was a little "slow"):
"Little did we know, that was a precursor to your quest for flight." -Aunt Laurie

Mom describes the role she played as the older sister to eight boys and another girl:
"I was, uh... I was GESTAPO!"

Discussing how often I'd wander off and get lost as a child:
"Danny, you got that from your Uncle Billy. They used to put him in a harness and tie him to a dog run. Seriously!" -Aunt Laurie

"I'm a human D.U.I." -Jimmy

"Spiderman! If I were Jewish, I'd be Spiedermann." -Katie

"Uncle Neil was a bad motherf---er when we were young." -Jimmy

"We were talking about how intoxicated we are, and I said I wasn't quite drunk enough not to talk to Aunt Laurie." -Chris

"Kumbayah my ass. I love it." -Uncle Neil with the winning Cranium answer

"Asshole is a good enough game to play even if for some reason you aren't drinking." -Chris
"Like if you have to drive around nuns that night for some reason." -Katie
Aunt Laurie, who'd been brushing Katie's hair, gives it a yank.
"Aaah! Because they don't like being driven drunk!" -Katie

"Chris, take a drink for worshipping the wrong god." -Mike B.

=== Poker Night ===
"Wait a minute, I thought I was playing 21! ...I'm NOT!" -Mom

"You know what, I feel bad, 'cause I was lying." -Mom, apologizing for bluffing

"Pocket pair? ...oh, that means he has a pair in his pants." -Mom

"Danny, I'm not gonna be able to talk if you keep doing this." -Mom, after I wrote down the pocket-pair comment

"Ok, dummy... eight... nine... queen..." -Mom, dealing the flop while narrating
"Did you guys really play like this?" -Mike C.

"Two pair." -Laura
"Oh, I just have a king." -Mom
"...you have three of a kind, Mom." -me
"I do?" -Mom

"I did! I had three pair! Why didn't I win?" -Angela

"She was bluffing, and she went all-in to call." -Mikey
"What's wrong with that?" -Mom

=== End of Poker Night ===

"Do you have proper punctuation on your blog?" -Katie to me
"Why are you looking at me?" -Mom to Katie
"Proper punctuation means naked people." -me to Mom
"Why do you have naked people on your blog?!" -Mom

Responding to Mike B.'s compliment:
"I'm glad it's a badass salad. Makes me happy." -Mom

"Whose room has the magnetic utensil holder?" -Mike B.
"Me." -me
"I shit in your bathroom."

"I know, I know, I put my underwear up on the flagpole." -Drew on the phone to Pat

Mike B. makes a $20 bet with Mike C. that he (B) will have a kid before any of the rest of us. Mike C. turns to the porchful of 15yr-old girls who are next door for a birthday party:
"Who wants to make nineteen dollars?"

"Yes, I'm tanner than Drew! I've been trying to do this for ten year!" -EJ

"That's getting you back for last year, when you said that's the palest you've ever seen me." -EJ

"I don't understand some of the things I say sometimes." -Drew

"Who are these fat people?" -Drew, looking at EJ's pictures
"If that's me, I'm gonna be pissed." -Katie

"We saw your MySpace page tonight... No way, no way could you have too many icons. It looked nice." -Katie on the phone with Mike B's girlfriend

"It's really hard to drink out of this Twizzler." -Katie

"You're giving me that look like I'm a worthless piece of shit." -Drew
Later:
"Michael, did I ever call you a worthless piece of shit?" -Mom
"Yeah, Mom, I got an A- on a piece of paper." -Mikey

"We have an asthma drug that's proven to kill more African-Americans than whites, but only a few." -Katie
=== End of Beach Quotes ===

KatieM: and you have to be careful about hitting on everyone
KatieM: It makes you less likely to be successful with anyone
me: word gets around, yes
KatieM: That's why I keep my tramp-like ways a secret

Kat: mmmm, balls

"Notre Dame? Dan suffers when they lose, and I like to see other people suffer." -Kestner

KatieM: Now you know what it's like to be a woman's leg
KatieM: Not that I'm sure men should know what that's like . . .

"Danny always listened to this music, didn't he? In his car? What's it called, 'scab'?" -Mom, when Mike was listening to Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes

"What can I say, Crowley. You're my Egon." -Snow

"...and she's really hard to call out, 'cause she's got that sassy blackness that she throws in your face." -Bhuan
"You just don't know how to handle it." -Spencer

"Pull on it and I'll tell you if it hurts." -Nando with a new lip-stud
"I don't want to pull on it." -Lauren
"I'll pay you ten dollars right now."
"I don't want ten dollars!"
"Ok, then pull it for free!"

"Do it. Slowly, and if it hurts I'll say OW. You can do it harder." -Nando
"I don't want to pull it harder." -Hayley

"Excuse me, are you a chick?" -Raphael, Duffy's old roommate
"I feel like one now. My vagina just exploded." -Anthony

"You don't like head? What's wrong with you?" -Gina

"When I come on to you, you'll know it." -Spam to Bhuan

"You're a violent son of a bitch." -me
"Yes I (hic) am... that made me sound so much less malicious." -Ryan

"Hit me!" -Ryan
"Why?" -me
"Because of the hiccups."
hit
"No, HIT me, you pussy!"
HIT
"Ow! Not with your fist!"

"Wisconsiiiiiin... they're the f---ing... cheese... guys." -drunk girl who sat down at our table at Limerick
"Cheese HEADS." -Kestner

"I'm gonna hit Dan with a chair. ...I think he's on to me." -Pirate
"Huh?" -me
"What?"

"We're popping all kinds of your cherries tonight." -Ryan
"Whose cherries?" -Adam
"Yours."
"Mine? Why?"

"You know, I was pretty upset about not going over there, but since I got to accidentally touch Susan's boob? It was pretty good." -Adam

"This is a red-headed slut. Ever had one of them?" -Ryan
"No." -Adam
"Cherry number two." -Ryan
"You'll be very sore at the end of the night." -Kestner

"Kriiiiiiistin... you're nauuuuuughty." -Lexie, for reasons unknown

"So I immediately cut myself off, carry her off the floor with her crying in my arms, and her Marine dad decides whether or not he needs to kill me." -Mothball

Green: it's just a funny story that the president of the university will probably associate my name with penis if she ever sees it again

"Of all the places that we went, if there was one city where I thought we got scammed, it was the Vatican." -Dad describing his trip to Italy

"What'd you just say? ...Oh. I thought you just flirted with me. ...Hello?" -Guy on cellphone

=== John & Tara's Wedding ===
"Look at you guys with your real vests, who don't have to deal with elastic straps in the back." -Ben
"Shut up and put on your bib." -Doug

"I'm bigger than all of you put together." -Ben
"That sounds like a challenge." -John
"You could form Voltron and I'd still defeat you."

"You motherf---ers turn your f---ing phones off, or..." -Ben imitating the priest, while sitting in the limo two feet in front of the flower girl

"No, I'd definitely put shoes before puppies." -Therese, after I suggested her value system went babies, puppies, shoes.

"Percocet kicked in. Life is good." -Erin

From across the room:
"Hey John! You're MARRIED!" -Doug, who then snapped a picture of John's face

"I'm performing my duties as a bridesmaid and making sure she got to pee ok." -Manda

While attaching condoms to John's car:
"You should blow them up!" -Manda
"I'm not putting my f---ing lips on any goddamn condoms." -Doug
=== End of Wedding Quotes ===

"It's very artistic, just how many ways you can chop up the human body and make it look good." -Joe, about the "Bodies" exhibit

Kat: you are a good way to waste time

KatieM: I often wonder if my view of dating is anywhere near being in line with the rest of the world
me: better than most, probably
KatieM: Oh honey, you didn't go to ND law
KatieM: it's where social skills go to die

KatieM: I'm good at having low standards
KatieM: It's the only way to make friends in law school

"Why did you put his hat in your pants?" -me
"If you had a hat, would you want it in my pants?" -Pirate

What I said:
"Tell Erin that Ashley's pissed off that she hasn't heard from her in a while, and she just graduated."
What Snow heard:
"Tell Erin that Ashley just crapped."

"Should we interview him together, or will that be too intimidating?" -Elena
"No, I prefer the gang-rape." -Peter

"And we'd get balls signed by Darryl Strawberry, back when that was cool.' -Amaris

"Hi, honey." -Donovan, answering his phone in the strip club

"I touched a stripper's penis!" -Drunken Tara

"The stripper put his hand on my penis." -Tara

"I'm getting maaaaaaa-ried!" -Tara, yelling out the car window

"John, you're the best Hans ever." -Therese

"I can't see through my hair." -Becky

"If you don't marry Mandie, you'll marry ME." -Becky to me

"Somebody ate my penis." -Tara
"I did!" -Becky

"Dan, if you don't marry John, and you don't marry Mandie, you're gonna marry me.' -Becky

"Those are the realest boobs in the place." -John

"I'll move back now so you guys can concentrate, because I'm seeing six roads and you're probably only seeing three." -Becky, while we were on a two-lane road

"Dan and John are getting married. If my sister pukes on me I'll never forgive her." -Tara

"And my sister's lying in my crotch, she loves my crotch." -Tara

"I love my sister, I'm feeling up her boobs." -Tara
"I'm gonna pee my pants!" -Becky

Green: yeah, the bunny? i was sure was a baby toy
me: i can safely say i didn't look at that and think, "cock ring"
Green: and you should feel good about that

"Tell him not to drive, tell him I'm gonna get him f---ed-up drunk." -Susan from Limerick about Adam W.

"I got it on with two engaged chicks last night!" -Paul

"Are you putting your straw in my butter?" -girl sitting next to Gibeau at T's reception
"Yeah, sorry." -Gibeau

"My friend licked the pole. She's not dead, either. She's pregnant, but she's not dead." -Gibeau, talking about the Backer

"Where were you in '92? Cause I was in fifth grade." -Kristin
"I was a sophomore in high school." -Kestner

"The woman looks like one of those toy monkeys playing the drums." -Diana

"It sucks to be thirty. I don't recommend it." -Kestner

"Oh dear God, don't lick me! I don't know what you have on your tongue." -Diana, about her experience at the Pony

"The carbonation probably wouldn't work in space, so you'd have to get like dried beer or something." -Ashley, talking about a moon rocket that served alcohol